


The back back up plan

by Whos_your_heda



Category: The 100 (TV), clexa - Fandom
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, And you call Mount Weather a bunker?, Badass Clarke, Because we all know only the rich and powerful will be protected, F/F, F/M, Green bullets, I hate that I love you, Ice Nation gone mad, Lexa wants but Lexa can't, Mount Weather, PTSD Clarke, Slow Burn, Tormented Clarke
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-01-02
Updated: 2018-03-18
Packaged: 2018-09-14 08:05:17
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 13
Words: 58,943
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9169966
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Whos_your_heda/pseuds/Whos_your_heda
Summary: Clarke becomes a little bit more like Lexa before Lexa becomes a little bit more like Clarke. Clarke must hate Lexa and she wishes to kill her for what she'd done, but it becomes a difficult task as she gets involved with the commander once more. Clarke's actions might have consequences directly affecting her people and the commander of course is in primarily for the interest of her own people. Clarke's gonna have to lead, fight and kill to survive again. Will she always have to do it by herself? Or maybe the mighty commander will need or want Wanheda by her side? In the past, Clarke and Lexa fought grounders and Mount Weather people. That's what they know, but when they find this knew enemy they won't be able to fight alone and survive.Lexa is alive





	1. Clarke burns and rises

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, people. Happy New Year, so this is one of my resolutions for this new year. This is my very first chapter of my very first fan fiction story. Be nice! I hope you like it and thank you for taking some time to read my work. Before you start reading, I would like to encourage you to make me aware of any errors in the chapter since English is my second language. I know I may have some errors with the vocabulary usage because I don't share many context interpretation with native speakers, so let me know. Thanks in advance and enjoy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, people. Happy New Year, so this is one of my resolutions for this new year. This is my very first chapter of my very first fan fiction story. Be nice! I hope you like it and thank you for taking some time to read my work. Before you start reading, I would like to encourage you to make me aware of any errors in the chapter since English is my secon language. I know I may have some errors with the vocabulary usage because I don't share many context interpretation with native speakers, so let me know. Thanks in advance and enjoy.

Every person, adults and children lied on the spot helpless. Old ladies, young men and sweet innocent young faces twitched as the bubbles on their skins burned to asphyxia. The dining room floor was painfully scattered with red blistered gasping bodies that lay on top of each other.

A ball rolled of the hands of a child before she could start playing with her friends. She screamed loudly whining at the pain which pushed her down to her knees as her eyes scavenged for the parents she would no longer see again. An old couple lay together on the floor; he had short white hair, a big Italian kind of nose which was now covered in a throbbing red color and long hairy arms. His wrinkled hand trembled in pain while holding the burning hand of his loved one, gazing at her for least and last until the hand stopped trembling.

The mountain people gasped for one more breath. Until each persons’ lungs couldn’t bare the pressure anymore, until each of their breaths extinguished away one after the other. Clarke stared at this scenario incapable of blinking away. These people had to die for her people to live, and she was the witness of it all. Clarke stared at the monitors in complete silence; and held the lever in her hand grasping at it; her nails would completely dig into the rubber on it hurting herself. She watched them choke on their own blood. She saw their eyes swell with it and their skins rip open with leaking pustules. She called death and watched them die.

Her eyes were now fixed on the screen that displayed Jasper weeping “I love yous” and “I’m sorrys” into Maya’s forehead. Clarke’s face filled with guiltiness, regret and worries–Was this massacre really justified? She had just killed everyone who helped her. Her friends, innocent people, children. Her eyes switched to the screen on the right and the remorse expression faded away instantly. Abby’s pain and relief showed on her damp eyes. Raven was passed out hanging from the chains while her pants were tainted with dark blood streaming down under her hip bone. Her family, her friends, her people hung in chains sweating, crying, scared to death. Clarke knew she would do anything for them.

Cage’s horrified eyes realized he lost everything and everyone. He closed his eyes in regret and a hint of grief; as soon as he opened them back, he showed determination. Clarke knew exactly what he was thinking – if he wished to live he had to flee away right now. A second later, Cage ran to the chamber door. Only then, Clarke let out the breath she didn’t know she was holding since she pulled the lever and her senses detected the alarm that must have warned Cage of the massacre of his people. She quickly turned her face to look at her friend who was motionless by the door staring at the screens as well. Clarke entwined her eyebrows, locked eyes with him and with a strong voice let out “Bellamy”. He looked at her and nodded “I got it.” He picked up his gun and stormed out of the control room. 

Clarke looked at the screens once more and withdrew the need to cry and curl up in a ball on the corner. Monty stared at her wishing to say something but stayed silent instead. No words would be enough to express at this moment. She thought of the mountain men people who helped her and felt regret, she thought of Cage and felt hate, she thought of her people and felt ashamed but relief; she thought of Lexa and she felt anger and despite – a lot of anger. She remembered the words Lexa used once “What you did today will haunt you forever.” 

 

________________________________________

 

“Mom?” Clarke wept on low voice. Abby looked exhausted but she immediately noticed the emptiness in her daughter’s eyes. “I thought I would lose you,” Clarke continued with pouty lips fighting the tears away.

Her mother sat on the surgery metal table in the chamber. As tired and shocked as she was, she managed to give orders so people in need would be tend. 

Abby grabbed her daughter by the upper arms; she pulled her close and said, “I’m here”. Clarke stood there; she was relieved that her mother was safe but she could not let herself be happy for it, not after what she had to do to achieve that. Clarke let her mother wrap her in her arms and she sank in her shoulder seeking for understanding. “We are all here. We are here because of you. You saved us.” Abby whispered.

“No,” Clarke stated and pulled away from her mother. “You are here because they’re dead,” Clarke snapped louder, “Look at them! You are here, but they’re dead.”

Clarke closed her eyes and swallowed her pain. She stepped away and continued, “You told me to remember we are the good guys. How is this good? We’re not good, mom. We are just surviving no matter the lives it cost us.” 

Abby slid down the table and crippled to reach her. She brushed her hand against her daughter’s cheek and caressed her with her thumb; she looked into her eyes and said, “I was wrong, Clarke. This doesn’t define you.” 

“You are wrong again, it does,” Clarke emptied. Abby just lowered her eyes at the statement.

Monty walked in and coughed, “Clarke? Hmm, Rae.. Raven is asking for you. She’s being stubborn and says she won’t let herself be healed if she doesn’t speak to you.” 

 

________________________________________

 

“Oh, please! A drill? You know that I can take more than that,” Raven whispered in a tired tease.

Raven was sweaty and her hair was messy. Her skin was pale and her eyes looked exhausted. She was on a wheel chair, they found in the medical care floor of the mountain. Her body was tilted to the left side probably because of the pain on her hip bone.

Clarke looked at her friend worried and replied, “Well you’re still Raven Badass Reyes so I get you’ll survive.” Clarke sighed and asked, “Are you ok?” 

Raven looked into Clarke’s eyes but kept silent, so did Clarke. They kept silent for a while. “Finn died in vain,” Clarke muttered out after a few minutes. Raven swallowed hard, she still hated Clarke for it. She understood why it happened but she knew the pain would never go away. Clarke continued, “I tried to seek peace, Raven. For us, for Finn, he wanted it all along. He got lost because of me. And I killed him myself, for nothing.” Raven clenched her jaw and felt the pain in her chest as Clarke talked about Finn. After a while she slowly let out, “I hate you for what happened to Finn.” Raven stopped talking for a few seconds and continued slowly, “I don’t hate you for killing him. I hate you for who you turned him into. He died the day you broke his heart.” Raven sobbed and eased up the words as straight as she could, “You are a horrible person because the good don’t survive in this world, Clarke. Finn didn’t survive.”

Clarke didn’t reply, she let Raven’s words sink in and they kept silent for another while just sitting next to each other. 

“What now?” Raven inquired. 

Clarke’s face straightened with determination, “We make sure our people are safe. We make sure the threats are eliminated.” Raven gave her a serious look and pressed her lips together as Clarke continued, “I’m gonna need your help.”

 

________________________________________

 

By sunrise Clarke hadn’t been able to get any sleep. Not like she deserved any. Bodies were still being taken out of the mountain by the Ark officers. She couldn’t watch them without feeling sick and guilty. She stayed out of the dining room, hoping no more empty, blister, red faces would be stuck behind her eyes lids.

After she took Raven to the medical floor and made sure she was taken care of properly, she wandered around the hallways. Long gray and pale green hallways crossed her path, door after door every 6 feet. She didn’t know the number of people who lived–died, Clarke; they don’t live anymore. But she had been wandering for a while; she had left too many doors past her. There had been many more doors, many more rooms, and many more people that she could ever count. She wouldn’t count them either – she turned left at the end of the hall and walked through a long hallway, she couldn’t see the end of it–she couldn’t put a number on her pain. Three steps after the corner, there they were. Another visual number to the uncountable count–a mature couple lay on the floor with bullet holes right through their foreheads. He lay just a little on top on her like if he had tried to protect her. She walked past them. She couldn’t do anything for them, at least they were spared of an agonizing dead. 

She couldn’t put a number on all of it but there were two lying on the floor and too many on her head, maybe too many to come as well. It seemed like she was in charge of death. She didn’t control it; it just hunted her up, before and after it happened. Just like Finn’s; his death was the one that ached the most right now. “I did it because I’m in love with you,” He said just hours before she killed him. She loved him and she killed him. He was trying to protect her and she killed him. She killed him so she could protect her people. Did she really love him? Did she love him enough? He loved her numbly and completely. Her sweet space-walker and peace-maker turned into a revenge-seeking assassin. She made him that. He loved her and his love turned him into an assassin. At least he had a reason, but what made her turn into an assassin? Did she always have it in her guts?

Finn should have thought better than loving her. She didn’t deserve his love. Even before, she closed the gate at the drop ship. She left him out to burn. Would Finn have let her out? Clarke knew that all she cared about was survival. She may have loved Finn but she always chose survival–Clarke turned right this time and stopped as she looked up into a two-side door where it read School. Clarke walked in and wandered around the desks, she ran her fingers across them and her eyes met the little shelf with some names on each spot. Dean, Steve, Noah, Nicole, Ashley, Spencer. She stopped reading and sat on an obviously too small for her desk and stared at the white board and her vague reflection on it.

She let Finn to die and then she killed him. She burned 300 people. She let TonDC burn. God, she left Octavia to burn. She killed children. She killed Maya. She killed her heart as well - she furrowed her eyebrows and clenched her jaw - No, that’s not true. It wasn’t her. She didn’t kill her heart. Maybe she killed her soul but someone else was responsible for killing her heart.

Was love even good? Maybe love is really weakness. 

The horrible survive, the good die–Clarke remembered Raven’s words. She had been horrible because she had had to. She never meant to become this. Earth has no mercy. Why would people have any either? 

She thought of Lexa. Lexa left her to die. She was unmerciful. Lexa was a survivor not a lover and she’s alive. Finn isn’t.  
“Fuck that! Why did you leave?” Clarke screamed.

She remembered Lexa’s graceful imposing eyes–the same eyes that betrayed her. Lexa said that she did what she had to do for her people. She locked her eyes with Clarke’s and for a moment Clarke thought Lexa wanted to say something else. She thought Lexa was going to say she didn’t mean that. She hoped Lexa would say “I will fight by your side, Clarke”. She didn’t. Lexa made her kill all of these people. She gave her no option. She made her kill Finn. She gave her no option. Lexa ruled this world. She was really the commander, not just for the grounders. Lexa effected Clarke and her people. But that was about to change, "I learned something from you, Lexa; something that you shouldn’t have taught me."

“Clarke?” It had been a while, Clarke was sure she spent more than three hours curled up on the desk. She didn’t remember crying. She didn’t remember passing out. She looked up and Bellamy was standing there. He was sweaty and tired. His guard uniform was dirty and messy. 

“Did you get him?” Clarke asked.

“Yes,” He said, “I… I almost killed him; I wasn’t thinking of anything else when I found him. He deserved to die, Clarke, but I couldn’t. I just… I brought him here, he’s locked up.”  
Clarke looked at him deeply. He looked scared of continuing. Clarke stood up and hugged him into reassurance, “We survived, Bell.” 

Bellamy stood still until Clarke let go. “You should go rest, we need you,” Clarke said to him. He nodded and walked to the door but he stood in front of it for some seconds. “He deserves to die, Clarke,” He said finally and left the room.

 

________________________________________

 

It was still mid-morning when Clarke woke up. It took her a few seconds to realize where she was. She fell asleep on the floor right under the white board. She stood up and sighed. Clarke reached to the shelf and started carelessly scratching the names off before leaving the room. 

She tried to remember the way up to the medical care floor. She was sure her mother would be there. It looked like the Ark officers had been working all night because she didn’t pass by the head-shot bodies like she did last night. She turned right, her eyes looking for the stairs when she noticed an open door. The doors weren’t opened last night, someone had been there. Did the officers search the rooms? Had her mother ordered that? She didn’t think so; there were too many things to do up there, too many bodies to handle. Had it been right that she left everybody to deal with it? Her mother, Kane, Octavia, Jasper and Monty. She didn’t think about them needing her. Right now, it would be better if people hated her. She needed people to hate her, but they didn’t. Not even Raven, Raven hurt but she got it. Raven hated her, but she didn't; she got it. 

She silently approached the room and pushed the door wide open. She stepped in carefully. It was very quiet, of course it was. There was no longer life around this place, Clarke made sure of that. She listened thoroughly and perceived someone’s sobs coming from down the room hall. She had an idea of who it could be and she wasn’t sure that she should continue down the hall but she did anyway.

The room was light brown and even with the lights out, she could notice frames with earth like landscapes hanging on the walls. There were some sculptures on the big wooden table too. As she got closer to the brownish like couch, she felt the air thicker and bitterer, a little metallic. That was when she spotted the dark brown stain on the couch fabric. She figured that was where another mountain life was taken if not by her, because of her.

Clarke walked in the bedroom. The walls were pale blue with a single pink horizontal stripe across the walls, just a little bit higher than her head. The sheets were pink too and the mattress sank on the spot where a person sat sobbing and holding onto a small sized picture frame. Clarke sat next to the person with enough distance so they wouldn’t touch. 

“Jasper, I– ” Clarke started. 

“Shut up, Clarke!” He yelled at her.

“I’m sorry,” she said, “I liked Maya.” 

“That didn’t matter when you killed them all. Hell, it didn’t even matter that you loved Finn. You killed him anyway,” Jasper spit the words at her, “Yeah, I know. I know you killed him to save us, huh. Great save, Clarke. Actually, yes! You saved us. You fucking saved us. You, always you. Do you feel the burning flesh in your nose of the drop ship grounders? Do you? I feel that too. I fucking feel that. I’ve done things to save our people too, Clarke. But you are the ‘leader’, is that how she called you? The bitch you risked our lives because of.”

“You don’t know what you are talking about. Lexa–” Clarke defended herself.

“Fuck Lexa! Fuck the grounders! Fuck you!” He yelled, “My hands are tainted with blood too, Clarke. I’ve done things to save out people too.” 

Jasper kept silent for a few seconds. “But again, you saved us. It’s on you,” he said with disdain, “You know, out of all the people who deserved to be saved. You are not one of them.” 

“WHY ARE YOU ALIVE, CLARKE?” He screamed. “Why are you alive when my girlfriend is dead?” He whispered, “I’m not made for this world. You should’ve let me die when the first spear stroke me” He finally said and stormed out of the room, closing the door behind her and leaving her alone in total darkness. 

 

________________________________________

 

Jasper’s words still bounced in her head as she was aiming the gun straight at cage’s face. He was looking deeply in his eyes. She was furious. She wanted to pull the trigger, right there, right now. 

Cage kneeled on the floor of the great dining room. His body pushed backwards distancing from the metal instrument pointing between his damp eyebrows. His gaze was terrified, he was grieving. He cared to die and he didn’t at the same time. His once nicely-ironed and neat shirt was ripped on the left side of his ribs, some buttons were missing; it was messy and glued to his skin with sweat. His pants as well were dirty and had some scratches all around, as if he had been dragged through the ground. 

“CLARKE!” Her mother screamed in horror. Abby was terrified. She knew Clarke would do it. Everybody in the room took a step back holding a gasp. Bellamy kept his distance cautiously and alert, his mouth was barely open keeping his last breadth in. Miller held his gun tightly hoping it would protect him for what was about to happen. Lincoln was steady clenching his jaw looking straight to Cage as if he wouldn’t like to miss this for anything. And Octavia’s eyes burned with fury to the sight of the man; her sword rested by her hip on a long black and brown sheath, her right hand crossed over her stomach and tightened the grip of the sword so sharply her finger bones hurt with the effort.

Clarke’s eyes started feeling dizzy, wild and savage as she hectically muttered, “You’re going to die tonight.” Clarke’s hand shuddered in front of Cage’s eye. She felt dazzling out her senses; her unsteady breathing seeping in her thoughts. It was too much; the air felt so thick drifting through her nose to her lungs, her chest was too heavy. She couldn’t hold it. She wouldn’t hold it. She released. She pulled the trigger; just after Kane impelled her making the bullet hit off target. 

Clarke stumbled to the ground when Cage took the opportunity and swiftly snatched the knife out of Clarke’s belt before turning around and seizing Harper tightly. In his swept, he managed to stream the knife through Harper’s abdomen. Harper let out a rumbling grunt. The cut was neat and spread horizontally bleeding down a significant amount of red fluid. Her eyes darted from one person in the room to the other, finally fixating on Bellamy’s. The knife pressing now against her throat, she could feel the steel carving her skin as some more of her blood spilled down her neck and collarbone. Her lips trembled with fear acknowledging her position until they pressed together in rage. The room was silent except for the sound of Cage gasping for air in adrenaline.

It seemed like a few minutes had passed, though they had been merely seconds. Cage prepared his mocking demanding speech as he started laughing insanely while pressing the knife tighter against Harper’s throat. Clarke laid on the floor with Kane’s weight on her legs when Harper hastily gazed down at her and firmly blurted out, “Kill him, Clarke,” causing the knife to dig just a little further in her skin turning the blood drop a little thicker. Before Harper could let the words out of her mouth completely; Octavia had already drawn her sword up her head and with a bold strike, the sword sliced the whole threatening arm off Cage’s shoulder. 

“Oh, God! What did you do?” He screamed weeping in horror as a chunk of blood drained from the round wound on his armless shoulder. Octavia’s sword hit the floor just before Cage’s arm rolled by him; and she stiffened back into her attack position. Clarke watched Cage’s face as Harper pushed him away and ran opposite to him pressing on her abdomen wound. Bellamy ran to catch Harper in his arm helping her to stand steady.

Kane was still pressing Clarke down to the floor as she punched him straight on his nose finding release; she grabbed her gun and fired towards Cage without hesitation. The shot caught him right by the left side of his throat and went through it hitting the painting that was hanging behind him, in less than three seconds the warm red liquid started bubbling out of the hole in his neck.

Cage looked at the ornate chandelier on the dining room ceiling before closing his eyes, and choked his life out. Clarke stared away from Cage’s choking face to look at Kane. He was bleeding out his nose; she probably had broken it. Her hand hurt badly enough for it. She couldn’t be sure though, because he held his hands on top of it making a small pyramid covering it and pressing his cheeks trying to relieve the pain. 

“You were going to get Harper killed!” she screamed at Kane, “You could have gotten all of us killed!”

“Clarke, Kane just–” Her mother tried to intervene reaching for her arm.

“No!” Clarke backed off from her mother’s touch, “Enough! You act like you know what you are doing. You want to keep our people safe but you don’t know how to.” 

Kane stood up. It cost him a little to speak because of the pain in his nose, “I didn’t want to put Harper in danger, Clarke! Your mother is the chancellor and we, as a council, try to do the best for our people. We are not assassins. Our decisions–” He tried to defend.

“GO FLOAT YOURSELF, KANE! You don’t know how to do that at all. I’m not even sure there is a best on the ground,” Clarke said with disdain, “We do what we have to do to keep our people safe.”

“Life shouldn’t be spendable, Clarke!” Her mother replied.

“Oh please! Look around! I did what I had to do to keep you all safe. I am an assassin. We all are! Don’t act like you’re better than me. You were going to have my mom floated remember, Kane?” Clarke contended trying not to drown the words in her throat.

“Somehow it was easier for you to make decisions up in space under the protection of a pin,” she continued, glancing at little metal figure on her mother’s jacket, “Down here there’s no debate, there’s action! So get your mind out of fucking space and put your feet on the ground!”


	2. Stepping in

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Raven and Clarke bond over staying alive, but Raven is worried about Clarke's intentions due to her request. Clarke gets ready to go out after someone. But with little earth survival skills, how will it result for her?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoy the second chapter, It's more about mental and emotional building than action, but I like it.

Fifty-one, fifty-two, fifty-three; Clarke counted the steps she took while walking to that once assigned dorm by Wallace. It felt wrong stepping in a room that wasn’t hers, they weren’t anybody’s anymore but they were full with memories of people. Memories were just enough to keep her out, she was still an intruder. There were lots of bunk beds in the dorm, it was a mess. How many bunk beds? How many of her friends were tortured in here? She saw the improvised water barrels containing the sedative gas and some of the bunks pushed horizontally close to the door as barricades. 

It was amazing how quickly Sinclair, Wick and Raven were able to reestablish power for the floors they were using. It wasn’t at the best condition but it was working just fine for now, considering they blew up the whole thing. She reached to the light switch and pushed on it turning the lights. It wasn’t probably the best of ideas because there were more reminders of the past events than just the bunk beds and barrels. Sheets were stained with blood and some guns were spilled over the floor. It seemed like no one had entered the room after the shut down. 

Not all of the bunks had blood on them so Clarke was careful to pick and clean one and she lied there staring blankly at the metal bars crossing the support for the bunk on top. One, two, three… ten bars, Clarke counted, sighed and started over. Clarke closed her eyes wanting to space out of the right now, she would think spacing out should be easy for her; I mean she was from space. Nevertheless, the images ran fast through the back of her eyelids as if it were a screen. The images scrolled back as if trying to be undone but helplessly starting the tape again. Cage, over three hundred mountain people, Wallace, Whitman, over two hundred sky people and grounders, Finn, three hundred grounders, Caliban, Atom. How could she put a number on names? On lives? She held onto the metal bars on top of the bunk, she grabbed them so tightly that it hurt. Clarke wondered how much more blood would be spilled on the ground in favor of survival. She wondered how much more blood her hands could take. She wondered if she would understand who deserved to die and who didn’t after this. She wondered if she would point at Lexa and pull the trigger just as she did with Cage. She wondered who would do that on her.

It had been a while when Clarke faintly heard a bouncing metal sequence growing louder each time. She numbly picked on her toes not paying attention to the sound. The metal bouncing sound was just by the door as she heard a soft questioning voice, “Clarke?” Raven said. 

“I know you’re there, Clarke,” Raven broke the watery silence again; “Can I come in?”

Clarke didn’t care to reply; she continued picking on her toes and laid her chin on her knees. Water streamed down her face down her whole nude body.

“Alright, I’m coming in,” Raven sighed. Raven stood up in front of the shower. She saw a disheartened Clarke lying on the shower floor, her knees pressed to her chest as she let water run down her body. Clarke’s body was pale and bruised all over. Her feet were swollen, probably out of marching to war. Her arms looked weak and heavy and her ribs were showing. Her lips were already turning purple because of all the time she had spent under the cold shower. Raven sympathized with her; it’s not like Raven didn’t have her own ghosts, she had been beaten up too. The deaths of the grounders, the mountain men and, of course, Finn haunted her as well. She had been an active member of these executions some way or the other, but she had never had to make the call. Clarke had.

“Wasting a river on you, princess?” Raven eased out trying not to add up in Clarke’s thoughts.

Clarke pouted. 

Raven pressed her lips together to the side and grabbed the towel Clarke had brought with her. She reached to Clarke and helped her stand up while wrapping her body tight in the towel and drying her hair a little with it.

“How did you find me?” 

“Didn’t you get the memo about me being awesome?” Raven said sassily but softly. “I got power to work in the control room too. We’ve got eyes. I was looking at you when you just disappeared in here. It had been a while so I came to check on you.”

“Raven Awesome Reyes checking on me? Who would have thought?” Clarke teased unemotionally.

Raven just shoved her a little as she finished drying her hair. Clarke walked out the bathroom back to the bunk bed with Raven. “Did you bring any clean clothes?” Raven asked.  
Clare shook her head from one side to the other. 

“Okay, just wait here. I’ll get you some,” Raven said as she headed towards the door.

“Raven?” Clarke barely whispered. She turned around to look at Clarke, her knee brace visually weighting. “Wou… Would you stay with me for a while?” Clarke hesitated.

Raven stared at Clarke, pressed her lips together and just nodded. The mechanic lay down on the bunk bed close to the wall; she reached for the brace and pulled her leg up. Clarke was still wet with the towel wrapped around her body. Her legs were uncovered as her hair was damp with water. She lay down giving her back to Raven. Both girls stayed silent for a long while. Raven focused on Clarke’s breathing. It was calmed but heavy like it was too much effort for her to keep breathing. Clarke felt Raven’s Gaze on her, it felt consuming like Raven tried to suck up a little bit of her pain by staring. 

They had spent some good minutes in silence when Raven hesitated but finally reached up a hand to gently squeeze Clarke’s pale and cold forearm. Clarke almost wished she hadn’t. As soon as she felt Raven’s touch, tears started streaming down her face. Her sobbing was choking her as she tried to keep breathing. Clarke rolled around barely letting Raven see her face and sank into her chest. Raven was caught by surprise but she didn’t say anything. Despite getting soaked by Clarke’s towel; she wrapped one arm around her back hoping to keep her strong, hoping to not let her break completely. She wondered if this was what Clarke needed help with. 

“I’m sorry,” Clarke started weeping.

Raven pushed Clarke away just a little to face her. “I heard what you did with Cage. Do not be sorry, Clarke. You did what you had to do. You kept us alive.” she stated as she looked firmly into Clarke’s eyes.

Clarke sniffed her weeping in and nodded. “How much of your hate do I deserve, Raven?” Clarke questioned.

Raven sighed but answered, “some, but you also deserve my gratitude.”

“Why would I?” Clarke asked obviously confused.

“You saved me last night and I see how much it cost you. You saved us when Finn… you know, and I know how much it cost you because it cost me the same. I won’t count the other times you saved our friends when you were alone on the ground.” 

“I don’t want to be praised for killing people” Clarke affirmed.

“How about for keeping people alive?” Raven inquired. 

Clarke let herself get lost in her thoughts before answering, “I am glad that you’re alive.”

“I very much like to be alive too, Griffin.” Raven gave her a half a smile and two seconds later added up, “I like that you’re alive too.” She held Clarke in silence for another while who had clearly calmed down.

“Raven?” Clarke tried.

“Hmmm?” Raven voiced back.

“I’m leaving,” Clarke informed.

 

_________________________________________________________________

 

Clarke avoided going back to the dining room as long as she could. She knew her mother had been managing the disposal of the bodies with the guards and anybody who offered. She trusted her mother could handle that, Clarke had done much already. When she stepped past the two-side door into the dining room, she was surprised to not see leaking bodies still lying around, but the smell was still there indeed. It was bitter, humid and metallic. The room was warm and the air felt heavy probably because of all the gas dancing around it. She ignored the urge to vomit as she saw her mother sitting on a round table discussing with Kane. 

Her mother locked eyes with her and squeezed Kane’s arm as a silence request for him to leave. Kane stood up and gazed at Clarke. His nose was covered with gauze and the face behind it looked a little sensitive. He looked once more at Abby and left. 

Abby walked towards Clarke and pulled her gently so she would take a sit next to her. She ran her hands warmly on Clarke’s face while looking at her regretfully. She noticed her daughter uneasy and quickly explained, “I had the bodies moved to the next room as we are able to dispose them all.”

“Are you ok?” Abby wondered as much for herself as for Clarke.

“Mom, are you settling in the mountain?” Clarke asked with concern in her voice, ignoring her mother’s previous question.

“I know you might not agree with this, Clarke. But I do know what I’m doing. We need the resources. This place! This place is like a heaven of supplies,” Her mother pleaded.

Clarke shook her head from one side to the other continuously. “You should do it. We need it,” Clarke conceded.

Abby sighed in relieve. She thought that maybe her daughter wasn’t completely lost. Maybe she could get her daughter back. “Harper will be fine. Her wounds weren’t serious. I stitched her up a while ago. She’s resting in the medical floor,” Abby informed contentedly.

“I’m glad,” Clarke replied back and kept silent for a few seconds, “Mom, I… About what happened earlier–”

“It’s okay, Clarke. I talked to Kane. He knows it won’t happen again. You were clearly overwhelmed and you have a lot on your head. He’s not– ” Her mother relaxed her voice as she spoke.

“Mom, you seriously don’t get it!” Clarke snapped. “But you will have to, you have to if you want to keep our people alive.” Clarke paused and looked and her mother troubled before throwing out proudly, “I will do it again and over and over. I’ll do whatever I have to do to keep our people safe. That’s what I’ve been doing since you sent us down here.”

Abby’s gaze hardened, she was obviously getting tired of her daughter’s questioning and complaining. Though, she knew that some of it she actually deserved it. Clarke had been through horrible things down on the ground before the Ark came. But Clarke was still a teen, yet she seemed sure she knew better.

“You are not in charge anymore, Clarke,” her mother declared.

“You don’t decide that, the same I didn’t decide to be in charge when I got to the ground,” Clarke came back.

Clarke’s lips trembled as she continued, “You can’t rule on the Ark’s laws anymore. Since you got to the ground you’ve been nothing but a victim. Neither you nor Kane have had to make any difficult choices. You haven’t taken lives to save others. I pulled the lever! That’s on me!” Clarke screamed at her mother. “You are alive because I chose your lives better than theirs. We survive because I took their lives. It was my decision, not yours, not Kane’s; and it will haunt me and no other. I pulled the lever, mom!!”

Clarke forced herself not to cry but she had gotten uneasy and her face was red because of her fury, because of all the pain suppressed in her insides. Her mother carefully walked towards her and wrapped Clarke in her arms. She held onto her mother tightly seeking for protection, for understanding, something that maybe her mother wasn’t able to give her. She still sought for it as hard as she could. 

“I’m trying to change that. This doesn’t have to be all on you,” Abby sympathized.

“This ground is ruthless, mom. You can’t just try because you’ll end up dead. We have to be determined to keep our people alive. How we do it doesn’t matter,” Clarke assured her.

“It does matter, Clarke. We can’t turn our back on who we are,” her mother defended trying to reach deeper in her daughter.

“Who we are and who we need to be to survive are very different things,” Clarke upheld. She didn’t completely believe that but Bellamy’s words were the ones that seemed to fit her now.

 

__________________________________________________________

 

“I know you can do this, Raven.” Clarke said without expecting an answer, “no one can suspect about it. It’ll make people nervous”

“Are you expecting war or is this because of something else?” Raven asked.

“No. I don’t know. I mean… We never know,” She answered.

Raven and Clarke sat on a small metallic table. Raven had taken over a medium-sized mechanic station that was on the upper level. It had a lot of equipment. When Raven told Clarke about it, her eyes had lit up with possibilities. And that was good because Clarke needed that Raven was up to inventing and fixing. 

“It’s gonna take time. What if your mother gets curious?” Raven asked.

“Out of all people you are the one that would know how to deal with my mother. You’ll be fine,” Clarke assured her, “this is for the best, Raven. I don’t think she would be on board if she found out.”

“I don’t even know if I’m on board, Clarke,” Raven came back.

“I know. But you’ll get it done,” Clarke affirmed, “I have reasons to think that there will be grounder scouts around the mountain. It is very important that you reveal no sign of what you’re doing.”

“How am I going to do that?” Raven questioned in concern.

“Once I’m gone, you will inform Bellamy and Octavia of this.” Raven noticed how Clarke left Lincoln out which was probably for the best. “Bellamy and Octavia must scout the woods with Miller and Harper checking it’s safe for you to work. I believe you will need Monty’s assistance too,” she went through the plan, “and Raven, try to keep Jasper on the dark.”

Raven nodded. She didn’t question because she knew having Jasper to know would only represent a threat. He was unstable and suffering. Raven felt bad for him, she understood him of course. It was better if they gave him time away from all of this. She finally asked seeking for an assuring answer, “are you sure about what you’re doing?”

“No. That’s why you have to do this, Raven. I… We don’t know where we stand. We survived this battle but we also have just been betrayed. The grounders might not see us as an enemy now, but that could change. We have to keep our people safe.” Clarke sounded convinced.

 

________________________________________________________

 

“Octavia!?” Clarke asked confused when she saw the girl walking towards her and Raven, next to her was Lincoln. Then she looked at Raven and frowned.

“They’re just gonna help you out, ok? Then they’ll head back in the morning. That’s what we agreed,” Raven defended herself from Clarke’s eyes.

“I can do on my own, it’d be too risky to be out in a group,” Clarke argued.

“So would be for you without any sense of orientation or survival,” Lincoln commented with a serious face.

Clarke opened her mouth to complain but decided to not argue. He was right. Raven was surprised, “Look at that, O. Your boyfriend sure knows how to shut up the princess.” Octavia smiled.

Octavia had changed since the very first day on the ground; but after the TonDC bombing, she was very reserved about Clarke. They didn’t really talk if it was not necessary. She felt betrayed and she was right; Clarke wouldn’t ask for Octavia's forgiveness, to think of that would be foolish. She would get whatever Octavia was willing to offer her.

“You don’t even know how to get through the tunnels,” Octavia grunted at Clarke, “let’s go.” Octavia looked strong and fearless; of course this was the girl that sliced a man’s arm without blinking two days ago. She also had a powerful and convincing figure. 

“I disabled the tunnels cameras, I’ll give you an hour to get out of range,” Raven said as she opened the big metallic door to give them access to tunnels that used to be reaper’s territory.

Lincoln and Octavia stepped out. Clarke walked to follow them but stopped by the door to face Raven. “Thank you,” she said meaningfully. Raven pressed her lips together and replied, “I filled the backpack with as many supplies as I could. It should be enough for a few days. I couldn’t take many bullets without them noticing. Sergeant Miller was all over it doing inventory, but I got you a baton.”

Clarke nodded at her friend and held Raven’s forearm tightly, “may we meet again”. 

Raven squeezed back Clarke’s arm and echoed her, “may we meet again.”

They had been walking in the tunnels for over half hour now. Nobody had said anything. They had to be alert so silence was an unspoken agreement. Even if the mountain men were dead, they still had to deal with the consequences of what they had done. The reapers were still detoxifying and wandered in a wild state because of the abstinence syndrome. She knew her mother was taking in those reaper grounders that wandered by the tunnel door. Raven told her that Abby ordered her to inform when she saw any reapers. With the mountain supplies, they had medicine a lot of medicine. It was not like her mother sent out a party to get the reapers and heal them, after all they didn’t owe anything to the grounders; but she was still a doctor, she couldn’t ignore a sick suffering person and Clarke was glad that she couldn’t. 

Lincoln had been stiff through the entire walk and his body was notably uncomfortable. He hadn’t relaxed at any moment, and it was understandable. “Are you ok?” Clarke whispered to him. He remained tense and just nodded. Clarke nodded back and said, “thank you for being out here for me”. Clarke was aware how much it weighed on Lincoln to remember the time in which he was a reaper and what he had done; these tunnels were a very fresh reminder. 

“What will happen to them?” He asked.

“Them?” Clarke doubted for a moment, and then she realized he meant the reapers. “Some of them will be ok if they can respond to their basics needs. They are going through an abstinence syndrome. They just have to overcome it as you did,” she replied. Clarke knew it was very different to go through abstinence under observation and without it. Many of them were going to die choking on their own saliva or killing themselves out of desperation; but she thought she could spare Lincoln of that information who nodded at her and quickened his steps, “move faster. It’d be better if we get out of the tunnels with sunlight.” Octavia followed him gracefully. 

Clarke just picked up the pace and gave up into silence again. Though, Octavia hadn’t really said a word, as usual. Her face was hardened and focused. She looked bold and courageous embracing the grounder’s appearance. Octavia wore tight dark clothes with the armor sides on her arms and chest. Her clothes were surrounded with belts in which Clarke counted 4 different daggers; and by her hip, there was her sword firmly secured. Her hair was braided in some not way too complex style and; she had the war-paint on her face, probably because of the mission she was complying with–helping Clarke.

 

____________________________________________________________

 

A few hours later Lincoln decided they reached a safe place to spend the night. They got to a thick part of the woods. The trees were really tall and dominant but they didn’t have many branches. Clarke thought that it was more difficult for scouts to hide climbed on these trees, and that was safe. She remembered the first couple of days on the ground when some of the people who came down in the drop ship with her were snatched up from trees and given back to the ground with sliced throats. They were a few of the firsts to die; unaware of the brutality of earth, unaware of the brutality of Lexa’s people. 

The night was cool and windy. She thought that maybe she would be facing colder nights all alone on the upcoming days. Clarke would be all alone in the dark dangerous woods which were Grounder territory; she felt a shiver on her spine and her anxiety almost made her think that what she was doing was crazy. She should better head back with them and forget the whole thing, but dismissed the thought. Clarke gritted her teeth, she was here and she was going through.  
The camp was settled on a higher zone of the woods, a small hill that gave them visibility advantage. This is something Lincoln had thought about; something Clarke hadn’t considered. Clarke wasn’t one to know many survival skills and she wasn’t sure she would even make it to her destiny, but maybe that wouldn’t be terrible. “Do you know how to make fire?” Lincoln interrupted her thoughts.

Clarke never even thought about that simple thing before. She knew the theory but she never had to apply it, there was always someone who took care of that simple task while she was making life or death decisions. Back at the drop ship, the boys took care of it; and when the ark came down, they had the devices to easily start fire. “I think I know, but I’ve never done it before,” she said trying to not sound useless. Lincoln nodded and that was Clarke’s sign to know that it was her task to complete for the night, since he disappeared silently into the woods followed by Octavia.

After Clarke gathered the wood she needed to start the fire–a flat dry piece and a hard, round-like stick–she built a space for the fire on the ground and removed any little sprout that could be wet because of the cold night. She placed the flat piece on the ground and began to friction the stick on it. She rubbed the stick as fast as she could, moving her palms downward on it; but it seemed like it wasn’t working. She repeated the action continuously without getting even a hint of smoke, and the stick seemed to slip off the flat wood very often since Clarke got obviously frustrated. 

Her palms were already red and hurting when Lincoln and Octavia came back with three dead squirrels. Lincoln barely glanced at Clarke and took off again. Two minutes later he came back and leaned in front of Clarke. She stopped rubbing and Lincoln added a small tinder nest just under the flat wood. He then started rubbing down the same way Clarke had before. It took over 5 minutes or less but after the smoke appeared and he stirred the flame, he got the fire going. “Patience is a virtue and it is essential for survival… and of course tinder, too,” he affirmed, and of course, Octavia couldn’t help but smile at her boyfriend mocking the princess. “Yeah, uhhmm thanks.” Clarke replied. 

They ate in silence. Clarke offered to open one of the jars of beans Raven packed for her but Lincoln rejected it and said “spare your food, hunt when possible”.  
The fire threatened to die out during the night so Lincoln stirred and fed it one more time and announced her, “Octavia will take the first watch then I will; you should rest.” He settled on the ground like he had many times before, certainly sleeping without comfort was one thing a warrior was used to. He faced the tree giving his back to the firelight while Octavia leaned her back against it with her hand firmly wrapped on the grip of her sword. Clarke imitated Lincoln on the other side of the fire but after an hour of rolling around without getting any rest; she accepted that she wasn’t going to catch sleep. Clarke got up silently and sat next to Octavia, “can’t sleep.”

“I noticed,” Octavia acknowledged her comment after a few seconds.

They sat there in silence taking in the serenity of the night woods. It was dark but they could see through it thanks to the moonlight reflected on the leaves.

“I guess Raven told you that I’m going to Polis,” Clarke sighed.

“She didn’t,” Octavia denied.

Clarke was confused, “how did she get you to come then?”

“I don’t agree with all your decisions, Clarke; but you keep our people alive,” Octavia accepted.

“I might not even get in there, but I must confront Lexa, I have to go” Clarke sighed. 

After a few minutes of looking into darkness; Octavia asked once more, “Are you doing this for our people or for you?”

Clarke doubted at the questioned trying to come up with the right answer, an answer she wasn’t sure she had yet. “Our people. I don’t know. Me. Both.”

Octavia snorted, “Well, I hope you just don’t let us to die as in TonDC.”

Clarke swallowed hard at the comment, “I am sorry, Octavia”

“I could’ve died. You let me to die.” Octavia said with bitterness in her voice.

“But you didn’t die, and I stopped her after that too.” Clarke pleaded.

“You stopped her?” Octavia questioned.

Octavia looked confused and Clarke finally explained, “Lexa… She ordered to have you killed because you knew about the bombing. She considered you a threat. I stopped the warrior and forced her to stand down. I never wanted to let you die, O.” Octavia clenched her jaw to Clarke’s confession, she was mad at Clarke for what she had done during war. She had been to hurt to see that Clarke’s actions happened because she had to let them happen, not because she wanted them to happen, not because she didn’t care about who she was sacrificing. She was Clarke, caring for them was her thing. ‘That’s war,’ Octavia remembered Indra’s words.

“Lincoln believes he has a kill order against him by the Commander,” Octavia said with a little bit of anger in her voice.

“How does he know that?” Clarke swallowed regretting having her friends out there for her risking their lives. 

“We saw the initial of his name carved onto a tree. The poisonous tree they use for their weapons,” Octavia explained, “he says only healers manipulate the poison since it’s very toxic. He believes Nyko tried to warn him.”

“He shouldn’t be out here, O. You shouldn’t be out here.” 

Octavia nodded, “Neither should you. The woods aren’t safe for anyone. Lincoln and I will head back in the morning.”

They kept silent for a while processing the information the other had given. Most of all Clarke felt unworthy of having her friend out risking herself and her boyfriend to help her. Lincoln had risked and lost a lot because of sky people. His stand was stronger than loving Octavia and Clarke could see how deeply and completely he loved her, but she knew that Lincoln siding with them instead of his people had to do with who he is and what he wanted of living-something that Finn used to want before he got lost. She wondered if there would be a day in which nobody would have to risk, lose or sacrifice. Maybe that was something not possible on earth at least not with the Lexa she had known ruling the grounders, not with people just trying to survive. Yet the survival of her people was why Clarke was out there.

Octavia sat there next to Clarke always alert. She looked at Lincoln’s restless sleep and felt anxious. The only reason she came out to the woods was because she was worried about Clarke’s impulsiveness, and now she was worried about her boyfriend’s life. On the Ark, there wasn’t much she had that she could lose, only her mother and her brother. She lost her because of her sole existence and was sent to prison. There wasn’t anything she could do to keep her mother from dying but Octavia wasn’t a scared little hiding girl anymore and she wasn’t gonna lose someone she loved this time. Now, she could fight against it, for and with Lincoln.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you have any opinions about it or suggestions, let me know with a comment :) 
> 
> Ps. I'm gonna start work next week, so I might take longer to post.


	3. Survive now. Cry later.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's the next. Leave comments or thoughts about it. I'd like to hear from you. :)

When Lincoln took over the watch in the early morning, Clarke had fallen asleep on Octavia’s lap. His girlfriend didn’t look bothered by it, she was instead a little relaxed considering how anxious and serious she had become after they found the warning last night. Lincoln nodded at her to silently inform her that he would take over and she should rest. Octavia negated by moving her head one side to the other. 

He knew she was worried but it wouldn’t help if Octavia was exhausted on the way back to the mountain. He quietly walked towards her and squatted in front of her. One of his palms calmly pressed on her chick, Lincoln looked deeply in her eyes, meaning to tell her that he would be ok, that he would stay with her, that nothing was going to happen, and that he was going to live; but in this world, he knew it wasn’t ok to make such promises. He kept his position, close to Octavia for just a couple more minutes, intending to express with his eyes anything and everything that was perpetuated inside him about her. His strength was all he had to offer her; and it was all hers. He wanted to live for her. Octavia’s lip barely trembled for half a second and just nodded. Her hand reached for Lincoln’s holding it tighter against her; the sky girl closed her eyes and it was just then when Lincoln stood up.

Octavia finally fell asleep in the same position she was since last night while Lincoln took his time to set up the fire that was now completely turned into ashes, and then stepped away from the sleeping sky girls to hunt. The morning was clear and quiet which should make the task easy, he didn’t go far away not wanting Octavia and Clarke to be unprotected, but he managed to get a medium-size rabbit and a peck of some wild berries. 

The fire was burning and heating up an awake Clarke; she was warming her hands up by it when Lincoln sneaked on her. Clarke startled a little. “Be alert and stay safe.” Lincoln said undisturbed, he sat by the fire and started skinning the rabbit. Clarke watched him attentively as he chopped it in three pieces, pushed a stick through each piece and put them on the fire. “Thanks, Lincoln,” Clarke said but what she got in return was a long sigh followed by what she thinks were instructions for getting to Polis, “Head South. As the sun rises follow its right, by noon march towards it.”

“You know where I’m going?” Clarke was intrigued.

Lincoln just nodded. “Did Octavia tell you?” Clarke knew she couldn’t have, she had just told Octavia a few hours ago and she hadn’t moved from her side. Evidently, Lincoln shook his head.

“Oh” Clarke said.

“The woods are dangerous. Don’t travel by night and shelter in caves. The river will be to your left but it’ll get further east as you continue,” Lincoln continued and Clarke took mental notes about all of this information she hadn’t care to think about. “You’ll cross with small villages, avoid them. If you get there, it would take you about seven moons considering your abilities.” Lincoln handed Clarke one of the rabbit stick and a leaf with the berry paste he had improvised. 

Clarke ate in silence. She was grateful with Lincoln. Out of all the grounders she had met, Lincoln was sure the one that truly deserved her wording out “You are my people”. She meant it when she said it; also she couldn’t take anybody else dying because of her and her decisions. There was no impeding reason for him to be out here, but she was glad he was and was grateful for the piece of knowledge he was giving her. It would be terribly useless if she got lost in the woods and died alone; his words hadn’t slipped away though, “If you get there…considering your abilities.” Clarke though that there was a very high chance she wouldn’t make it and that made her nervous, so she paid careful attention to Lincoln’s advices.

Though having slept a few hours, Octavia looked very tired and was voraciously eating while Lincoln was scouting the trees with his eyes, obviously concerned. Maybe there could be a party of grounders waiting to ambush him in the woods and he was out there because of Clarke, because of Octavia helping Clarke. The feeling of putting her friends at risk made Clarke unsettled, so she decided to quit stalling and get going soon enough.

When they were finished with food, Lincoln took care of the fire while the sky girls glanced at each other looking for the words to say. Finally, Octavia spoke, “Bellamy is going to kill you when he knows you’re gone.”

“I know. But he’s not ready to see me or talk to me. And I’m not ready either,” Clarke said, “just take care of his hot head, ok?”

“You take care of yourself, too,” Octavia replied. She calmly reached for her knee belt and slid out a medium-size dagger which she offered to Clarke and she said “You might need this,” then she reached for the belt by her ankle and slid out a smaller dagger which she handed to Clarke as well, “and this”. Clarke took the knives and glanced comprehensively at Octavia. “Thanks,” Clarke said just as Lincoln joined them standing by their side stiffly. Clarke glanced at him and she didn’t feel like prolonging her parting, “I think I’ve got everything. You should head back already.”

Octavia just nodded and asked, “will you come back?”

“I hope so,” Clarke truly wished.

Offering her arm to Clarke, Octavia nodded again and Clarke held it tighter than the usual. “May we meet again,” said Octavia.

“May we meet again,” Clarke imitated looking at her friend’s eyes, and she felt good because she knew Octavia really hoped to see her again. Maybe not everything she touched broke or maybe it could be fixed, so she let a slight smile cross her lips.

Clarke then looked at Lincoln to ask, “take care of her.”

He nodded as Octavia walked towards him, then muttered gently, “Mebi oso na hit choda op nodotaim.” She believed she knew what the words meant but didn’t ask since the fusing Lincoln pulled off sent a shiver up her spine. She limited to nod before watching Lincoln and Octavia stepping away in the opposite direction. 

 

________________________________________

 

The woods were still quiet and calming, silence only interrupted by a few chirping of the birds and the far noise of running water. Clarke had been walking for over three hours and until then it had been easy to follow Lincoln’s instructions. The landscape hadn’t changed much; trees were still dense and tall which was an advantage for her, the sun was high since it was sure close to be mid-day. On a steady pace, Clarke was lost in her thoughts wondering if Octavia and Lincoln made it back to the mountain safely. She hoped so. What would her mother think when she figured out she was gone? Maybe she would send some scouts to look for her, but that wouldn’t be safe; her mother must know that, she secretly wished her mother would understand and trust her. After the drop ship landing, all the struggles she and the others went through; the killing, the sickness, the blood, the decisions, she wasn’t a kid anymore. Clarke was capable of being a leader, not because she chose to but because she had had to, having her mother’s support would make a great difference, but her mother didn’t seem to understand the ground yet. 

Clarke kept walking being careful of the sun position. There hadn’t been much to be startled about through all day. The woods were calm, but that was probably because she was still very close to the mountain zone. She was focused on the woods, at least most of the time. Her thoughts were still flashed with death, and so many breathless faces. Clarke shook the thoughts away; she couldn’t afford them right now. She had to do this and she couldn’t let herself be distracted, if only she needed to be pushed forward. Even though her brain was occasionally shot with these images, memories, Clarke had been able to control them. It was probably in part because of the quietness and serenity of the woods; the sensation of undisturbed immensity was soothing, fresh air, silence, no one but her to take care of. That last part was kind of a luxury lately for her.

The sun was completely up in the sky which gave away that it was noon, and Clarke decided it was time for a small brake. Quickly, she looked around for an advantageous position to sit down and eat; she spotted the hill going up in a little less than a half mile and walked towards it. After having scouted down the hill with her eyes, Clarke picked a tree and sat down laying her back on it. She opened her backpack to look for the water canteen, which Raven put in there for her. It was small, Clarke was disappointed because she would probably have to fill it again every day and only drink enough to stay hydrated. A growling sound coming for her stomach invited her to promptly eat up; two sips of water were enough before looking for some food. She held out a jar with some dried meat and picked a couple of small pieces, completing the meal with some berry leftovers that Lincoln gave her. It was smart to eat them now, they could go rotten. As Clarke ate, unsettling feelings suited her body and doubts filled her mind. Was she right on doing this? She wasn’t a warrior; all she did was take decisions. It wouldn’t be smart to put herself and her people on the fire line. Maybe this could be too much for. No! Too much would be watching her people, her friends, and her family being wiped out by the grounders. She would find respect and protection, one way or the other. With her mind made up, she finished her meal, rearranged her backpack and continued. 

The afternoon had gotten hotter and humid making Clarke get rid of her jacket wrapping it around her hips. Above the waist, she was only wearing a light white t-shirt with low neck. She was thankful for it because drops of sweat where traveling down her neck now and walking under the shadow of the trees wasn’t as relieving as she wished. Her pace was slow but steady, rushing under this weather conditions would only make her dehydrate faster. She tried to focus on the time, the night was not far away, so she would only have to wait a few hundred of minutes and she’ll be fine; by then her water canteen was below half-empty, so she took a small sip remembering she had to make it last. 

A couple of hours later, the heat had dropped enough to make it bearable. It was still hot but it wasn’t as terrible as earlier. The night must had been a couple of hours away, so Clarke started looking around for a shelter to spend the night and found a small cave by a short cliff on the hill a few minutes later. It was really small but it would keep her away from sight during the night. She stepped in it, put her backpack on the side and left with her knifes and gun. Along the cliff, there were some dead trees and stone. She noticed the stones were a little wet with some moss on them, which was good sign; maybe she wasn’t that far from the river, she would need water soon. The path on the cliff was rocky and uneven, she stumbled ripping on rocks a few time, but eventually found what she was looking for and headed back to the cave.

Clarke settled right outside it and put down the materials. A small tinder nest laid under a flat piece of wood as Clarke held a long and round stick in her hands. Now it was time to put her hands to work, she felt a little nervous and unconfident. Clarke new that making a fire was important to survival and hoped she could do it. Her hands started rubbing the stick quickly, the edge of the stick spun over the wood for minutes but it seemed to cause no reaction except making Clarke’s hands hurt. The stick rubbing against Clarke’s palms felt like it was needling her skin. Patience–she remembered Lincoln said. She thought she had been trying to make the fire for so long, the sun was going down by now and all she had gotten was a few hints of smoke but nothing else. Why was this so damn difficult? Lincoln did it. The guys at camp did it every night. Why couldn’t she do it? What the hell was she doing out here!? She threw the stick away in frustration and rubbed her face, just to reject the touch on her hands, they were red and sensitive; she let out a long sigh and looked up into the sky. It wasn’t light blue anymore; it was getting slightly darker with little drops of orange around it. It looked beautiful, peaceful, and serene, endless. Somewhere up there Clarke used to live a different life not long ago. She thought about her previous life, to call it somehow. Living in the Ark, before her father was sacrificed and she had gotten locked up, had been easy; you followed the rules and that was it. She didn’t have to worry about war, food or fire; up there life wasn’t just about surviving. Her eyes gazed down to earth again and stared into the trees, truly appreciating how green they were. The chilling breeze brushed her cheeks and she grasped the ground under her. Up there life wasn’t just about surviving, but down here she might have the chance to live a real life. Clarke just wished living wasn’t so expensive, she knew that she wasn’t meant to step on earth, not even her child if she was ever to have one. Perhaps her grandchild could’ve gotten the privilege at an old age. Yet she was here now, she had met the grace of earth but at the cost of its horrors.

It was already pitch dark and chilly when Clarke stepped back in the cave. Her eyes got used to the darkness in matter of seconds, so at least she had little visibility, enough to notice her shadow. She lay against the cave wall while eating some beans out of a jar, feeling her appetite taking over considering how little she had eaten earlier; going to sleep with a full stomach seemed like a great idea. When the beans were gone, she put the jar away and drank some water making sure to leave at least three sips for tomorrow. Being done with her raw meal, she slid further into the cave. Clarke grabbed her gun and placed it in a hand reach as well as she kept the knives in her belt, used the backpack as a pillow and tried to relax her body for the night.

 

________________________________________

 

When Clarke woke up the next morning, her body was sore and she felt exhausted. It had been a cool night and she was numb. Adding up to this, last night her brain hadn’t given her a rest. There was so much or they were so many she would think about: The mountain men, her mother, her people–the children, Jasper, grounders, space, Lexa, Cage, her dad, Bellamy, Octavia, Lincoln, the hundred – or whatever was left of them, Wells. 

Clarke stretched her arms and legs before going silently out of the cave as her eyes scouted the woods to check it was safe, then climbed back up the cliff and drank whatever was left of water. The need of collecting water was at hand, so she decided to head towards the river in diagonal and cover some distance until she met the river. The woods looked the same as the day before; the only difference is that the distance between the trees had grown bigger and there were many small cliffs like the one she took shelter in, which made it difficult to keep a steady pace. As well, the open spaces were now a disadvantage; Clarke reminded herself to be alert on any noise. 

It hadn’t been over 30 minutes of walking when she heard the river flow and hastened her pace towards the sound. Clarke already felt a dry throat; the little water hadn’t been very satisfying. When she got there, she was dazzled with the view. The river was beautiful; it was similar to the one that she first saw with Octavia, Jasper, Monty and Finn but this one was smaller. The crystalline water flowed down south with the soft sound of rocks bumping into each other; the edges of the river were covered with different plants and colorful flowers. She could even spot the shadow of fishes swimming carelessly in the water. Clarke’s gaze saddened for a second, in a different time all that Clarke would’ve wished for was to make justice on the colors as she painted them on a canvas. Was it even possible in this world to enjoy those little things? She thought life on the ground would be so easy if it were about enjoying it and not taking it. 

Her hands reached for the canteen and sank it in the water letting it fill completely. The water brushed her sore palms and it felt great, so she put the canteen down and sank both her hands in the water and sighed in relief. The sticky sweat on her face and neck got washed away with fresh water. She thought of dipping in it, but on plain view that wouldn’t be a smart idea and dismissed it. After she cleaned herself well enough, Clarke’s throat reminded her of her thirst. She went for her canteen; but as she did, she remember that water must be sterile so it’s drinkable. The simplest thing she could do was to boil the water, all she needed was… to make a fire. Great, she though. 

Clarke gathered the wood and she tried to convince herself that she would make the fire today, though her palms weren’t on board with the idea. She lay by the river and decided to eat before getting to work. She hadn’t really gone over whatever Raven packed for her. In the backpack, besides the canteen; there was a small flashlight like the one Raven used when repairing small parts at her station. There were a few jars, not big but with enough for a good meal each; three jars of beans and three jars of dry meat. Clarke’s eyes lit up when she spotted one more jar, it was the biggest one; it contained some kind of red fruit jam, which the mountain men had stashed in their kitchen. The first night she was out of quarantine when at the mountain, she tried this jam with her meal. It was delicious; she had never tried something as sweet back in the Ark. Raven is just amazing, Clarke thought and she noticed something written in the cap of the jar “Stole a bunch of these. Don’t dare to die and make me go fat alone–Raven”. Clarke knew this was Raven’s way of saying she cared and her heart felt the warmest since the war; she opened the jar in excitement and dipped her finger in; she sucked the jam off her finger as her mouth groaned in delight, “fucking good.”

The jam was left by her side as she continued checking the bag. There was a slightly thick blanket that she could’ve used last night. She shook her head at herself while placing it on the side, on top of it she put a spare cartridge and the spoon she used to eat last night. The next item to get out was a small loupe; what would be of Clarke without her friends? This was just what she needed. There was only one more item Raven put in the backpack, the baton. 

Clarke placed the loupe to reflect the sunlight onto the tinder nest she had built. In matter of seconds, she made a small fire which she fed up until a good size. She placed the metallic canteen on top of it to wait while she ate some more red jam.

 

________________________________________

 

The day went on and so did Clarke, getting back on track following the sun position. Even though the woods were still calmed, they were a little bit more alive. Today, she could actually hear some birds singing instead of the previous faint chirping. She spotted a deer for mere seconds before it ran away from her sight, and heard a couple of squirrels squeaking as they climbed up a tree. Some other noises blended in with the breeze but Clarke wasn’t sure where they came from, at least she knew they were animal noises. She remained alert but still thinking she preferred the animals' threat than the grounders’. Smartly, she had decided to keep the spare cartridge in her belt next to her gun.

Clarke had made sure to eat enough, so she wouldn’t have to stop for a meal break; she had lost enough time at the river. The landscape was pretty much the same as before but today was so much hotter than yesterday. She tried to save as many energy as she could but never stopping. Even the ground was hot enough to warm her feet which were starting to hurt, and the sun was still going to be up for a couple more hours. Clarke thought that she hadn’t been walking for long, so she pushed away the exhaustion and kept walking.

It was close to dark when Clarke found herself sheltered in a cave. It was a bigger cave than the last one, but it was pitch dark since no moon light peeped in. She used the flashlight to check the cave and sat down by its wall; she took out some dry meat and enjoyed chewing it slowly, trying to rest her mind from all the thoughts that had been haunting her mind all day. The night was cool and a soft breeze swept through the cave, so she took out the blanket and wrapped herself in it, minutes later she gave into sleep. 

“Why are you alive, Clarke!?” A voice screamed by the river. Clarke was drowning. A fork delivered a bite of pie in her mouth; she was choking, gasping for air. Flashes of blistered skin ran through her eyes. Raven’s screams drilled her ears and her throat heaved at the smell or burned flesh. Guns echoed in her brain. Her hand was holding knife, tears streaming down her face. Her hand was warmer now; a red thick fluid covered it and kept climbing up her body. It was too hot; it was burning ‘thank you, princess.’ Clarke woke up covered in sweat, her breathing was racing and her eyes wouldn’t focus in the dark. She reached her hands to the ground scratching the dirt with her nails desperately wanting to hang on to reality. She crawled on the ground and cried repeating “there are no good guys.” She dug her nails on her forearm skin hugging her own body, “no good guys.” She laid her face flat on the cold ground, her body shivering sending shudders up her spine until she fell into a restless sleep.

Clarke woke up frightened and guilty, her heart racing and her chest weighting. Babbling voices slipped in the cave, she couldn’t identify them but the voices were thick and made no sense. It was grounder language for sure, “ai shil op, reshop”. The steps grew louder as they walked into the cave. Clarke heart was pounding fast while she held her left-hand fingers tight around the gun. It was probably around mid-night so the cave was still pitch dark. Clarke knew she couldn’t stay in the cave; it was too dangerous to let herself be found. Quickly and quietly, she grabbed her backpack, wrapped the blanket around it and reached for the cave wall to use it to lead her out of the cave without being noticed. Her fingers brushed on the hard wall as she heard movement happening around the other side of the cave. A friction sound broke the silence; the grounders were building a fire, she had to get out. The entrance of the cave was close, just a few more steps and she would be out. Clarke still held the gun in her hand–almost out. A little more… she felt the breeze brushing her face. She was out. “Uhgm!” Clarke fell face first on the ground. There was a warm body lying across the entrance and she tripped over it. Her gun slid of her hand a few inches away when she heard a metallic sound cutting air. A big figure of a man stood in front of her as she turned around, he held his sword up ready to attack her, and swung it down until it hit the ground where Clarke’s head was before she rolled away. Clarke grabbed the dagger from her ankle and dug it into his foot causing him to scream in pain. She ran to her holding it back in her hand just before feeling a warm burning pain by her left knee, and she hit the ground again. When she looked back up, there were two threatening figures rising in front of her with their swords out.

“Chon yu bilaik?” A woman’s voice demanded.

Not a word was out of Clarke’s mouth as she pointed her at the man, who was the bigger of the two. “Em laik kom skaikru,” she heard the man’s heavy voice raging.

“Frag em op!” The grounder man screamed as he swung his sword towards her and Clarke took a desperate shot without aiming. It hit him in his arm making him drop the weapon and fall on top of Clarke hurting heavily. She felt a strong hit on her knuckles before dropping the gun not far from her. Her breath went missing from her lungs as strong hands were pressing her neck; Clarke felt her head swollen and pressure hitting her eyeballs. She was ready to let herself go, right now all she could feel was the desperation of not breathing; and it wasn’t that bad. It wasn’t as bad as feeling the pain of grieve, of guilt and uncertainty. It wasn’t as bad as hearing 'thank you, princess' or 'I made this choice with my head, not with my heart' or 'none of us has a choice here, Clarke.' 

The words banged her ears, “none of us has a choice here, Clarke” She was almost gone, she could feel it. But it wasn’t her time, not right now. Her hand reached the side of lher belt and pulled out Octavia’s dagger and with a quick swing of her arm she firmly stabbed the grounder’s throat and slid the knife down his neck. His blood flowed and fell onto Clarke’s face, it was warm and heavy. She coughed as she found air back in her lungs and blood in her mouth. “Jus drein jus daun,” she heard the grounder woman’s war cry. Clarke’s gun was back in her hand, this time there was no hesitation. It was pointing straight at the grounder’s chest when the bullet flew out and a flat sound matched the body hitting the ground. Clarke desperately pushed the grounder man’s body off her and crawled away from it in pain and tears. She heard the grounder crawling to her, blood leaking from her mouth as she gasped, “Our death will be avenged. The real commander is yet to rise.”

 

________________________________________

 

Clarke’s knee was bleeding as she limped in her running. Her backpack was hanging on one shoulder, the gun in her left hand still holding the trigger and the bloody dagger wrapped tightly in her right hand. Her tears washed away part of the now cold blood on her face and her feet kept moving numbly; no thought in her head, just the need to get way. But from where? To where? She didn’t care. Away from herself was enough, away from living, away from survival. How could she run from who she was? How could she run from what she would do to stay alive? Maybe it was not possible, but right now all she wanted was to try leaving all behind, leaving this her behind.

It was early morning when Clarke lay flat by the cold river sand. She lifted her face from the ground to see a rising sun; and touched her face, it felt dry and the smell right under her nose was disgusting. The river was surprisingly warm as its sand was cold; Clarke cleaned her face and hands thoroughly, scrubbing her skin hoping to wash away the feeling with it. She went for her belt and took out the medium-size dagger; she left the other one back at the cave, back in the grounder’s foot. The dagger was covered in dried brownish-red blood; Clarke’s eyes were staring blankly at the knife when she sank it into the water wiping away any trace of blood off the silver blade. She ran her finger along the blade–if it only were that easy. Clarke wished she could wash away the guilt like she did with her dagger, wash it all away and let it flow with the river. She wished to be like the dagger, which was now clean and shiny without the weight of what it had done before. She frowned at the memory and put the dagger away.

Clarke shifted her weight to her left side and lost her leg support reminding her of the wound she had gotten on her knee. It was barely bleeding anymore but it was still burning. The cut wasn’t deep but it drew almost 4 inches across her knee. After the wound was clean, she examined it and determined it wasn’t anything bad; it should heal without infection. She ripped off a piece of her blanket; and silenced her pain with heavy breaths as she wrapped the bandage tight covering the cut. Having it done, Clarke decided to stay put and refill her canteen before leaving. She set up the fire with the loupe, threw the canteen in; and forced herself to barely eat since her appetite was completely gone. 

By noon the landscape had changed to beauty in balance. The cliffs had grown taller and the woods were thick and small, though the distance between groves was somewhat large. The leaves had a green color she had never experienced, and the flowers smelled like her books descriptions could never explain. The sunlight was happy, reflecting the marvelous of the ground. The sounds that filled the woods were soft and in rhythm with each other. It was a peaceful afternoon. Clarke would’ve enjoyed this so much. This was exactly what Clarke thought of earth when she was back at space; the colors, the breeze, the harmony, the peacefulness. But this was not the earth Clarke was given, she landed in a ruthless ground that had taken so much since before stepping onto it. It had taken her people, it had taken her friends, it had taken her soul, her happiness, her love; but it had also taken her fear. If this is who she had to be to survive, she would be that and more.

Clarke was stiff and her eyes were staring blankly into the woods; only determination could be seen in them. There was nothing more to Clarke that keeping her people safe, and she would do so by any means, as she had done before. Clarke clenched her teeth keeping her tears in while her thoughts were attacked by all the memories of the people gone. Her chest ached and she felt like vomiting but she didn’t stop moving, “Success is survival. Survive,” she ordered herself.

The rest of the day went by without taking a break. The pain on her feet and exhaustion on her body felt little for what she deserved. These woods were unsuitable for sheltering in caves and the cliffs were too high, so for the night she would’ve to settle with the hollow-space in a big tree. The tree was wide enough and had big hole by its base. She would fit in it just fine for the night. Clarke crawled in it and laid her back against the tree wall, feeling slightly glad that she wasn’t standing up anymore. Suddenly, she heard her stomach complaining, she was really hungry since she had only had a couple of bites earlier. She took out a jar of dry meat a started eating until it was empty, then put everything back in her backpack; and with gun in hand, Clarke gave into sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "ai shil op, reshop" - "I protect, good night."
> 
> "Chon yu bilaik? - "Who are you?"
> 
> "Em laik kom skaikru" - "She is from the sky people."
> 
> "Frag em op" - "Kill her"


	4. Heda's reflection

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, people! This Chapter didn't come out as I originally intended it to, and it's actually shorter than the previous ones; but this was were I felt correct to split it. Plus, I added some piece of plot that I think will be useful for one of Clarke's revelations in the future. 
> 
> BY THE WAY, you like reading me? Let me know! What do you think so far? Hit me with your comments!
> 
> Thank you for taking some of your time for reading my work, and have fun.

It had been four days since Clarke first day in the woods. They hadn’t been easy. The afternoons kept getting hotter and hotter while the river grew away as she covered ground. The woods had gotten thicker and animals were no longer staying away from her, though she had actually wasted some bullets in vain because her aim wasn’t good enough to hunt. But the animals than didn’t seem to leave her alone were mostly insects, she had bites all over her body; and she hoped that none of those bites would poison her to death. There was a handful of fidgeting wings harassing her, making her wave her hands around her face to scare them away when she saw a ten-year-old boy running away past her as fast as he could, which confused her. She hadn’t even heard someone coming from behind her; actually the woods had been pretty quiet all morning, with the exception of bugs of course. The kid barely spared a glance at her without stopping his run, though Clarke noticed a hint of horror in his gaze. By turning her head around, she realized what the boy was so afraid of; three reapers were heading towards her on full speed.

Clarke turned and ran in the same direction the boy took, she could still see him a little far from her, but he never glanced back. She could feel the injury on her left leg burning, but despite of the pain she pushed harder and kept running. After a while of sorting through branches, uneven ground and the damn bugs; she felt like she had been running for a long time, though it had just actually been around ten minutes, but she had been out of breadth for the last eight. She was tired and the reapers were getting closer by the second, not like there was much distance between them. Gun in hand she kept glancing back at the reapers, trying to find an escape way around her. They probably were a few of the last reapers that Cage gave shots to, because they didn’t show any signs of abstinence yet. Sweat was streaming down her face and neck when the sight of the boy was completely gone, and she could feel one of the reapers right behind her. Unsuccessfully trying to escape by speeding up, a hand caught her by her arm pulling her down to the ground, her head hitting a root and letting the gun slip from her hand. A body pressed her to the ground pinning her arms away trying to control her, but Clarke pushed her knees up before he had completely fallen on top of her; she kicked the reaper straight in the stomach sending him two feet away while stumbling. Rolling over the ground, she grabbed her gun; jumped to stand in her feet and shot him in the chest. By the time she aimed at one of the other two reapers, they were almost on top of her as well, and that’s when she heard the terrifying ‘clic’ of an empty gun. Before she could even reach to the spare cartridge on her belt, she was again on the floor and this time there were two reapers seizing her while she felt blood streaming down her right cheek from the place where the root cut her. 

Both reapers were busy tying her up, probably thinking they could take her back to the mountain for another doss of their drug. Clarke glanced at her dagger and wondered if she would have any kind of chance against them; she decided to give it a shot instead of waiting to be taken back to the mountain as big stupid failure or even die before getting there. The dagger came out swiftly from her belt and using the same impulse, she dug it into the shoulder of the biggest one of the reapers. The man barely flinched at the feeling, he was a strong muscled man with a thick beard; her action seemed to infuriate him, and he used his strength to push her to the ground managing to leave Clarke out of breadth when she hit the ground. She turned around gasping for air when the reaper was ready to attack; and even though he wouldn’t probably kill her in expectance of getting his drug, still this was going to hurt. The reaper took a step forward with his companion on his side when half of a pointy silver blade came out of his stomach.

Before Clarke could react to what was happening, the only reaper left had pinned the boy from earlier down to the ground. They were struggling with each other; actually even if the boy was really skinny, he seemed to have enough strength to fight the reaper, but the man was probably too heavy because the boy hadn’t pushed him off his own body. Clarke pulled the rope that was tying her wrists together with her teeth, and switched the cartridge of her gun before taking a shot at the reaper’s head who fell flat on top of the boy. The gun was wrapped tightly on her hand, Clarke was getting nervous as the boy stood up in front of her; her gun aiming at him all the time and getting annoyingly sweaty. A fine cold breeze made her shiver when they boy stood quite still in front of her, he didn’t seemed bother by her gun. He grabbed his sword and slid it in his sheath, and there was something in the manner of conducting his body that Clarke thought resembled to someone else; and that made her uneasy. Clarke didn’t understand his actions either; the grounders she had met would never do any of those things, neither saving her nor being unarmed in front of a potential enemy, except for Lincoln; but he was different. The boy pulled her out of her nervous state of thinking when he spoke, “Are you sky people?” When Clarke didn’t answer, he spoke again, “you’re welcome, then.” To that, Clarke reacted.

“For what!? I saved you.”

“After I came back to save you” they boy smirked at achieving a response from the sky girl.

“You brought them to me,” Clarke was annoyed at the strange boy, and she tightened her grip on the gun.

“There are many dangers in the woods. I have no blame of it,” The boy said unaltered.

“I could kill you right now,” Clarke waved the gun in front of him. It was probably the best decision she could take. If she didn’t kill him, she was risking to be told on. But when the words came out of her mouth, her chest sank heavily; she wouldn’t say it out loud, but they boy did kind of save her, but she saved him to. It would be foolish of her to not kill him right now, but how could she pull the trigger? He was just a little child, a child probably consumed by the ground’s way of existing, and turned into a warrior. The ground seemed to have that effect on innocence–like with Charlotte, Finn, herself.

“Will you?” he dared to ask, and Clarke stared into the boy’s eyes, analyzing how big of a threat the boy was, but finally decided to lower her gun.

“Leave!” She ordered him in an angry tone while turning around and starting walking away, keeping her hand wrapped around the gun. The day wasn’t going to last forever and she had lost plenty of time and deviated from her path with the reapers encounter. She hoped the boy would leave and continue by himself, but after a few minutes of hearing the boy’s steps following her, she knew he wasn’t just going to go away. Grounders were usually smooth and they wouldn’t let themselves be heard if that was their intention, so they boy was obviously trying to annoy her and careless about letting her know his presence.

“If you keep following me, I will kill you,” Clarke said with an annoyed and threatening voice.

“You are going in the same direction I am. My village is there and my people don’t like sky people.” He pointed out in a warning like tone and raised his hand in the direction Clarke was walking towards, after jumping in front of her. The boy had a very solemn way of speaking, but also seemed to be mocking her, which made her a little suspicious. Maybe the boy was out there to trick her and make her his prisoner. But why would grounders send a child?

“Why are you alone?” Clarke let out in suspicious, and immediately saw him lower his head and doubt for a few seconds. 

“I wasn’t,” he lifted his chin back up, “I was in a mission with my people, they’re dead. They got them all.” His voice was strong, but Clarke could notice that his eyes were hurting as he spoke.

“How did you escape?” Clarke dared to ask, but continued walking. Her hand still lay on her gun, while she deviated her walk from the direction the boy had pointed at. 

“My duty was to die with them, but my superior ordered me to escape.”

“You’re a second,” Clarke affirmed and the boy just nodded. He was just a kid… a freaking kid. Clarke didn’t understand how they could send children into battles.

Clarke frowned at him still in mistrust, then asked, “why did you come back to fight the reapers? Your superior obviously wanted you to survive. Why did you risk your life?”

“You’re sky people. The commander says your people saved ours from the Mountain.” The boy jumped from one branch to the next while saying this and Clarke tilted her head at the boy’s action, until his words sank in.

“Did Le-, the commander say that?” Clarke was obviously confused.

“She says the sky leader saved our people and killed the mountain. Wanheda.” The child mumbled the last word.

“Why do you know this?” Clarke inquired. That information was not something that Clarke thought the commander would share with a little boy.

He hesitated at the question, but finally said, “Sometimes, the commander talks to me.”

“Are you her family?”

“A commander has no family; her duty is to our people.” Clarke raised her brow, “I’m Aden,” he completed expecting from Clarke to say who she was in return, but since she didn’t he asked. 

“Why are you alone in the woods?” They boy was way too talkative to be a grounder, Clarke thought. 

“I haven’t decided yet.”

“Who are you?”

“I am just one of the sky people.” She said obviously avoiding to reveal who she was, and glanced at smoke going up from farther in the woods and relieved of stepping away from him, any longer and it could’ve turned into a dangerous situation, Clarke said to Aden “I believe you complied with your superior’s order. Go home and stay safe, Aden.” She stopped for a second to face him, “earn your living…” she stared straight into his eyes, “you never saw me.”

 

________________________________________

 

The path leading to Aden’s village was now farther to her left, she decided it was safer to put some distance between her and grounders. Even though the village would be left very far behind in a few hours; anxiety filtered in her thoughts now and then, she wasn’t exactly sure why she didn’t kill Aden. He could tell the warriors in his village, and they would catch Clarke even before she noticed they were out looking for her. Grounder or not, warrior or not; Aden was still a child, at least how Clarke could see him. She couldn’t bear to take another child’s life, and there was something Clarke could see in his behavior that made him outstand from other grounders. Perhaps it was because he was alone, but Aden seemed free, still kept a little of his innocence despite of the horrific thing Clarke knew he had experienced.  
The decision was made and even if it was the wrong one, she would have to live or die with whatever consequence that came along. She continued her walk, shoving her thoughts away; the best thing to do was to be alert, in case they actually did come after her. Though, despite of her fears, it never happened.

Now that she was alone, there was no distraction to space her out from her soreness. Clarke’s feet were covered in blisters from walking long distances and her face ached due to the sun exposure. Her resources were almost gone; she had only a couple of meat slices left and she only ate a ridiculous meal once the day before. She had no food and barely could step on her left leg. Her water was running out and she was sure by now the river was too far east to pursuit it with her injury. Stealing some supplies from a village could be a solution but it would be really risky. Clarke continued walking at a low pace. She often leaned on a tree to take weight off her leg. Clarke could feel the wound throbbing and it was now leaking a gross yellow substance; she feared infection and cleaned it frequently. Her blanket was almost gone as she used it repeatedly to change into a clean bandage. She had been walking for over three hours when far from her, she spotted once again smoke on the sky. It was probably a village, and there was no way around it. If she took the path down the cliff, she would be at plain sight and if she went through the woods, she would be too close to it.

Given the condition of her leg, Clarke thought it would be impossible to take the cliff option. She decided to lower her pace and take a cautious approach through the hills next to the village. When Clarke noticed the tents and improvised stands, she realized that it wasn’t a village; it was a warrior camp. Her first thought was to get away as fast as she could, but that would put her in imminent danger. Her anxiety was making her heart pump faster. It was not safe for her to continue, so she decided to stay put. As she was hurt, and after the earlier run she was limping more than before, she couldn’t take the chance for grounders to see her. Clarke lay down on the ground to keep herself out of sight while she scouted the camp waiting for her time to leave. With no resources, waiting and wasting time wasn’t much recommended. She leaned flat on the ground and closed her eyes in frustration, but opened them right back and stared at the camp; that’s when her eyes crashed onto those unmistakable braids.

The commander had stepped in the center of the camp. It looked like she was giving her warriors instructions. Lexa looked imposing as usual; she had her war paint on and wore her amour, along with a serious face, but of course Lexa was always serious; yet Clarke thought there was a little more to it, maybe concern. Clarke shook away the wondering; Lexa was a threat and she shouldn’t care about nothing more. Seeing Lexa brought up in Clarke the guilt of everything she had done. So many killings, and it had been all because of her. She thought that with the alliance it would be over, that their people could live under an arrangement. Lexa wasn’t expecting such thing; she betrayed them without blinking, without care. Lexa had no heart and Clarke must remember that.  
She decided that as risky as it was, she had to; she wouldn’t leave Lexa out of her sight. Clarke looked for a good tree in which she could hide and settled in it. It was close to sundown when Clarke sat to eat her last jar of meat, but spared the water for the next day.

 

________________________________________

 

The night was freezing when Clarke woke up sweating. She took a sip of water and dried her forehead with whatever was left of her blanket, when she heard the sound of branches snapping. The woods were calm and she could hear animal sounds, but definitely no more branches snapping to blame it on an animal. Minutes passed, and no other alerting sound was heard. Had she even really heard that? She might’ve imagined it. Either way, she remained alert the rest of the two hours that the sun took to rise. 

Clarke got out of the tree to see that the camp was already gone. She scouted the zone where the camp had been with her eyes. There was no one and it looked like they had left some stuff behind. Maybe there was food, Clarke thought it was a long shot, but the growling in her stomach kept her hopes up. She limped her way down to the camp since she had hidden on a grove on top of a small hill. The fire was still warm and the tracks were still fresh, she could probably catch up with them if she made the effort to it. She went through the camp looking for something she could eat, only to find a couple of wooden bowls by a tree trunk next to the fire. One bowl had a half eaten meal and just a few sips of water on the other one. It looked like whoever was eating left in a hurry; and since there were other bowls knocked over on the ground that was probably what happened. What would’ve made them leave so fast? Clarke devoured the food and made her mission to follow their tracks as quickly as she could but keeping her distance. She wouldn’t want to be seen, so she remained behind them being careful to not lose the tracks. At some point of the day, she was forced to rush her pace because grounders were riding horses and traveled faster than she did; on the other side, the prints on the ground would last longer thanks to the muddy woods. 

By night time, she had already caught up with them. Clarke had thought about a plan all day and came up with something; it wasn’t flawless, but it was all she got. She spread mud on her face to disguise her whiteness. Leaning on her elbows as flat as she could; Clarke waited for the scouts to go hunting like they had done the night before. The location she chose to settle was thoroughly thought about. The big tent was about a little over 200 feet away, but she could clearly see it and avoid to be seen. It was Lexa’s tent, she was sure; Clarke saw her going in there the night before, after her meal. When Clarke could hear the scouts no more, she took a deep breath and without stopping to let hesitation make her back out, she crawled on the ground in its direction as fast as she could. 

The ground was cold and she felt small sharp stones scratching on her jacket; her eyes fixated on her goal, after she first started crawling, she didn’t bother to look around. Clarke even ignored the warm pain growing on her right elbow when it started bleeding after a sharp stone went through the fabric. Yet, Clarke didn’t stop. She had managed to cover around 50 feet already, it would only take her three times that amount and she would make it. Along with the pain on her elbows, her knee was protesting as well. She was sure the wound had opened again, but her mind shoved away the pain and kept going, only focusing on the tent. Only a few feet father, that’s what it would take, she would there. Some noise probably coming from the scouts made her ears and brain ring in alert. It was strange for them to be loud since grounders used to be really quiet, especially when hunting. The echo of their voices let her know that they were still far, but not for long, so she rushed her crawling. “Just 60 feet more,” she mumbled to herself; the voices were alarming, maybe they had seen her. Her heart started racing at high-speed, the sound of it slightly diminishing the voices coming from the woods; but Clarke didn’t stop nor she looked around. What was happening out there wasn’t going to stop her from getting to Lexa; the tent was there, less than 30 feet away and she would have made it.

It happened when she was at the reach of a hand from the tent. Clarke felt a strong hit on her head; it knocked her so hard that it turned her on the ground facing up. Something heavy fell on her stomach, leaving her out of breadth at least for a second; the hit made Clarke lose sense of space completely and stars appeared drunk on top of her. She blinked repeatedly but it seemed to restart the feeling, only faster. A sharp pain spreading on her left arm forced a loud scream out of her throat. Her lungs were out of air and her body felt heavy; but the pressure on her head didn’t let her process the pain beyond a far-away sensation. ‘This is it,’ she thought, ‘they caught me and they’re probably gonna enjoy killing me,’ she still tried unsuccessfully to focus her eyes and a hurting moan left her lips as she thought of her people, maybe she had just killed them too. Her eyes felt heavy and dizzy. She couldn’t see clearly; and she tried, but she couldn’t keep her eyes open. The ground and sky were blurrily dancing in front of her when she heard the sound of steps banging in her ears closer and closer. The trees were shuffling heavily, as if they were attacking her; maybe they weren’t trees, but grounders already. Clarke’s head still spun dizzily when her eyes met green irises and black war paint, way too green and way too drilling in her sorrows. There were too many pairs of the same green eyes. There were too many green eyes spinning and playing around with her burdens, crashing her chest in pain. Clarke stared at the haunting and dazzling green eyes until she fell unconscious.


	5. Surviving remorse

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, fellows! Here's another one. Have fun and remember to comment what you think of it. I like reading your reactions and opinions. :)

When Clarke opened her eyes, she was lying on some bed-like wooden furniture, her head pounding heavily at the rhythm of her pulse. The bed was comfortable enough and she was grateful to lay her head on a soft surface. Slowly, she started identifying the rest of the room. There was a table with some maps to her left side and another on the right side with some candles on it. They weren’t lit up and the room had a low light which was actually better for Clarke’s head. She tried to remember what had happened but her head hurt too badly. Where was she? Had she been captured by grounders? There was no doubt she was in a grounder’s tent, she had been in them before. Fear filled her chest, but Clarke felt too weak to think of even get up and trying to escape. Could she even do that? The uncertainty of her situation and the soreness of her body wouldn’t let her analyze her options properly, so she started by recognizing herself. Her head hurt terribly and her whole body was sore, but it had been hurting somewhat like that since a couple of days ago; the woods ground wasn’t the best sleeping mattress, plus her wounds hadn’t healed yet; but other than couldn’t feel anything else.

Minute after minute she started to feel more aware of herself at least, she wasn’t tied up, well she didn’t feel tied up; and that was a good sign. Her body felt heavy and glued to the bed. She lifted her right arm with some effort, squeezing her fingers to pump some blood towards them; then tried to lift her left arm, but stopped immediately groaning at the pain. Her head was throbbing harder after the pain experienced, but she still looked down to see her arm wrapped in an improvised sling. It clearly had a blood stain by her forearm. Clarke reached her right arm up and uncovered the wound by her left shoulder. It was small but deep, it wasn’t bleeding much which was good. The shape was a little confusing because it looked like a gunshot wound, but it was slightly wider than a bullet and it had scratches all around it. How did she get hurt? Had the grounders attacked her? Why didn’t they kill her? All of these questions were overwhelming her, Clarke knew she was in danger and could do almost nothing about it. In an attempt to feel some sense of control and power over her own life, she searched for her belt, but her gun was gone. It was surely taken by grounders as well as her dagger. She reached her non-wounded arm to the left side of her belt, and there she found the baton. Probably, grounders didn’t know what it was so they didn’t take it, mistaking it for something harmless. Clarke held the baton tight in her hand with the intention of being prepared when any of them came to hurt her; after some minutes of silence and unanswered questions running through her mind, Clarke became aware of how tired she was and was fighting her exhaustion away, but her body stubbornly prompted her into sleep just moments after. 

Clarke had dived into a long heavy sleep, and her body felt heavier and warmer than earlier. Sweat damped her whole body and glued her to the bed when Clarke felt a wet cloth soaking her forehead. The unpleasant cold startled her awake; and Clarke was still holding the baton in her hand from before, as alarmed as she was by the proximity of a probable threat, she activated the baton onto whoever was leaning on top of her. The electric buzzing of the device filled the room along with someone’s grumbling, and whoever person that was just leaning onto her jumped stepping back from her and the baton’s reach. Clarke tried to focus her eyes, but she was too dizzy to identify who it was. The baton was held high in front of her as Clarke sat up quicker than she could control, with the same impulse she ended up on the floor screaming in pain when landing on her injured arm. Clarke gasped while spitting repeatedly on the floor as the pain overcame her for a few instants. 

Grounder warriors stormed into the tent with swords in hand determined to attack Clarke, but they barely got to take a few steps in the tent before a strong voice powerfully filled the room, “Hop op!” it ordered firmly, “gon we.” Both warriors nodded solemnly, withdrew their swords and left just after giving Clarke a displeased look, who could never notice being as how the pain had zoned her out.

Though, Clarke was sure she heard some faint voices arguing for a second. Incapable of identifying them and having the room spinning around, lifting her head up was a major task; but she managed to, and when she did, there she was. “Lexa!” She groaned spitting more saliva on the floor in consequence of the effort that required standing up. In the frenzy of her anger rising, up she was and filled with adrenaline running through her body, Clarke forgot about anything else. Dizziness and pain gone, she jumped on Lexa stumbling onto the ground with her. Clarke landed on top of her with the baton pressing onto Lexa’s throat; but even with her heart bumping wildly, the adrenaline barely lasted a few seconds before going back to uncontrolled dizziness. Her body almost instantly felt too heavy, and the room was twirling around carelessly. Clarke, unwilling to give up the last of her consciousness, leaned her forehead against Lexa’s. Clarke’s breadth got heavy and speedy while Lexa’s head was spinning and Clarke’s body swung to one side and the other unable to keep it under control. “Your fever is high, Clarke.” She heard a far voice say. Carefully, Lexa reached her hand up and grabbed Clarke’s hand which held the baton putting it down, then she spoke softly but firmly, “it’s ok, Clarke. You’re safe.” It was the last thing Clarke heard before fainting.

 

________________________________________

 

This time the room was lighted up in a soft orange gleam. Clarke’s body felt even heavier than the times before, actually like that one time at the Ark when the gravity field regulator failed and for a couple of hours it was like if everybody was glued to the floor. Her headache wasn’t as terrible as before. She was still dizzy, sweaty and just slightly warm. When she opened her eyes widely, a light stung of pain hit her head but it was soon gone; although the pain growing on her left shoulder remained. Clarke felt the urge to leave, trying to escape seemed like the best chance to survive; but Clarke knew she wasn’t gonna make it, not like this, and staying put would mean risking her life. She tried to pull back the memories of the recent events, so she could think about a plan. What had happened? Was this some kind of grounder torture? She had seen what they did to Murphy once; they got him sick as a weapon to kill her people, and they did. Why was she still alive? Were they doing that to her too? Grounders and sky people didn’t end up in the best terms last time. The reason why they hadn’t killed her was intriguing if not concerning. Well, whatever it was; she was still alive, and she would fight back if she had to. Then a few words showed up in her recall of the past events, “You’re safe,” Clarke remembered. Why would her captor say that? Who was her captor? Her head hurt badly as she tried to remember intensely. There had been swords coming at her; she remembered pushing the baton at someone, and lying on the floor shaking in severe pain. A hard face was spinning in front of her; the eyes were too close, too close and too green. “Lexa,” she breathed out before leaning on the side and throwing up the very little last meal that was in her stomach. 

The after-throwing up mouth taste was sour and her throat was burning. There was nothing else in her stomach to throw up, but the nausea was so strong that it made Clarke start panicking and breathe dramatically fast and heavy, barely letting air fully into her lungs. She was heaving repeatedly and along with the desperation of denied breadth, her nose was burning due to the sourness that found its way out through it. Clarke’s face filled with a shiny red color and her throat was letting out a high-pitched sound in between the heaves when she felt a hand on her back which would just lie there, as if offering a distant embrace. Clarke barely rejected the hand away in the process of trying to stop heaving, though the hand respectfully pulled away immediately. Incapable of letting air through and Clarke was desperate for some; her mind was blank and couldn’t calm down or think, even less care for who was the person who just laid a hand on her. 

After Clarke’s unsuccessful attempts to regulate her breadth, and when her face had gone worryingly red; Clarke’s shaking body was strongly pushed against the bed. This time the touch was a little more forceful, Clarke felt a strong firm hand pressing on her chest. Whose hand it was, Clarke couldn’t tell; and she wasn’t in complete control of herself to actually fight back. While strongly pinned to the bed, her head felt dizzy again. Still and all, Clarke could catch a far voice ordering rather than anything else, “Breathe, Clarke.” 

Clarke’s chest was ungracefully going up and down rapidly, and the hand was still firm on it. The pressure that her chest bared didn’t feel heavy anymore; instead it felt calming and soothing. Clarke’s breadth started to slowly and interruptedly ease down; along with some sobbing that slipped in there, even though Clarke didn’t know why she was sobbing. Anyway there were a lot of things that held an everlasting sorrowful feeling on her; and even though she knew her face probably looked broken down, not a single tear fell from her eyes. The hand remained on her chest for the few minutes that took her breathing to relax and become steady again, eventually she became able to control her breathing again. She also became able to acknowledge more than her own breathing, so Clarke eyes were now fixed on staring green eyes. 

“Drink,” Lexa pressed a canteen to Clarke’s lips but Clarke didn’t open her mouth to drink up, if anything she pressed her lips tighter and tighter together at Lexa’s gaze. Lexa ignored Clarke’s rejection for a good lot of seconds and continued pressing the canteen against Clarke’s lips. She wasn’t wearing her war paint, but her sole presence was powerful and earnest.

“You will drink, Clarke. Or is it your wish to die?” Clarke stared back without answer. Lexa put the canteen down unaltered and took a few steps away from the bed where she sat hidden from the candle light. The silence was deadly. Obviously, the commander was comfortable in it, regardless of its meaning. Nor the commander, nor Clarke had to speak out the meaning of it; resentment, hate, pain, sorrows. Clarke was very much awake and her heart was pounding savagely. Her blood was burning with anger while she could feel Lexa staring, even if the low light hid her eyes from Clarke’s hateful gaze. Clarke’s arm hurt badly as she sat up on the bed. She felt her head urging her to lie back down as the pressure rose on her forehead, but she stood up anyway and stumbled on her first step leaning onto the bed with her right arm. The pain was swallowed in silence, if only, Clarke let a grimace show.

“You will not leave, Clarke,” Lexa affirmed on her spot recognizing Clarke’s intention. 

“Am.. am I you prisoner, commander? Clarke gasped and spoke with a strained voice.

“No, Clarke." Lexa answered then added, "If you leave, you will die.” 

“You care about my death?” Clarke snorted in offended disbelief, “You left me to die a week ago. What’s the difference?” Clarke was sweating; just standing up by the bed took too much energy. Her chest sank in pain owing to the effort of standing up, but once more Clarke struggled to not show it.

Lexa held the silence for a few seconds but then responded, “You didn’t die.” Clarke noticed Lexa standing up and coming into the candle light. Once she was next to Clarke by the bed, Lexa elaborately polite moved the covers of the bed. She offered the spot on the bed to Clarke while being careful not to touch her at any moment. “Lie,” she ordered. Clarke hesitated, her head burned at the thought of following Lexa’s command; but as her legs felt like giving up, she clenched her teeth while climbing in bed with effort. Lexa covered Clarke’s body with the covers, still without touching her; she held the canteen against Clarke’s lips which remained closed.

“You did not die at war, Clarke. You will not die today, not on my bed.” Lexa’s voice was stronger now, “Drink!”

As the water went down Clarke’s throat, she felt the burning calming down. After all the throwing up her mouth was acid and disgusting, so the few sips of water felt great until she found herself throwing up the liquid a couple of minutes later. Clarke watched Lexa leave the room while she was still throwing up the liquid. Clarke lay back down trying to control her nausea when Lexa came back in the tent with some cloths in her hand. She put one of the clothes on the table and then squatted by the bed. Clarke didn’t need to look at her to know what she was doing. Lexa was cleaning all that Clarke had thrown up. Why would Lexa do such thing herself? Any of her warriors would do that for her. Clarke thought that it wasn’t a common commander duty to clean up puke. Lexa disposed the dirty cloths onto a corner of the tent; then opened the cloth that was on the table, put the content in the canteen and mixed it. Clarke barely had a chance to glance at what Lexa put in the canteen; it was a peck of tiny brown seeds.

“No more water” Clarke complained. She was done with throwing up.

“This will help, drink!”

Reluctantly and after Lexa gave her word that it would not harm her, Clarke agreed to drink the content. The taste wasn’t that bad at first, it was sweet though not the enjoyable kind of sweet. After a few sips the smell was so impregnating that Clarke felt like she had it stuck in her nose. Lexa sat back down on the bench away from Clarke’s gaze. The flavor and smell feeling became worse, Clarke’s nausea increased but she couldn’t throw up which made her feel even worse. She felt uneasy, her breadth got heavy and fast; the desperation caused by the nausea made her head dizzy again. She whined and breathed out in complain faster and heavier. Then she felt Lexa’s hand against her chest again, this time the pressure was softer and Lexa remained silent. Somehow Lexa’s hand felt calming and even though Clarke still felt nauseated, it helped her to control her breathing. Lexa pulled her hand away and stared at Clarke’s eyes while she pressed a wet cloth onto Clarke’s forehead wiping her sweat. Clarke closed her eyes at the touch and she felt exhausted, so she couldn't avoid diving into sleep.

Next time Clarke woke up, the tent was just little darker, but the candles gave enough light for her eyes to meet orange brushed shawdows. She tilted her head to where she thought Lexa would be, spotting the shade of her body. “Did you sit on that bench all night?” Clarke interrupted the silence after a few seconds of staring and thinking, her voice sounded softer than she intended.

Lexa’s body was stiff. She gazed at Clarke and nodded without changing her position, Clarke was barely able to notice the movement. Lexa asked with serious voice, “Do you feel better now?”

At the sound of the question, Clarke’s eyes instantly burned with anger. “No!” Clarke blurted out, any trace of softness left her voice, “You don’t get to ask me that.” Clarke’s face turned red within seconds and Clarke’s thundering gaze a spat fire at Lexa. Her breathing got unsteady again, but this time Lexa didn’t move closer to her. Lexa just stared at Clarke without giving a response which infuriated Clarke even more.

“You’re a coward!” Clarke fought the tears away. “I’m not fucking better. I will never be better.”

“You will be. You’re a leader.” Lexa’s voice was annoyingly calmed.

“I AM A MUDERER because of you. I needed your help and you left me to die, to become this.” 

“I couldn’t have chosen differently, Clarke.”

Clarke had been sitting down on the bed while yelling at a motionless Lexa. Lexa’s words left unnoticed. Clarke’s anger reached a high point and she jumped towards Lexa pushing the baton firmly against her chest. Lexa didn’t move, not even leaned back at the baton’s pressure on her chest. The electric charge of the baton, if measured, could leave only a small burn; but at the top of its capacity, and the correct combination of time and body spot, it could be deathly. Clarke stared at Lexa’s fearless eyes; all she had to do was push a button and in ten seconds or less Lexa’s cold blooded heart would stop forever. Push the button, Clarke thought; just push it. Her breathing was puffy and heavy. The air felt heavier and thicker. Clarke decidedly dug the baton deeper in Lexa’s chest while her burning eyes attacked Lexa’s.


	6. Whose guilt?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, people! Here's the next one. I'm sorry for taking long, but adulting is kinda busy! I hope you like it. Please remember to comment and leave kudos, I would very much like to hear from you. Enjoy! :)

Lexa pinned her eyes onto Clarke’s fiercely, she stood up and stepped towards Clarke making her draw back. Her eyes were firm but not attacking; if else, they showed a hint of pain, maybe regret. Her body was stiff, probably because of spending the night sitting down, but as usual she appeared untouchable, threatening. Her voice was strong when she spoke, “Do not blame your sins on one person, Clarke. I couldn’t have saved you from this”. Lexa wrapped the baton with her hand and tossed it on the floor; she held her eyes onto Clarke’s for a few seconds before turning back and walking towards the door with the intention of leaving Clarke. Perhaps for giving her some space, or perhaps to avoid acting up on Clarke’s defiance and insolence.

Clarke was crying unstoppably. “You didn’t even try!” She whined demandingly, “Lexa!?” The commander stood on the spot, “You could’ve saved both of us,” Clarke screamed throwing a candle at her, which rolled on the floor next to the commander, not even getting close to hitting her. Lexa followed the rolling of the candle with her eyes and let out a long frustration sigh, but silent enough so Clarke wouldn’t notice. Her fists were clenched and her head was high when the commander left the tent.

Lexa met Indra and the other warriors who were eating, almost instantly she was offered a plate. Both, the commander and the general ate in silence. Grounders were used to silence and very comfortable in it, but the one held by these women wasn’t of that kind. The general was rather uncomfortable and disagreed with the sky girl’s presence in camp. Indra didn’t approve of Lexa taking her in, but wouldn’t dare to stand against her commander.

“Oso souda bants kom Polis nau, Heda,” Indra affirmed drifting her eyes to her commander, which had been scouting the camp as her habits were almost mechanic.

Indra and the commander had had this conversation earlier, so the general’s attempt was already defying. Lexa looked daggers at Indra who immediately bowed her head in obedience, and the commander spoke with no space for questioning, “Klark ste haken kom feisbona. Oso nou gon we kom nau.”

“Ja, Heda,” Indra nodded accepting the commander’s decision. “Yu mema wor ste kom op.” 

“Nou get yu daun, Indra. Oso laik gona kamp. Oso gada pleni taim.” 

When Lexa came back in the tent, Clarke was curled up on the floor. She wasn’t crying but her mind was absent, her eyes staring at the ceiling. Clarke didn’t acknowledge Lexa or the grounder next to her.

“Sis em au” Lexa commanded the warrior, “fis em op”. 

The grounder lifted Clarke off the floor and laid her on bed, moving her body so it would be comfortable to work on her wounds. He cut a wide piece of fabric off the left knee zone of her pants and then started undoing the sling. The pain brought Clarke back to the moment. “I don’t need your help” she said with her piercing eyes fixed on Lexa. She looked at the man with hate in her eyes and shoved him away. The grounder seemed to don’t care about Clarke’s rejection. He moved one step aside as waiting for authorization.

“He will heal you, Clarke” The grounder heard the statement and intended to continue undoing the sling.

“I said I don’t need your help” Clarke repeated threatening Lexa with her eyes as she shoved the grounder again, who was standing firmer than the first time and was now annoyed at Clarke’s stubbornness.

“You could… You could die, Clarke.” Lexa’s voice was serious and the words seemed too heavy on the way out. When Lexa felt the warrior’s eyes on her, she was threatening again as she spoke, “gon we, Trator”.

“Ja, Heda.” He said and left the tent.

The tent was clear since it was probably late morning. Lexa’s eyes were not hidden as she sat on the bench and stared at Clarke. Clarke looked exhausted. Her body was sticky because of sweat and her hair was wild and tangled. Her clothes were covered in dirt and ripped by her knees and shoulder. Her face, as well, still had some traces of mud on it, even though Lexa had cleaned the mud away a little when she cared for Clarke’s fever. The sling that held Clarke’s arm was half-covered in blood. Her skin was pale; her body cold and shivering now and then.

“You were bitten by a great animal,” Lexa broke the silence. “Its poisonous tooth dug into your arm. My healer gave you a poison inhibitor; but if the wound is infected, the poison will activate again”.

“It’s not infected,” Clarke rejected Lexa’s words.

“You have a fever, Clarke.”

Clarke kept silence giving into Lexa’s words. Clarke’s body started feeling heavy and the shivering increased; she felt cold but her body was burning, so she wrapped her good arm tight to her chest grabbing her neck with her hand. Lexa was right, she did have a fever. Clarke looked at Lexa as she stood up and walked towards the bed. Lexa held a wet cloth in her hand and softly and slowly pressed it on Clarke’s forehead. Her hand didn’t move for a few seconds, as if waiting to be pushed away. But Clarke didn’t push her away, so Lexa gently wiped the dirt from Clarke’s face and neck. Lexa’s was very careful not to touch Clarke’s skin with her fingers, but her thumb slipped off the clothe brushing against Clarke’s cheek. The feeling made Clarke uncomfortable, so Lexa pulled her hand away quickly and flashed her eyes at Clarke’s.

“I’m going to clean your wound, Clarke” Lexa informed after a few seconds of staring into blue eyes. When Lexa finished removing the sling; surprisingly for Lexa, Clarke didn’t complain in pain not even once. Lexa thought that Clarke was trying to prove herself strong, and she tried to be as gentle as possible.

Clarke noticed that Lexa stopped and was just standing there looking at the shoulder wound. Suddenly she thought that maybe her wound was something really serious and got worried, “what’s wrong, Lexa? Clarke shivered intensely, Lexa’s name felt painful coming out of her lips.

“Clarke, I… I must cut your shirt,” Lexa swallowed thick in between her words.

“Oh,” Clarke looked away, “just do it.”

Lexa was very careful when cutting the fabric, so the cut would just reveal the wound and nothing else. When Lexa pressed a new wet cloth onto Clarke’s wound, Clarke cried in pain but Lexa didn’t pull away, instead she tried to be as gentle and quick as she could. When it was done, Lexa applied a disgusting green salve onto it and Clarke breathed out at the smell; then Lexa fixed the sling again. Lexa was applying the same salve on Clarke’s knee when Clarke spoke again, “you didn’t take the baton away,” pointing out the obvious.

“You are not powerless, Clarke.” Lexa finished with her knee and looked at Clarke. “Eat,” Lexa told her and laid a wooden bowl with berries on Clarke’s lap. 

“It was you, wasn’t it?” Clarke put two and two together, “you left the food back at your camp.” Clarke snorted and swung her head side to side, “How did you know I was out there? I was very careful to not be seen by your people.”

“You’re no hunter, Clarke from the sky people. My warriors were ordered to not acknowledge your presence.”

 

________________________________________

 

Lexa had been gone for over three hours, and most of the time Clarke had been asleep, but she had just woken up. Clarke thought that the disgusting salve must have had some anesthetic property because ever since Lexa put it on her, she had felt very relaxed. After Lexa was gone, it had been just peaceful breathing all the time. She felt as if she was floating. Just now she was starting to claim back some control of her mind, but her body still felt too relaxed for her to move it properly, so she laid there staring at the tent ceiling. Some good minutes had passed when she heard soft steps coming in the tent; Lexa was usually very agile and her steps were soundless, it was very odd that she let herself be heard. Seconds after, a big male figure revealed himself in front of her eyes. Clarke thought he looked threatening, but she couldn’t speak a word. He was heavy and muscular; his arms were covered in hair and he had a thick beard and long wild black hair.

“Skai… Heda.” The grounder said in scorn as he pressed a finger on Clarke’s shoulder wound and watched her cry in pain. 

“You burned my wife alive!” 

“Stop!” Clarke cried incapable of moving, the pain was taking over all her senses. 

The grounder had now climbed on top of her and pressed harder on Clarke’s wound; and the blood stain had grown wider. “The commander thinks sky people are worthy, but I’ll never pay respect to you. You took my wife and I’m going to teach you why a wife is important.” Clarke’s tears rolled down her cheeks as the grounder ripped her shirt open completely, “don’t do this.”

His hands were on her pants and pulled her belt aggressively. Clarke started crying louder. There were pain and desperation in her eyes; there was also rage in her tears. She managed to lift her hand to push him away but she had no strength for it. He slapped her hand away with roughness; then stroked her face with a whip making her right cheek bleed. His knife was on Clarke’s skin; he brushed the sharp edge along her hips and bluntly ripped the sides of her pants. Clarke was sobbing but her eyes showed piercing anger and hate. “The great Wanheda,” he mocked, “powerless…”

“Clarke is not powerless,” Lexa held her sword against the grounder’s throat. 

Clarke looked at Lexa. She looked fierce and her hand might hold the sword without killing the man, but if her eyes had the ability, they would kill him on the spot. 

“Indra” Lexa shouted. The warrior was standing next to her. “Tie him up to the pole and wait for my command.” The woman warrior pulled out her sword and pushed Clarke’s attacker out of the tent. 

Lexa grabbed the bench, placed it next to bed and sat in silence. She heard Clarke’s sobs calming down while looking at her with apologetic eyes. Lexa knew she must have been there, leaving the tent without trustworthy warriors to watch it had been foolish of her, and Clarke almost got hurt. The action of the attacker would be acknowledged and punished; no one would dare to defy her orders. When her eyes met Clarke’s, she spoke, “I don’t take pride on killing my people, but there’s a price to this, Clarke”. 

There were still some tears running down Clarke’s face in silence. “I need to fix my clothes,” was all she said. Lexa nodded to the request, she stood up and walked towards one of the tables as if looking for something. She came back with a pair of strings and a piece of clothing that looked like a top. Lexa looked at Clarke asking for permission when the blond put no objection, she took out her knife and ripped two small pairs of holes onto both sides of Clarke’s pants. She tied the strings around it making the pants hold onto Clarke’s figure again; then she gave Clarke the top and turned around to give her privacy. Clarke sat up with difficulty and tossed the shredded pieces of what used to be her t-shirt; she glanced at her shoulder and spoke, “hmm Lexa? I can’t move my shoulder. Would you put my shirt on?” 

Lexa was stiff on the spot and didn’t move at Clarke’s voice; Clarke wondered if Lexa had heard her, “Lexa?” Lexa turned around keeping her head high making an effort to not look below Clarke’s eyes. She grabbed the top and gently pulled it down Clarke’s head. The top had only a right shoulder support which made it easy to adjust since the sling was on Clarke’s left shoulder. Lexa managed to do it without having to look down and being careful with her hands movements; to finish, she helped Clarke’s sling over the top and tightened the laces on the back of the top. When Lexa looked down, she swallowed hard at the view. Her black top fit so well on Clarke, it adjusted perfectly to the curves of her body. Lexa forced herself to look away from her to show respect; Clarke had just been attacked by one of her warriors. She wouldn’t disrespect her too. 

Night was falling when the commander stood in front of her warriors with Clarke on her left, “Clarke of the sky people entered this camp under my protection. My orders were clear, but one of you disobeyed me. He disobeyed and attacked her.” Clarke laid her eyes on the grounder that attacked her; he was now tied on a pole in the middle of the warrior’s circle. Clarke heard Lexa continue; her voice was strong, furious but yet controlled when she spoke directly to the tied man, “Arios, you intended violation. You will meet punishment.”

The grounders eyes looked angry. “We owe her and her people nothing. She burned my wife. I have no remorse.” He spitted out. 

Clarke’s stomach shrank in guilt and anger. Her blood was burning as she stared at the grounder when she heard Lexa say defying, “we owe her the life of our people in the mountain. We owe her the freedom of the mountain men.” How could Lexa express herself like that after abandoning her at the mountain? If they owed her that it was out of betrayal. Lexa left them to die, only that they didn’t die. Clarke’s anger rose up and fought her best to not snap at the commander and jump at her. 

Lexa dug the knife onto Arios chest opening a long bleeding vertical wound, the warrior breathed out heavily but didn’t complain in pain. “That’s for me,” Clarke heard Lexa say but barely noticed the soft whispers between the warriors when she interrupted.

“This is my kill,” Clarke’s voice, though weak because of her state, was firm enough.

Clarke took a step forward as the commander turned around and she courageously demanded the sword. Lexa looked surprised at Clarke’s decision and offered, “I can take care of this, Clarke.”

“You can, Lexa. But I will.” Clarke took the sword off Lexa’s hand. She stepped closer to the grounder and without a second thought; Clarke aggressively pressed the weapon in his chest. The warrior’s lost eyes looked back at Clarke while she drew the sword out; he was choking in his own blood. Clarke turned back and returned the red dripping sword to the commander, then walked past her towards the tent. 

Lexa ordered the disposal of the body and looked at Clarke walking away, surprised by Clarke’s outcome. This Clarke did not hesitate on killing, what had she become? Lexa hid the concern in her eyes. She was built to kill; death couldn’t affect a commander, but she knew it wasn’t the same for Clarke. Clarke wouldn’t kill with such familiarity. At least not the Clarke she had known before.

 

________________________________________

 

Clarke lay on bed when she heard voices outside and instinctively held the baton in her hand. The pain was back since the effect of the salve had passed, but she wouldn’t be helpless if anyone tried to attack her again. It was Lexa’s voice commanding and a second voice which she thought sounded like Indra, and it sounded annoyed and requesting. Of course, they were talking in grounder language, so Clarke didn’t understand the conversation; seconds after Lexa walked in the tent.

The presence of the commander caught Clarke’s immediate attention, expecting for the words Lexa was about to let out, “The events of tonight shouldn’t have happened, Clarke.” Lexa said softly and Clarke thought this might be the closest thing to an apology that the commander could express. Clarke was furious at Lexa for many things; but the one thing Lexa was apologizing for wasn’t her fault. Clarke didn’t respond and just kept staring with deadly eyes. Lexa approached the bed and; in her hands, there was a bowl with more of the same salve from earlier. “You said I’m not powerless, but that left me helpless when he attacked me.” Clarke complained when Lexa started removing the sling.

“This will heal you; and I will protect you, Clarke.”

“Will you, Lexa?” Clarke questioned her. 

“Right now, you are under my protection, Clarke. I will keep you safe,” Lexa lifted her eyes and laid them on Clarke’s, “I promise”.

When Lexa finished cleaning Clarke’s wounds and putting some fresh salve on them, she sat down back on the bench and let the silence sink in. It was already dark, so Lexa lit up some of the candles that were on the table next to her and the room gleamed softly in orange light. Lexa looked at Clarke softly. The sky girl looked beaten up and tired. Her eyes weren’t threatening like they had been when she killed Arios; now they were just sad and carrying heavy weight. Her skin was still a little pale, but she seemed to be significantly better than the night before. Lexa knew that Clarke was staring back and since the bench was now closer to the bed, her gaze wasn’t hidden from Clarke’s eyes. Lexa did her best to stay firm in front of Clarke in the presence of others; but there was something about this sky girl that was intimidating and addictive. “Are you hungry, Clarke?” Lexa asked realizing that the girl had only eaten the berries from the morning, but she wasn’t surprised when Clarke answered with a simple “no.”

The salve made Clarke feel very relaxed again, at least this time Lexa was there, though Clarke was sure that she couldn’t completely trust Lexa; there was a reason why she had come all this way, but she didn’t know if she could go through with it anymore, or if she even wanted to anymore. Clarke shook her head to keep undesirable thoughts away. Right now, staying by Lexa’s side seemed to be the smartest thing; she had to heal enough to pull it off. Lexa sat on the bench and wore her war armor; she looked big and imposing. There wasn’t any war paint on her face, so her skin looked golden under the orange gleam. Clarke’s head felt heavy and sleepy, if there was a good thing about the salve effect is that it kept Clarke from thinking; lately, her thoughts were very dark, so it was a good rest. Resting is all that Clarke wanted right now; the bed felt so comfortable and soft. Clarke blinked in exhaustion, the commander disappeared and appeared in front of her eyes several times; and then Clarke noticed Lexa’s stiff position; her back was firm and held straight, and she entwined her hands on her lap. “Are you going to spend the night on the bench again?” Clarke dragged her words.

“A commander knows to take the rest given. Exhaustion is for the weaker minds.”

“Everybody gets tired, Lexa.” It was probably thanks to the salve effect but at the moment Clarke’s rejection for Lexa was weak enough to say, “You may sleep on the other side of the bed.” Clark felt weird to be in Lexa’s bed and giving her permission to use it.

“I will not share bed with you if you wish me not to, Clarke.” 

Clarke undid the covers on the other side of the bed inviting Lexa and rolled over, “It’s only sleeping, Lexa. Get in,” Seconds later she felt Lexa climbing in the bed.

A soft, low and far away voice ran in Clarke's ears, “Clarke! Clarke!” It was getting neater, “wake up.” The sky girl rose gasping for air. Her lungs were burning as the air was being blocked out of her system. Lexa was holding Clarke’s face on her hands. Clarke’s tears streamed down her face, she was panicking incapable of controlling her breathing. Clarke’s head hurt as if someone was drilling into her skull; and again she was drowning in blood gasping for air and coughing.

“Don’t touch me,” Clarke managed to say in between gasps. Lexa nodded, pulled her hands away and just sat up next to Clarke. The tent was dark; it was probably midnight and there was just a hint of moonlight brushing the shadows in the tent. Clarke’s breathing took some long minutes to settle, but it had come to just sobbing now. 

“I hate you, Lexa.” Clarke’s voice was deep and broken.

Lexa kept silence for a long while and tried to put together the words before answering, she only managed to say, “I know, Clarke.” She held the silence again because no excuse would be enough to say to Clarke. 

Clarke’s pain weighted so much on her chest that she finally laid back down. Her tears didn’t stop running and her lips trembled a little when she softly let out, “why did you make me hate you?”

“I couldn’t have chosen differently, Clarke.” Lexa’s voice was just flat. Lexa was good at keeping it calm. She knew better than to break down. Lexa focused on Clarke’s breathing hoping the sobbing would stop soon. She heard Clarke calm down slowly and then she finally fell asleep. How many times had Lexa thought about what would have happened if she had chosen to stay? What would have happened if she had held the alliance with sky people? What would have happened if she hadn’t turned her back on Clarke? Those were questions that Lexa would never get an answer to. She couldn’t have made those choices. The choice she had made at the mountain did weight on her, but that didn’t mean she wouldn’t choose it again. Her people would always come first; no matter if the choice she had to make for them was wrong or right. Lexa did what she had to, not what she wanted to. With those thoughts on her mind, Lexa fell asleep while staring at Clarke’s sleeping tear-wet face, and just for half a second she wondered if Clarke would ever understand, if she would ever not hate her for what she’d done and for whatever she would have to do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “Oso souda bants kom Polis nau, Heda" - We must leave for Polis now.  
> “Klark ste haken kom feisbona. Oso nou gon we kom nau" - Clarke is sick by poisoning. We don’t leave yet.  
> “Ja, heda,” - Yes, Commander.  
> “Yu mema wor ste kom op.” - Remember war is coming.”  
> “Nou get yu daun, Indra. Oso laik gona kamp. Oso gada pleni taim.” - Don’t worry, Indra. We are warriors. We have enough time.  
> “Sis em au” - Help her.  
> “fis em op” - Heal her.


	7. (Don't) Come closer

After eating the generous meal that Lexa had brought for her, Clarke fell back asleep. It had been of mutual agreement not putting the salve on Clarke’s wound until night time. When Clarke woke up, she was feeling so much better. Her arm still hurt a lot, but her knee had already healed almost completely; so she decided to go out. Some sunlight would be good for her. 

As soon as Clarke stepped out of the tent a muscular warrior cut her pace, “The sky leader won’t leave the tent, the Commander’s order.” So much for not being a prisoner, Clarke thought.

“Let her pass,” Lexa’s voice interrupted. “I see that you’re healing,” she was now talking to Clarke.

Clarke glanced at Indra who was standing next to the commander and back at Lexa. “I am, and staying in the tent won’t help”.

With the response, Lexa nodded at Indra while saying “prepare our leave.” Indra glanced at Clarke in an attempt of finding information in her eyes. The other time they had been close enough to speak to each other, Clarke had been the subject of assault or had just killed the assaulter. There was a question in Indra’s eyes that she didn’t dare to let out, so she moved on. Knowing that she was doing it for her friend, she stopped her, “Indra!” The warrior stood still but didn’t turn around. “She’s okay,” Clarke said and watched Indra nod before walking away.

Having Indra and Clarke’s awkward exchanged finished, Lexa almost ordered at Clarke, “You will join me for dinner then”. 

Clarke and Lexa sat on some wood chunks close to the fire but distanced from the warriors, and those who were closer than necessary knew to move along leaving enough personal space to converse in private. They ate in silence for the most part. Clarke had learned that silence wasn’t a problem for grounders. They shared a mysterious way of communication through glances; and it was acknowledged as a virtue if anything. 

“What did you seek in the woods, Clarke?” Lexa inquired.

“What do you seek in the woods? Clarke counteracted considering she was there to kill Lexa on the first place.

“The woods are not safe”.

“I survived. I am with the commander and her army now, aren’t I?” Clarke mocked.

“That might still not be safe, Clarke.” Clarke wondered why being along with the commander of the twelve clans might not be safe, but chose not to ask and they both sank into silence again.

“Lexa?” Clarke filled the silence again. Lexa just turned her head towards Clarke in sign of paying attention.

“The grounder… your warrior back in the tent…” Lexa stirred up uncomfortable but Clarke continued, “he called me Wanheda.” Clarke recalled Aden mumbling that word as well which made her more curious, but patiently waited for Lexa’s response, after a few seconds she sensed it wasn’t coming so she added, “what did he mean?”

“You would prefer not to know.” Lexa trailed off. 

“I want to know”.

Lexa sighed, “It’s a trigedasleng word. It was given to you after the mountain fell.” Clarke didn’t like where it was going but she stared at Lexa so she knew that she was listening, “Heda is for commander, and Wan is for death. You are the commander of death”.

Clarke took a few minutes to process the terrible title she had earned, “Did you name me like this?” Lexa negated with her head.

“Your people like to celebrate death” Clarke sounded irritated. How could grounders celebrate the sacrifice of so many innocent people? Clarke took their lives because she had to, she didn’t want that. She felt like the most disgusting broken piece of human being but no one saw her like that. Her people were too grateful for being alive, and grounders made a figure of her. Clarke’s head started feeling dizzy again and she felt her body heat rising. 

“Death is earned, Clarke” Lexa noticed Clarke getting unsettled at the revelation; so she intervened, “Do you see that warrior with the scar on her face?” Clarke and Lexa stared at a group of warriors that were eating their meal in camaraderie. There was a woman with a long scar across her face. She looked strong and was probably taller than most women even grounder women. Her skin was dark and her face shapes were thick.

Clarke looked back at Lexa when she heard her say, “Her name is Temis. Her brother was turned into a reaper. He attacked her and caused the scar on her face; she killed him.” Clarke’s eyes opened widely, but Lexa continued, “The warrior on her right is Soyer. His daughter got caught by the mountain men on her first mission as a second. She was released that night, and she met her father again”. Lexa held the silence for a while and watched as Clarke stared at the warriors and continued when she thought it was correct to interrupt, “we do not celebrate death, Clarke. We celebrate the things we would do to stay alive.”

“I didn’t want to kill to stay alive”.

“I know. You had to and you did. You are a leader, Clarke”.

“I wouldn’t have had to kill if you had stayed” Clarke reproached at her in a flat tone.

“I couldn’t have chosen differently.” Lexa calmly defended herself, “Would you have chosen differently? If the mountain men offered to lay off your people safely, would you have chosen to risk your people’s lives over my people?”

Clarke swallowed hard at the question. She was so mad at Lexa’s betrayal that she never thought beyond her actions. Clarke never considered her reasons, and she didn’t know if she could answer that question without siding with Lexa, but she didn’t have to because Lexa spoke again, “Clarke, I am a leader. You are a leader, too. We make the choices we must.”

After that, both finished their meals in silence and sat by the fire for a while more. Lexa watched Clarke as she looked around the camp. She wondered the reason why Clarke had been wandering in the woods; she was sure she wouldn’t be out there without a good reason. It was good they agreed for Clarke to stay along, so it wouldn’t have to be an order. Despite of Lexa’s concern; she was relieved that Clarke was under her protection now since she almost died two nights ago. The sky girl was looking better; she had gained some strength and her knee and shoulder were healing well. Lexa stared at Clarke’s face; her gaze still looked sad but just looking at Clarke being alive was pleasant.

The night had fallen a while ago when Lexa rose up from her seat. “I’ll escort you back to the tent, Clarke” The sky girl didn’t comment and just followed. Lexa stopped and the tent entrance waiting for Clarke to get in.

Clarke gazed a Lexa hesitantly, “won’t you stay?”

“I will be back” Clarke swallowed thick staring into Lexa’s eyes. Clarke did not like being in the tent alone at night.

“I still have to care your wounds. I’ll be back” Clarke conceded with a nod.

 

________________________________________

 

“Clarke, wake up.” Lexa’s voice was soft and Clarke felt so careless. She was in a cloud, the bed was so comfortable. She opened her eyes to the darkness, the stars were above her. It was probably really early in the morning. “We have to move,” Lexa added. 

Clarke didn’t complain when Lexa helped her up. Her body felt so loosen up that she barely could help Lexa supporting her own weight. “Clarke focus for a moment,” Clarke heard Lexa’s voice far away but did her best to listen, “I cared your wound late last night when you were asleep. The effect is still in your system. You will ride with me, so you can rest on my back, ok?”

Clarke giggled just a little and blinked repeatedly, “Yes, Lexa.” Lexa stared at Clarke and realized she might’ve used way too many salve this time. 

The knocking of the horse’s legs against the ground was in rhythm with Clarke’s breathing by Lexa’s neck. For Lexa it was very distracting to have Clarke this close. Clarke sat behind Lexa on the horse; most of Clarke’s body weight was leaning on Lexa’s back. Lexa tried her best to not think about Clarke’s boobs brushing against her back; it was easier when the road was straight and not bumpy. Lexa was sure that Clarke was drooling on her shoulder but she didn’t mind. Also, Lexa’s hand was sweaty since she had been holding Clarke’s all morning because they sky girl still had the sling and she couldn’t hold herself properly; anyway, she was completely out, so Lexa held her hand tight wrapping Clarke’s arm around herself to keep her in place. Lexa knew that she cared for Clarke more than she should, but that wasn’t important, she would suppress those feelings for Clarke. Being the commander meant being alone. Besides Clarke hated her, she made sure of that; nothing would happen between them. Lexa thought it was better that way. She preferred that Clarke hated her, she preferred her away. Otherwise, she could end up like Costia. War had risen again; and danger always pursuit the commander.

“I could have ridden by myself” Clarke said softly after yawning herself awake.

“You weren’t able to do so, besides there aren’t enough horses. It was to ride with me or to ride with Indra.”

“I’m okay here” Clarke quickly answered. She never had a good understanding with any of the grounders under Lexa’s command; but particularly Indra was a very threatening warrior. Their encounters hadn’t ended terribly for Clarke because she had always been under Lexa’s protection, or out of respect for Octavia.

“You shall eat. The warriors ate before leaving, so we won’t stop” Lexa shouted a couple of trigedasleng words to one the warriors on foot. The warrior nodded and disappeared to the back of the march, he came back with some pieces of dry meat in a bowl and a leather canteen.

After Clarke had eaten and drunk enough, the heaviness of her body came back. She tried to stay awake but her head was bouncing up and down, and her eyes felt heavy and tired. Clarke heard Lexa, “You may sleep on my back”.

Lexa noticed that Clarke was hesitant, so she added, “you did all morning anyway, Clarke” Even though Clarke wanted to stay awake, the tiresome was stronger than her. Clarke laid her head on Lexa’s shoulder and closed her eyes again. The last thing Clarke heard was a long sigh Lexa let out when she wrapped her good arm around Lexa’s waist holding onto her.

It took a while for Lexa to loosen the stiffness of her back after Clarke wrapped her tight. Lexa was aware that Clarke’s behavior was due to the salve, but it felt good to have Clarke so close without Clarke’s despite for her rising on every opportunity. 

“Indra,” Lexa spoke.

“Ja, Heda.?”

“Today set camp for the night. Polis awaits tomorrow.”

Indra looked at the commander in surprise and disagreement, but didn’t dare to defy the commander’s order and just nodded.

The warriors’ march that Lexa had gathered wasn’t as numerous as she had expected. Lexa looked around; there were around 150 warriors with her now. They joined her from the closest villages. She would still wait for the other marches from farther away; they should arrive to Polis in three and five days respectively. Most of her people were eager and willing to battle for the commander; there were even some younger seconds than she would like. Lexa remembered how difficult it was when she was a younger warrior training for the conclave. The first time she went out as Anya’s second, it was to help out a tree clan village that had been attacked by the dessert clan. By that time, there was no coalition. There was no respect between clans; and food wasn’t well distributed. He was just a kid, just like her. He attacked her over a basket of food. He looked hungry. He was thin and very slim. He was hungry and she slit his throat because of it. Lexa would never forget that first kill and it will always remind her why the coalition must stand. They are all her people, everyone as an equal. The coalition must survive and those who threaten it will kneel before her one way or the other.

“Hey” Lexa heard Clarke’s heavy voice, “hmmm, sorry, I think I drooled on your armor.”

“You did all morning anyway, Clarke”.

“Oh” Clarke was feeling so much better now. Her knee barely hurt and her shoulder was healing quickly; but she felt weird because whenever she had some fresh salve on the wounds, she would have little control of herself. Just now, she woke up to herself brushing her nose on Lexa’s neck. It had been something imperceptible and she hoped Lexa didn’t notice; though they were to close and Lexa had gotten very stiff.   
Clarke coughed lightly and asked, “Lexa? Where are we going?”

“To Polis”.

“I don’t think people will receive me nicely there. My people have killed too many of your people”.

“You saved many as well”.

“Lexa?” Clarke was hesitant, “I killed two of your people in the woods.”

“Were you attacked?” Clarke felt Lexa’s back harden.

“They were determined to kill me because I am from the sky people.”

“What did they look like, Clarke?”

“Gray clothes, bone masks and white paint”.

“Did you use your gun?”

“Yes” Lexa kept silence for five seconds before answering.

“My order is not to attack sky people. We have no war with you. They disobeyed my order. They earned their death.”

 

________________________________________

The horse ride went by in silence. Clarke felt better even better when the effect of salve started to fade. She noticed that the path was very well marked on this part of the woods; they were probably getting closer to Polis. There weren’t as many animal sounds as she had heard the nights that she had spent alone, maybe the city activity shooed them away. Besides, the echo of the warriors’ steps was probably loud enough to keep any animal away. The steps were rhythmic as if they had trained to not overlap them. Clarke looked at the warriors who seemed fierce, ready and spirited; even though they had been walking restless all day. Some of the grounders were walking deeper in the woods. Clarke thought that they were probably hunting; though with all the noise the march made, it seemed like a difficult task. Her eyes were darting on the woods checking on the grounders unproductive efforts so far, when they got caught onto a big grounder she thought was familiar, but couldn’t place him in her mind. He didn’t seem to be haunting or care about the animals in the woods. For a moment she thought the grounder stared directly at her while aiming his bow, she blinked twice and there was another grounder next to that one. The new grounder seemed like he was threatening the familiar one, as if he had been caught doing something forbidden. They are just haunting, it is not your problem to care; Clarke shook her head and turned her eyes away. 

Even though Clarke had slept most of the ride, she still felt tired and her ass bone was hurting. There was still a sting of dizziness from the salve effect and Clarke let it sink in since the horse ride wasn’t really something pleasant. Clarke leaned a little closer to Lexa to rest her poor bum a little, that’s when she felt Lexa stiffen. 

“I’m not used to ride horses. My butt hurts” Clarke justified herself.

“We’ll be riding just a couple more hours” Lexa gave in response. 

“I’ll be flat by then”.

“I don’t believe it possible, Clarke”.

“Did you just say that my butt is big?”

“I wouldn’t say such thing”.

“You just did, Lexa!”

“Clarke if you weren’t using the salve for healing, we wouldn’t be talking about your butt”.

“Definitely. You’re right. I think you prefer having me drugged”.

“Drugged?”

“Yeah, like making me way too relaxed to express my anger at you and give you the attitude you deserve” Clarke giggled.

“Oh… I admit it is good not to have you electrifying me” Lexa said very softly just so it was for Clarke’s ears. That wasn’t something that it would be good for the grounders to find out. 

“Ugh! I just hate how the effect comes in waves” Clarke said ignoring Lexa and blinking heavily. “I’ll get better soon and you won’t drug me anymore.” She finished saying as she wrapped her arm around Lexa and laid her head on Lexa’s shoulder; just that this time Clarke remained awake and ignored Lexa stiff back as well. 

An hour had past and Lexa relaxed a little. Clarke didn’t feel as heavy as before; in fact, right now, she felt good enough but the position she was on was so comfortable that she didn’t move. She just stared continuously at Lexa’s neck, watching her swallow every other second. Clarke noticed that despite Lexa’s rough exterior and strength, her skin looked really soft and neat. Lexa didn’t smell bad at all either. Clarke tried hard to sense Lexa’s scent without being obvious. She smelled like the woods. It was sweet and soft, like flowers after it rains. Clarke remembered the first time it rained after she landed on earth. It was so overwhelming, everybody just got soaked with the experience; when it stopped, Clarke fell in love with the smell coming off the ground. It was natural. It was strong, powerful. Just like Lexa. When the dropship landed, the odds were against them, no food, no medicine, no communication; then the rain came, it was the first she loved about earth.

Clarke was lost, so relaxed into Lexa’s scent when she realized, what did she smell like? Clarke’s eyes opened widely. She hadn’t taken a bath in almost a week. She suddenly felt dirty and sticky and she was sure there was sweat, blood, mud, even salve stuck onto her skin. Plus, she had been wearing the same clothes all these days. Clarke felt a little self conscious, not for Lexa but herself. She didn’t feel comfortable being dirty and smelly, so she pulled away from Lexa quietly. 

“How are you doing, Clarke? She heard Lexa question her.

“Hmm, yeah, uh fine” Lexa looked at Clarke over her shoulder. “Hmm, Lexa? I need to bath”.

“You smelled it too” Lexa commented seriously. 

“I still have the baton, Lexa. You better not comment”

Lexa nodded and said, “We’ll be in Polis tomorrow. You’ll bath there”.

 

________________________________________

 

Before the sunset, the camp was already up. Clarke let Lexa clean her wounds. Her knee only had a long rusty scab already. Her shoulder was still healing and   
the wound got smaller, but it would take a couple more of days. Lexa conceded not to put more salve on Clarke’s wound for the day which made Clarke grateful of being able to keep control over herself. She walked around the camp for about half hour, just trying to get feeling back on her butt. Lexa was discussing with Indra and some other warriors; but every time Clarke lifted her eyes towards her, the commander was staring at her. Clarke continued walking, she didn’t disturb anyone and no one disturbed her either, not like grounders were chatty or fond of her. There were warriors preparing food and some others making weapons or fixing them; there were spears, arrows and knifes. Most of them looked rusty, old and put up to a lot of use. Lexa was still staring but she was alone, and Clarke decided to approach her and stood by her side.

“Indra seems pissed off” Clarke said glaring at the warrior on the other side of the fire. 

“She is” Lexa affirmed.

“Is it about me being here?”

“It’s related”

They both let uncomfortable silence sink in between them for a few minutes until Clarke finally sighed irritated and said, “You tell your people you owe my people the lives of those in the mountain”. 

“It is the truth, Clarke”.

“I don’t get you, Lexa. You abandoned us like a coward. It is irritating and mocking the way you praise what I did in the mountain”.

“It was an action that deserves praising”.

“Save your words. You have no idea what it meant doing that. When you talk like that, as if I am the Wanheda you named me, I just want to hurt you, make you suffer the way I do”.

Lexa turned her face to Clarke and locked eyes with her, “I do suffer, Clarke”.

“For your people, and I’m not your people” Clarke’s voice had heated up, though she tried to keep quiet so it was a conversation just for her and Lexa. 

“You’re not” Lexa agreed with her.

Clarke managed to soften her voice. She was no longer talking with rage and resentment, just her feelings out. “The other night, at that very moment, the only reason I didn’t use the baton on you was because of the retaliation there would be on my people”.

Lexa kept silent and stared back at the fire, “And now? Is it still the only reason why you wouldn’t?” When Lexa got no answer, she stepped in front of Clarke. Her face looked strong and unaltered, “My decision was taken in favor of my people’s well-being. I am aware that my decision was taken with sacrifices. I understand those sacrifices and I accept them” Lexa glared at Clarke a little longer and then stepped away but stopped in her tracks 3 inches away as she whispered only for Clarke to hear.

“Clarke?” Lexa’s voice was soft and doubtful, “I did what I had to do, not what I wanted to do” With that, Lexa walked away gracefully. 

Clarke watched Lexa go and just stood there for a while, unable to put a complete thought together. She felt empty sometimes and full of anger other times. Lexa was the main cause of that anger and Clarke hated how she had so many mixed feelings about the commander. How could she let herself? She wouldn’t. Lexa was the woman who sent the grounders to kill her friends just because they landed in her territory. She was the one who made Clarke kill Finn. She was going to kill Raven. She convinced Clarke to leave TondDC burn. She ordered to kill Octavia. She abandoned Clarke at the mountain. Her hate for all the things that Lexa had done was the only thing, regarding Lexa, which Clarke was sure of. Clarke decided to lie in the tent for a while. 

The smell of smoked meat was caught by Clarke’s nose while she lay on the bed staring blankly at the tent ceiling. The quietness in the tent was so nice that Clarke just spaced out, but as the smell grew in intensity, she remembered she hadn’t eaten since the morning. Apparently her stomach remembered that too since it growled loudly. Clarke sighed and got up. She left the tent and caught sight of Lexa by the fire. She was eating and sitting on a wood chunk alone, as usual her warriors kept a respectful distance. Clarke walked towards Lexa and sat next to her without saying a word. Lexa undisturbed put her bowl down and angled her body so her back was facing Clarke, when she turned around again she put a bowl full of food in front of her. Lexa grabbed her own bowl and keep eating. Clarke didn’t have to ask and just grabbed the bowl of food and ate beside the commander. It wasn’t the greatest meal ever, but when Clarke put the first piece of meat in her mouth it felt like glory. She had forgotten how good it was to eat a plate of warm food. She even groaned in delight which caught Lexa’s attention, “hungry?”

“Hmm yeah, well, it’s nice to have a warm meal” Lexa nodded in response and they fell back into silence. Clarke occupied herself on eating and distracting her eyes with the grounder’s activities. She saw a few small groups of people walking in the woods. Probably the warriors sent out to hunt. They were pretty far away from camp but with an effort she could spot them. Most of the warriors in camp were eating, but some others were working on the weapons. Every now and then a few would return with another prey to throw in the fire. 

Her meal was almost gone and the sun had almost completely died and there was barely a low light illuminating the woods, when a party of four grounders came running towards her. Their swords were out and ready to attack her, but before they reached close enough to even try to hurt her, Lexa jumped in front of her. The commander’s sword was pointing at the four grounders and Lexa’s eyes were burning in anger. “Did you not listen when I said that Clarke from the sky people is under my protection?!!?” Lexa’s voice was the only sound as everyone stopped to watch the encounter, “Say the reason of the disrespectful act or pay with your life”.  
Clarke was now standing next to Lexa, she wouldn’t let it show but sure she was scared as hell. Grounders are not usually reasonable, but if Lexa’s order was not to attack sky people, why were the attacking her? That’s when the grounder in front of the party opened his fist and threw the caskets of bullets against Clarke’s body.  
Lexa placed her sword against his chest, “speak now”.

“He’s mute, commander,” the woman next to him intervened, but Lexa remained looking at him. 

“Then speak for him!” She ordered. 

“The warriors from one of the villages were all killed by guns, all of them,” She spoke with despise in her voice. 

Clarke knew her people couldn’t have done that, but grounders weren’t going to believe it.

“Do you speak the truth?” Lexa yelled.

“Yes, commander”. 

Clarke’s eyes looked around all the grounders staring at her and stopped on top of one of the groups that seemed to be getting closer to the camp not knowing what was happening. Clarke saw his familiar face, there were two men and one of them carried a bow. He was the same grounder she saw in the woods with the bow   
aiming at her earlier today, 

“CLARKE!” Lexa was facing her but her sword was down. “Did you lead you people to kill mine?”

Clarke probably shouldn’t, but she was distracted, “No, Lexa”. Clarke thought she had dreamed that bow warrior before, she hadn’t identified him then but now without the salve effect in her system it was easier.

“Look at me when I’m speaking to you!!” Lexa was angry.

“Did you see my people kill yours?” She took a step forward still paying attention to the bow warrior in the woods. “Bullets prove nothing; I won’t answer for what my people haven’t done”. She raised her voice. The bow warrior was the healer that Lexa brought to care Clarke’s wounds the first time. He was holding his bow high, but he wasn’t aiming at a prey, he wasn’t aiming at Clarke either as she had thought earlier.

“Your people own guns, we don’t” The spokeswoman of warrior party shouted.

“It doesn’t mean our bullets killed them,” Clarke held her gaze on the woman’s but her eyes drifted to the bow warrior when he released the arrow. 

“LEXA!” Clarke screamed as she boldly tackled Lexa while she caught swords tearing the air out of the corner of her eye.


	8. The war in us

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, people.   
> Here's another one. I hope you like it.  
> It has taken a while for me to like something to post that's why I haven't posted as fast.   
> Even though I have a few chapters written in advance, I'm facing a bit of a writer's block, changing things here and there. I actually haven't written anything in a while but I'm still posting this one because you deserve it. So maybe if you could hit me with comments, opinions, prompts, I would love the motivation.  
> Enjoy! :)

Lexa got startled with Clarke’s push as they fell harshly on the ground. And as soon as Clarke landed on her, she was grateful to be wearing her war paint. Lexa quickly shook off thoughts and regain her earnestness. She thought that Clarke wouldn’t attack her in front of all her warriors, no matter how angry or cornered she was. So why would Clarke jump on her? Her questioning stopped as she watched Clarke roll off her body onto the ground. Clarke’s face was bleeding. Clarke’s lip was broken and it was bleeding badly. Lexa looked at Clarke and shouted “INDRA! Frag emo op!” 

The quietness of the camp had been disrupted by the sudden attack and most off the warriors took off to catch the traitors. Lexa held Clarke tight and ordered her warriors as she took Clarke into the tent. Lexa helped Clarke on the bed and Clarke just let Lexa do whatever. She was feeling dizzy, hot and sweaty, but nothing like the relaxing salve effect, this was way worse. Lexa held a cloth on Clarke’s lip. The bleeding hadn’t stopped. It was a wide wound, the arrow had gone in just below Clarke’s lower lip. It looked like it had gone through in diagonal and up since the cut was down from her chin to up the lip. It didn’t slice the lip but it was a long vertical cut. Clarke’s had some splashed bleeding wounds by the lips around her chin and cheek, probably where the fletching had broken when they hit her jaw. 

“Lexa..” Clarke’s voice was full of pain. 

“Shhh, don’t talk Clarke. It’s ok. You’ll be fine.” As said, Clarke leaned over and threw up all she had just eaten. Clarke felt cold and her body was shaking uncontrollably. Her eyes were just too heavy to keep them open, so she closed them. Clarke heard Lexa very far away shouting in trigedasleng. 

“Heda” Lexa heard the healer announce her presence in the tent. 

“Kep em klin” Lexa ordered to the warrior, her tone left no doubt that it wasn’t an option to fail. 

The warrior took out his bag and asked Lexa for the arrow. Lexa handed him the wood piece and the warrior slid his tongue on its sharp edge that still had some of Clarke’s blood. He spit his own saliva after tasting the arrow and looked in his bag for some tube filled with colored liquids. He picked a small blue one and poured some of the content on the wound and made Clarke drink the rest. 

After a few seconds, Clarke started to react to the antidote she had been given and she opened her eyes. The warrior looked relieved that it worked and Lexa let out the breath she had been holding. “She will have a high fever and will be very cold. The bleeding will take a while to stop, so she needs to keep the pressure on it. She will be okay by tomorrow.” The healer said and started walking to leave the tent. 

Lexa looked at Clarke and shouted, “hod op!” She glared at the warrior and said earnestly, “mochof, Daxos.” 

“Ja, Heda.” He replied and left the tent. 

Lexa stood by Clarke’s side holding the cloth onto her lip. It had been a while and Lexa hadn’t moved. Clarke just stared at her since she couldn’t talk because of the pressure on her lip. Clarke felt the dizziness go away little by little but she didn’t feel any better. She was still shaking, Clarke felt Lexa cover her body with some thick blankets with the arm that wasn’t on her lip. Clarke slowly lifted her hand to hold Lexa’s wrist and pull her hand off the lip. “Stop, Clarke. It’s still bleeding.” 

“You may lie on bed, Lexa.” Clarke let go off Lexa’s hand and she just nodded before climbing in the other side of the bed. When Lexa got settled on the bed, Clarke felt her hand pressing the cloth on her lip again, the position obliging Lexa to slightly cuddle her. Her lip hurt badly but Clarke knew it was important that the bleeding stopped. She tried to ignore the pain and closed her eyes. 

It had been a little over an hour since Clarke fell asleep and Lexa was still holding the cloth onto Clarke’s lip, but she figure the bleeding must have stopped by now so carefully she pulled her hand away. It was still an open wound but when she lifted the cloth only two small drop of blood appeared. Lexa looked at Clarke with tender eyes that turned into sad. Clarke had told her she wanted to kill her only three hours ago and Lexa knew exactly why Clarke felt that and didn’t question it. But Clarke had also saved her life only two hours ago. Why had she done that? Clarke didn’t know the price she would have to pay for it. Lexa was sure it would only make Clarke hate her more. Lexa closed her eyes and sighed. The arrow was meant to her, but Clarke took it. It was true that Lexa would let any of her warriors die for her because she was more important than every single one of them, even if she didn’t want to be. Lexa would die for her people but not for one warrior, she couldn’t afford caring. While getting up to get the bowl with salve she had left on the table, Lexa remembered that the problem was she did care. She cared for Costia and for a good reason given how Costia ended up. That’s why she guarded herself behind ‘Love is weakness’. No, she couldn’t afford caring and she was afraid because she knew she might care for Clarke. 

_‘Titus says he believes I will be the next commander’ Lexa breathed into her lover’s neck._

_Lexa heard the thick swallow but also felt the smile forming on her face. ‘It’s not very fair to the others for you to have the flamekeeper’s trust’ Costia teased._

_‘Cos, I’m afraid’ That was something she could only voice or admit to her._

_The dark haired girl lifted herself up from the bed to face Lexa with staring hazelnut eyes. ‘Do you want to be the commander?’ Costia softly asked, and she hoped Lexa did because if she didn’t, then it could only end up in one way._

_‘I do’ Lexa nodded._

_‘Then I’ll be loyal to you as my commander’ Costia knew things would be different when Lexa was the commander, but she felt Lexa was worth it._

_‘The commander’s love will bring you death’ Lexa repeated the words Titus taught them, in her mind remembering the mentions of all those commanders that had had fatal ends because they loved. Some died with the lover, others just watched them die._

_Everybody knew about the commander’s lover curse and it did scare Costia, but she chose to say, ‘If it is few time I get to live, I’ll be grateful for it to be with you’._

_‘Don’t say that,” the words hit Lexa deep in her chest, but Costia smiled meaning well._

_‘Nevertheless, our commander is healthy and the conclave is not near’ Costia said and they both felt relaxed, ‘and right now you are here with me’ she said before leaning down to catch Lexa’s lips in hers._

_They broke apart but Lexa kept Costia’s face just inches away from hers whispering on her lips, ‘ I want you to be loyal to me as Lexa’._

_‘I have always been’. They kissed._

_The commander died four months after and the conclave happened._

Lexa stood by Clarke’s side of the bed and cleaned the shoulder wound first and covered it with the salve. It had almost completely healed and it would be fine in no time. Lexa was careful with her touch so she wouldn’t wake Clarke up. The sky girl still wore Lexa’s top which was very tight on her. It was the kind of top that Lexa wore under her armor but since Clarke was wearing only the top, it showed a lot of skin. Lexa was hypnotized by the rhythm of Clarke’s breathing and stared at her collar bones until she felt awkward with herself. Unbelievable, you’re Lexa, the commander of the twelve clans; and you get nervous around a sleeping semi unconscious girl. Well, a sleeping semi unconscious Clarke, actually. Lexa finished with the shoulder and moved onto the lip. It was already clean so all she had to do was out the salve on it. The task took longer than it should have but Lexa stopped when she felt a tingling sensation as her slipped along Clarke’s lip. 

She tucked Clarke under the blankets again, and being done she went out to get some cold breeze on her face. Just as Lexa stepped out of the tent, she ran into Indra. 

“Heda” Indra nodded respectfully. 

“Hola au” the commander ordered. 

“Azgeda, I don frag won op, em nou don sis ste kig’ron op. Azgeda moun gona don ron of, yo gona ste pad emo au.” Indra said with a strong voice. 

Lexa nodded, “tel ai op taim yo gona bak op”. 

“Ja, Heda.” Indra accepted and glanced at the commander, before speaking in gonasleng given the subject change, “if you let me, the sky leader–” 

“No, I do not let you.” Lexa cut her off with defying eyes, “send a horse to prepare our arrival to Polis”. Indra shot an irritated look at her commander but just nodded and walked away. 

It had been a rough night for Clarke. Lexa constantly changed the wet cloth she had placed on Clarke’s forehead. Clarke was really warm and kept shivering intensely. Lexa was wiping off the sweat on Clarke’s neck when Clarke woke up gasping for air repeatedly. Lexa put her hand on Clarke’s chest and softly said “it’s ok, Clarke. You’re safe.” 

“Lexa?” Clarke questioned with her agitated voice. 

“I am here, Clarke.” Lexa leant on the bed next to Clarke so the blonde could see her. 

“Are you dead?” Clarke sounded like a little innocent child when she spoke. 

“No, I’m not.” 

“Am I?” 

“No” 

“Oh, I thought… I just... I’m so cold.” Clarke was shivering intensely and Lexa was about to tuck her tighter in the blankets when Clarke rolled over and nestled into in Lexa’s chest. “You’re warm.” Clarke said nestling tighter. Lexa got stiff and uncomfortable; she didn’t even move a muscle unable to relax. And Clarke, oh well Clarke just fell back to sleep. Clarke’s body was so warm and Lexa could feel the heat passing through Clarke’s body into hers. After a while, Lexa wasn’t entirely comfortable but she managed to relax a little, at least the stiffness of her back; because her brain wasn’t shutting down anytime soon. Clarke had stopped shivering as much though she would feel her shaking just a little every now and then. Lexa felt her heart pounding and all that she could think about was that she hoped Clarke didn’t notice it. She was embarrassed about Clarke’s warm body being that much of an arousal for her. Lexa closed her eyes and tried to calm down her breathing. She lowered her face, inhaled and counted; one, two, three, exhale. Inhale, one, two, three, exhale. Lexa opened her eyes just to ruin her breathing exercise and gasp for air one time. Clarke’s top had opened widely when she lay down on her side to nest on Lexa’s chest, so now the top showed a heart attacking cleavage and Lexa couldn’t take her eyes of it. Lexa’s mouth was half opened and breathed out heavy as she stared at the nice curves formed on Clarke’s chest. Clarke’s white skin looked soft and beautiful and just perfect–desirable. Lexa realized the meaning of her thoughts and how she was invading Clarke’s intimacy and forced herself to look up and stare at the ceiling, yet the image of Clarke’s boobs was stuck in her brain. Lexa snorted in disapproval with herself. Clarke was sick and there was the commander getting horny on her. Great control of your needs and emotions, Lexa thought.

  


________________________________________ 

  


Clarke woke up because of a throbbing pain on her lip. She opened her eyes with difficulty and discovered Lexa’s face inches away and startled herself. Clarke felt way too relaxed to have a strong reaction so Lexa didn’t notice. She rolled over away from Lexa and that’s when she heard, “are you ok?” 

“Yeah, I just…” Clarke remembered and dragged her words, “Sorry about last night.” 

“You don’t need to apologize, Clarke.” 

“Lexa!” Clarke shouted suddenly, “the grounders, they attacked you! I…” 

“You pushed me out of the way, Clarke. Your lip is broken and you got poisoned.” 

“Oh” 

“You are safe.” 

“Oh, good! I would hate to die saving you” 

“Why did you do that?” Lexa inquired. 

“Save you?” Clarke got a little more serious fighting the effect of the salve. 

“You didn’t choose wisely, Clarke” 

“What the hell, Lexa? I think a thank you is what it’s in order, not you complaining about me saving your despiteful ass.” Clarke shouted in anger. Lexa looked at Clarke and doubted before speaking. 

“Clarke…You shouldn’t have saved me. You just put you people in danger” 

“What? Why? What do my people have to do with this?” 

“The grounders you killed were from the ice nation.” 

“They attacked me. You said they earned their dead.” Clarke argued. 

“I did. I believe that but there were ice nation warriors in my lines. They knew I saved you and kept you alive. They attacked me and you saved me.” 

“Where are they?” 

“They escaped and are most likely on their way back to the ice nation tropes.” Lexa doubted about continuing. 

“Lexa!” Clarke called her attention, “what does that have to do with my people?” 

“Ice nation broke out of the coalition after the mountain fell. We are at war. With your actions, you chose to stand by my side. You are Wanheda, leader of the sky people, so they will think sky people chose to stand by my side.” Lexa said finally. 

Clarke closed her eyes in frustration then shot a deadly look at Lexa, “you didn’t tell me any of this, Lexa. My people might die, again; and it’s going to be because of you, again.” She shouted. Clarke tried to get up even though she felt like the room was supporting its weight upon her, “I need to leave. I have to help them.” 

Lexa stopped her, “you can’t. It’s too dangerous.” “It’s my people, Lexa. Not yours.” “If I let you go, you will die, Clarke. You saved my life and I’m going to save yours. I’ll send someone to warn them, when you heal, you’ll return to them.” 

Lexa left tent for a few minutes and came back with rather skinny warrior, but Clarke could tell that he was built almost only out of muscles. Lexa glanced at the warrior, “Matos is the fastest warrior on my line. He will deliver the message.” 

Clarke nodded and asked Lexa, “Where’s my jacket?” 

Lexa looked inside one of the tables and held Clarke’s jacket in her hands, “take my jacket so they will believe you. My people is at mount weather” Clarke avoided Lexa’s gaze when she said it, “I have a message for Raven, tell her it’s her call”. 

“Yes, Wanheda.” The warrior nodded and turned to the commander searching for authorization. Clarke was a little shocked at the grounder’s response. It had been the first sign of respect any grounder besides Lexa had shown to her. 

“Leave” She heard Lexa order him and the warrior walked out immediately. 

Lexa stared at Clarke, “We leave now. Polis is not far. You must ride with me.” Clarke just nodded, obviously too angry at Lexa still. 

  


________________________________________ 

  


As soon as Clarke sat on the horse, she felt tired. The discussion with Lexa had taken too much energy and the effect of the salve was kicking in again. She made a mental note to tell Lexa, she didn’t want it anymore, even if she needed it. The tiresome was when she heard Lexa call her name to offer her food, it was too late, Clarke had already given up and her face laid on Lexa’s back and barely humbled a meaningless noise and just placed her face more comfortably to not hurt her lip. 

“Clarke?” Lexa called for the second time and waited for a response. She didn’t get one and when she glanced over her shoulder, she found a very passed out Clarke. Lexa grabbed Clarke’s hand to keep her steady on the horse. 

Lexa sat calmly on the horse, it wasn’t uncomfortable anymore. She watched the path, anxious to get to the safety of Polis. Not because of her, she wasn’t afraid of dead. But Clarke would be safer in Polis; she deserved to be safe. Lexa was sure that they were going into battle but she wasn’t sure what loses she would be facing. The ice nation was the biggest clan in the coalition. They could easily double the warriors in the commander’s tropes. Lexa was also sure that the base of this war was queen Nia, the ice nation leader. She had visited the ice nation before and people had been very welcoming and content with her; she noticed they also seemed to leave under constant fear. Queen Nia ruled her people unfairly and ruthlessly-Sure, Lexa was ruthless to, but only when she had to. Nia kept the power figure in unfair wealthy and that’s why she had a very faithful army. Now that the sky people had become part of this war, she didn’t know what to expect of it. Clarke had said that they were in the mountain. It had been almost 15 days since the mountain fell. They were obviously settling down in the mountain, what was the purpose of it? She knew the mountain men had never wiped them out just because they needed them to survive. But the sky people didn’t need them. 

There were lots of things that the commander needed to analyze now and a lot of decisions as well. However, she could wait to Polis. Lexa ordered a group of warrior to scout the woods to keep the zone from any surprise attacks. It wouldn’t take much longer to get to Polis since the sun was already on top of their heads and they had been riding for a long while. 

Lexa noticed that Clarke was drooling on her armor again and she felt a little bad for Clarke. She had spent the last four days nearly passed out all time. She had felt the effects of the salve on herself and if the situation required it, she preferred cauterizing her wound. The commander couldn’t afford being without control of herself. Lexa thought that it must feel terrible for Clarke as well, even more now that her people were in danger; but once she didn’t need the salve, Lexa would miss how comfortable Clarke would get with her. When Clarke regained her self control again, she would back to hating Lexa and nothing more. 

They were reaching the gates when Clarke woke up. She slowly pulled her hand away from Lexa’s grab. “How’s your lip, Clarke?” Lexa acknowledge Clarke. 

“Throbbing” Clarke said plainly. 

“We’re just entering Polis. I’ll check it once we’re at my tower.” 

“You have a tower?” Clarke asked confused. 

“It’s the commander’s tower.” 

“You have a tower just for you?” 

“No, Clarke. Other people live there as well. They are mostly under my service or official coalition service.” 

“Oh. Will I stay in the tower?” 

“Yes, Clarke”.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Frag emo op - Kill them.  
> Kep em kiln - Save her.  
> Hod op - Wait.  
> Mochof, Daxos - Thank you, Daxos.  
> Ja, Heda - Yes, Commander.  
> Hola au - Speak up.  
> Azgeda, I don frag won op, em nou don sis ste kig’ron op. Azgeda moun gona don ron of, yo gona ste pad emo au - Ice Nation, I killed one, he wouldn't be caught alive. Other Azgeda warriors escaped, our warrios are searching for them.  
> Tel ai op taim yo gona bak op - Tell me when our warriors get back.


	9. Wishes, Resources and Memories

Having reached further into Polis, the effect of the salve was almost gone and Clarke let the surroundings sink in. Sure she was under Lexa’s protection, but still that hasn’t completely worked out at the grounders’ warrior camp and Clarke wasn’t expecting Polis to be any different so she made herself alert-though, without her gun, there’s not much she could do. So far the view wasn’t overwhelming or impressive, but she had already earned a few glances, some easily full of hate and others that she didn’t know how to label. A few Wooden houses trailed off on her right and left, they were small, little simple houses; but as closer they got to the center of the city, they started growing bigger and came in various shapes and dark colors. With the amount of houses, the population rose up too, and Clarke was starting to feel uncomfortable and somewhat trapped. As she was breathing deeply trying to calm down the suffocating feeling of staring eyes, she let herself be distracted with some different types of constructions that weren’t homes but something similar to the trading departments they had back on the ark. There were some skinned animals hanging on some of them, a few had weapons for display, some others showed various pieces of clothing, and the rest showed handmade crafts which Clarke knew difficult to define, but found them interesting and some of them beautiful as well.

Unpleased, Clarke knew that blocking out the presence of grounders wasn’t going to work anymore as she noticed they were close to the center of the city and even the buzzing of grounders came to her ears. It was strange to acknowledge the noisy side of the grounders’ lives, even more since she preferred not to acknowledge them at all -at least for now- it was too painful and it made her angry and feel humiliated, all of it sponsored by the commander who had brought her there and whom she was riding a horse with. Her feelings and her emotions were back and Clarke couldn’t stop them, the salve effect was completely drifting away and all of her anger was coming back. Digging her dirty nails on the skin of her palms, Clarke simultaneously clenched her teeth and snorted, though the commander didn’t seem to hear or didn’t care to react to it. The frown on her forehead was back, she straightened herself avoiding brushing her body with Lexa’s as much as she could.

People in Polis constantly bowed before the commander as they passed in front of them, many of them didn’t spare a glance towards Clarke and most of who did shot angry potentially killing glares which matched the ones that Clarke shot back at them. There was no way Clarke would let herself feel intimidated, this was unsafe ground she knew that; but hell if she was attacked or hurt here, they would never find joy in her fear. Anyway, Clarke shook off every glance right away; except those which kept puzzling her. Could it be…? Clarke furrowed her brow thinking about it, Lexa did mention it, but the warriors never showed something that would demonstrate it. She preferred to ignore her thoughts and just focused on making sure none of those who approached Lexa were up to attack, though she considered it unlikely. Many of those who came forward, offered items to Lexa, which the commander declined politely thanking them. 

Even though Clarke was wary of them, she realized that inside the city, grounders didn’t look threatening. They did look very much capable but didn’t look like warriors, they were just people living among each other, but anyway they were people who hated her guts; Clarke thought, not lingering in her previous consideration.

The tower Lexa talked about obviously raised much taller than the constructions surrounding it. Part of it was in ruins but it seemed to have many repairs along the structures and it still looked imposing. Right before the tower, there was a round fountain with smashed stones inside it of what Clarke thought must have been sculptures someday; Clarke was surprised that it was actually filled with water. When the horse rounded the fountain, it stopped in front of the tower and Clarke heard Lexa shout orders in grounder language as she hopped off the horse.

“Heda!” Indra shot her a serious look. “Osir nou na taim swima op ona rein".

“The warriors have to rest, Indra.” Lexa said firmly.

“Wor komba raun. Osir na strat gon wor deyon,” Indra argued.

Lexa defied Indra with her eyes and responded, “the warriors will rest, and we will discuss war matters at sundown” The warrior looked angry but didn’t respond to her commander. “Gon we, Indra!” Lexa ordered at last and the warrior marched away.

The commander looked at Clarke who was still on the horse, her arm twitched for a brief second, but Lexa stopped herself from offering Clarke help to get off the horse. When Clarke landed on the ground, Lexa said “Welcome to Polis, Clarke,” and with head motion she signaled Clarke to follow her inside the tower; she greeted the grounders in her way with a simple nod and hopped in the elevator with Clarke.

When the elevator started moving, Clarke was surprised, “how does this work? I mean you don’t use power”.

“It uses a pulling wheel”.

“That is… clever,” Clarke admitted, and then she hesitated to continue, “Polis… it looks… different”. 

“It is, Clarke. That is why I like it,” Lexa glanced at her.

Silence filled the tight space for some short seconds before Clarke sighed out, “Why did you bring me here, Lexa? You should’ve let me go back if you weren’t going to kill me”.

Lexa heard the valid question the sky leader had asked, but the truth was that the commander wasn’t sure why she had insisted to keep Clarke close. One of her most trusted warriors could’ve taken her back, it wasn’t really necessary that Clarke stayed and she told the blonde. The developments of the previous night showed that she probably made a mistake that would drive her to comply with her commander duties. She learnt how not to get affected by whatever thing she had to do, but Lexa really hoped that her warriors were wrong and she didn’t have to act out this time. But the commander will if she had to, there was no way Clarke would leave Polis now. Her people wouldn’t allow it unless they had the truth.

Glancing at Lexa unaltered figure, Clarke understood she wasn’t getting an answer to her question. She didn’t push her question, it was not necessary, it wouldn’t change anything. Instead she went for a statement, this time expecting a response. “Lexa, even here Polis your people still wants to kill me and maybe I deserve it”, the pain was all back and Clarke just wanted it to stop, if she wasn’t able to kill Lexa, maybe the next best thing would be for her to die. Dead people didn’t feel.

Lexa turned her face to look at Clarke wishing to read her mind, she caught Clarke’s painful eyes in her own. It wasn’t up to her to ease her pain, not when she was the cause of it, so Lexa left the commander speak out instead, “Some of them do,” Lexa admitted the will in their warriors hearts but then continued, “but… is there something why you deserve death right now, Clarke?

It was another question that would go without a response, Lexa was fully aware of that so after a couple of seconds of holding her eyes onto blue ones, she turned her face away. The elevator kept a slow pace so after a few minutes of deep silence, the doors opened into a red carpet hallway. Lexa stepped out and waited for Clarke. The sky girl followed Lexa as she walked through the hallway and stormed into one of the many rooms, immediately alerting a slim grounder who bowed before her, “Raise, Belas”.

“Welcome back, commander”.

Lexa nodded as a silent thank you, “Belas, you will help Clarke to bath and feed”. The grounder’s eyes opened widely in surprise.

Clarke heard the grounder whisper, “Wanheda,” before she intervened, “I can bath by myself Lexa.

“She will help you, Clarke” It was all she got in response before Lexa continued walking through the hallway; she stopped almost at the end of it. “You will stay here for now, Clarke.” Lexa said to her and then turned to the grounder, “provide as she needs”. 

“Yes, commander”.

Annoyed by Lexa’s command, Clarke watched her walk to the opposite side of the hall and disappear inside one of the closest doors. She wasn’t one of her fucking warriors to be following her orders as she pleased; Clarke glanced at Belas clearly upset. The grounder woman was waiting by the open door for her, “please, Wanheda. Come in”.

Clarke stepped in the room, “I don’t need your help,” Clarke snapped with a dry voice.

“I know,” the grounder conceded, “but I wish to help you, if you let me, Wanheda,” her tone was nothing but even and respectful, like if following Lexa’s order wasn’t an imposition.

Clarke ignored her words wary of falling for empty ones; after all she knew that grounders tented to no stick to them. She decided to get acquainted with the room. It was very bright and big, the roof was high and there was a huge bed that looked really comfortable, it seemed to be seducing Clarke.

“You may undress while I prepare your bath.” The grounder interrupted her inspection not caring that she didn’t get and reply before.

“I can do that. You don’t have to serve me,” Clarke argued with a tense voice.

“Your arm is hurt and I thank the opportunity of serving Wanheda,” Belas’s voice was not filled with pity at all and Clarke doubted grounders all, if anything it felt like the grounder woman was stating a fact.

A cautious curiosity took over Clarke, “why? I’m not your people”.

“You served us well, the commander said. You took down the mountain men,” again, the grounder woman spoke matter-of-factly and Clarke stiffened as she heard the reference. Somehow she hadn’t remembered it all in a while; well coming to think of it, it was probably due to the salve effect.

Clarke preferred not to reply to that. Of course that people in Mount Weather weren’t good, and all that grounders and her own people could see in their deaths were greatness, justice, freedom; yet all that Clarke felt was guilt, she despised herself. Her chest weighted with remorse, and pain, a lot of pain more often than always. Belas was staring at Clarke but since she didn’t get a reply, she simply added, “I will be back to prepare your bath,” then left the room. 

Lying on the bed, Clarke would dig holes on the roof if she could. What would be of her people now? Clarke meant what she said to Lexa, her people were not up to fight grounders. They just wanted to forget they even existed, which was a naïve thought Clarke admitted. Her people would never be able to get rid of them, and here she was an example, chasing the commander whom she thought she would be able to kill. Pathetic, that is what Clarke was right now. She shielded herself behind a cause for her people when she was pursuing a very selfish enterprise. The best of it is how she royally failed, ended up sleeping in the commander’s bed, saving her undeserving ass and making things worse for her people. 

The bathroom consisted of a four-legged bathtub, a very well improvised bucket toilet and a tall base with a wide wooden bowl probably used as a sink. Despite the rusty looks and some loosen pieces of ceramics, the bathroom was very neat and clean. There was also a table with clean towels of different sizes on it. She took a big one and wrapped around her body being careful to not hurt her shoulder. Just a minute later Belas arrived in the bathroom pushing a metallic cart that sure had taken the years of use in account. It had big barrels of water in it and she pushed it with effort. Clarke watched as the grounder woman emptied the steaming water barrels in the bathtub and then added the other ones. When she was done, Belas informed Clarke, “the bath is ready for you. Food will be waiting for you in the room when you’re ready”.

When Clarke sank in the warm water, she couldn’t avoid letting out a pleasure moan, not even caring that Belas heard it. It felt so good, it was relaxing and Clarke’s muscles reacted to it. She had never taken a bath before; back on the ark they couldn’t waste water in that manner, so they just cleaned themselves with wet tissues. The first time she washed herself with water on the ground had been amazing; she never bathed, though, not after the episode with Octavia in the river. Anyway, that water had always been cold. This bathtub with warm water provided an incredible sensation. 

Nevertheless, it wasn’t for long that she could keep her thoughts away. A war was not what her people were expecting after Mount Weather, that had been enough. They were tired, she was tired; but grounders seemed not to be able of living in peace. She was not sure if she would ever make it out of Polis and back to her people; and if their people were dragged to a war, there was only one way they could survive it, but she didn’t even know if Raven had pulled through. Was Raven even okay? Her mom, Octavia, Bellamy? She didn’t know what was happening back at the mountain. What if it was true what the warrior in the camp accused her off? She knew that Lexa hadn’t touched the matter since she saved her life but it was not something that would be dropped. What if her people had killed the grounder warriors while looking for her? It wouldn’t be the first time, Finn did it once. Would they be that stupid again? She was not worth the end of her people. Bullets were sky people’s ammo; just that statement would be enough to kill Clarke. It was obvious, Clarke had been lucky of how much grounders praise the truth and how she saved Lexa at the best timing. Even if her people had nothing to do with it, she had saved Lexa and it would bring war with the Ice Nation anyway. Why did she save Lexa? Clarke wasn’t sure, she just acted on it. Well, Lexa had saved her too. But Lexa would never save Clarke’s people. If it was known that her people did what they were accused of, grounders wouldn’t stop until they killed all her people and Clarke would be first. 

After she had eaten, Clarke lay down on bed. The room smelled of something she couldn’t quite identify; it was a soothing smell, almost like the flowers in the woods. Clarke felt better without the effect of the salve. Her lip burned; but if she didn’t move her shoulder, it barely hurt now. She was drifting to sleep when Belas came in to retrieve the bowls, and Clarke heard her work in silence. The grounder would never break it of course so Clarke did.

“You don’t hate me,” Clarke mumbled without opening her eyes.

“I used to,” Belas admitted.

Clarke scoffed, “what earned me your liking?”

“My little daughter”.

This time Clarke opened her eyes and furrowed her brow in confusion, she stared at Belas waiting for her to elaborate.

Her tone was not matter-of-factly anymore, it was actually rather emotional, “She was not taller than my hips when she was taken. I never saw her again”. Belas held her head high locking her eyes to Clarke’s and continued, “You brought justice to her death and freed us of the one fear that haunted my people”.

 

________________________________________

 

The morning had become late afternoon and Clarke lay on bed, eyes closed, when she heard two knocks on the door. She couldn’t sleep, but the bed soft and she felt like she was floating; it even took her another two knocks to react, of course she knew who it would be so she called, “Come in” and she heard the door opening immediately. 

“Did you freshen up well, Clarke?” Lexa asked.

“I did,” Clarke didn’t care to elaborate. 

Lexa had taken off her armor and was now wearing black skinny pants with holes along her legs. The size of a half leg was cut off on the left side where Lexa wore something similar to a burgundy leg warmer. It was thick and made of soft leather with four belt buckles to hold it tight. She was also wearing short heavy black boots and a dark green tight shirt that looked made of snake skin. She wore a long tired red cloak on top of everything else. “We have matters to discuss,” Lexa stood by the doorframe as she laid her eyes on Clarke who was wearing just some simple black pants with a brown top held with belt buckles by her ribs and her own shoes. 

Clarke nodded at the information waiting for Lexa to say whatever she wanted discuss, but instead the commander stepped away from blocking the door for Clarke to walk out. The sky girl hopped clumsily out of bed and followed Lexa who in some agile moves jumped in towards Clarke and stopped her from walking out while reaching her hands to Clarke’s shoulder. “Your sling is loosened,” Lexa explained her behavior as she undid the edges and proceeded to wrap it tight. After that, Lexa lead Clarke back to the elevator which was going down slowly. 

“How is your lip?” Lexa broke the silence with a plain voice staring at the elevator doors.

“It burns,” Clarke would rather give short answers or her anger would slip out.

“Clarke, you were exposed to very powerful venom. If it had hit a vital part of you, you would be dead,” There was a hint of complain and annoyance in Lexa’s voice. 

“I didn’t,” Clarke snorted, “how about my people? Are you going to attack them?”

Lexa didn’t answer nor looked at Clarke. The elevator finally stopped and Lexa walked out with Clarke behind her, and the sky girl took the opportunity before they would be completely out of the elevator and spoke at Lexa’s back, “if you don’t hold the truth, you might as well be condemning innocents”.

The words Clarke spoke were very true, but convincing her people of them was not simple so Lexa shook them away. Looking unaltered, the commander marched through the hallway and into some huge dark gray metal doors which welcomed them in a big round room with a red mat marking the way towards a great wooden throne decorated with branches. Clarke had to admit that it was very impressive. A group of 15 grounders bowed down as Lexa crossed the room and stood in front of her throne, and Clarke stopped a few feet before Lexa’s position close to the grounders but keeping a safe distance.

“Ambassadors of the eleven clans, our coalition has been betrayed by the Ice Nation Queen who believes to be above your commander, who believes to be above the nightblood given to us by Becca Pramheda, the first commander,” Lexa’s voice was solemn. “We will stand against her and those who support the betrayal. We go to war.”

“To war!” The room erupted in a chorus. 

Lexa’s grin was powerful and defying before she yelled, “Do you stand by your commander?” 

“Forever” The room shouted.

Lexa’s voice was back into solemnity, “You fight for me. I die for you,” She looked at the ambassadors with a hard face. Their strength came from devotion and loyalty. 

“Commander,” one of the ambassadors spoke, “when do we attack?”

“I value my people’s lives. The Ice Nation army is numerous. We will wait for the warriors that will unite us in one and four days,” Lexa answered. “The general will be on charge of the strategy, follow her commands and inform your armies,” she added while looking at Indra. 

“Yes, commander,” The ambassador answered for the group.

“I must inform you of the recent Ice Nation advances,” Lexa continued. “My life was threatened by its warriors. The sky leader took the arrow for me. I would not fight this war with you without her intervention”.

Clarke got a little unsettled since the eyes in the room turned to her, “Wanheda is among us”. There were some gasps and surprised mumbles along the ambassadors. “This war has been extended to the sky people. However, I don’t know what side they’re on, sky people have been accused of killing the warriors in one of the villages,” Lexa continued.

A brave looking woman took a step forward, “Sky people attacked ours. They are our enemy”. Clarke heard more voices backing the woman up. 

“Aiyos, you speak boldly. I was informed of your conspiracy with the Ice Nation warriors who attacked me,” Lexa counteracted knowing the information was false, even though her most trusted warriors did inform her of a few encounters which she knew were meaningless.

Aiyos’ chest rose high and her eyes opened widely at the accusation. “I am loyal to you, Heda,” she defended.

“Speak the truth,” Lexa defied her.

“I was not part of a conspiracy against you,” Aiyos held her head up proudly.

“I take your word,” Lexa conceded before turning her gaze to Clarke. “Speak the truth, Clarke of the sky people. Do your people stand as an enemy to my people?”

Clarke was taken aback by the sudden attention she got, but managed to compose herself to reply, “My people seek for no war. My mother, leader of my people’s council, wishes not to engage against your people”.

“I take your word,” Lexa conceded again. It was the way Lexa chose to show her people that they should forgive Clarke’s life, for now at least. The exception wouldn’t hold unless proven. At least Lexa would be buying the sky girl a little time, and hopefully Clarke would be right.

To Lexa’s words, the ambassadors complained to each other as one cried, “She’s not our people. We do not take her word”.

“I am,” Lexa raised her voice over her ambassadors’, “grateful for Clarke’s intervention,” the commander defended and then conceded, “but she is not our people,” Lexa agreed. “Our warrior Matos took the order of delivering a message to sky people. If he is not back in two days, sky people’s intention will be displayed and our war will be declared”. 

“I praise your life, Heda, but sky people make their fate. We give no protection for branwoda”.

“You will honor your fights,” Lexa shouted in anger. “The mountain freed our people. It was not our fight. The Ice Nation is our enemy and no one will fight for us”. The noise died until there was no sound, everyone was at the expectation of the commander’s voice so she continued firmly but softer this time, “Clarke of the sky people earned two days, and no more. If you have honor and respect, you will defend that. If you do not, you deserve not to fight among us”. The room kept the silence as each ambassador lowered his face at the commander’s gaze. 

“Train your warriors,” the commander ordered to dismiss them. 

Lexa sat in her throne as every ambassador left the room. Her chin was high as she watched them leave, and then her eyes landed on Clarke who was still standing on the same spot returning Lexa’s gaze. Only when the room emptied, Clarke asked angrily, “It took us three days to get here since I…You found me. Why don’t you just kill me now?”

“I don’t have little faith in my warrior. Do you have little faith in your people?” Lexa’s eyes were hard and defying.

Actually, Clarke wasn’t sure how to answer that and it must have shown in her eyebrows, and Clarke suddenly felt like a stubborn child when the next words slipped out of her lips, “If you wish to go to war against my people, why don’t you just declare it? I’m sure your people would be thrilled”.

Lexa held the silence for a few long seconds before answering solemnly, “I understand your concern, Clarke; but the order given is not for your please but for our honor”.

Clarke snorted loudly, “So my people are in the middle of your honor battle?”

“It appears you are,” Lexa admitted.

“What if we decide to fight against you then?” Clarke questioned firmly.

“You didn’t come to me chasing a war, Clarke,” Lexa said softly as if she knew Clarke’s deepest desires and the blonde felt a shiver going up her spine.

“I thought I had come to earth to live. Yet I came to kill,” Clarke reasoned. “You will protect your people and I will protect mine”.

Lexa stared at Clarke and nodded, “I will inform you when… if Matos comes back with knowledge of your people”.

Clarke held her eyes on Lexa’s before she turned around and started walking out of the room when she heard Lexa’s voice, “And Clarke..? If you truly believe that fighting your people is my wish, you know nothing of what I wish for”.

 

________________________________________

 

Clarke went back to the room Lexa had assigned her. She felt mocked and her blood was boiling. The two days of pardon, if that’s the name it could go as, were just an ego boost for Lexa’s position. It would end in war and they both knew it. Lexa would never save a sky person over a grounder, and there was not a chance of Matos getting back before deadline. Why the hell had she saved Lexa? She doesn’t even have a straight answer for that question. What came into her at that very moment? Her lip was burning badly and she felt it throbbing, so she went to the bathroom to clean it out. The wound had dried but it was still open. She was sure that she needed to put some salve on it, she had no idea what was in it; though she wasn’t thrilled about feeling without control again.

When Clarke came out of the bathroom, the lighting in the room had changed to soft orange. Clarke noticed there was a balcony and stepped in it to let the low sunlight brush her skin. On top of the balcony, Clarke was able to see most of Polis. Its houses and trade posts; she saw the warriors training, people eating, even some children running who seemed oblivious about the upcoming war. That seemed to settle in Clarke’s chest. These people weren’t that different from her people. They were just people accustomed to live in war, and under its laws. Clarke’s heart shrank when she remembered the dead children of mount weather. Was that the same fate that was expecting the grounder’s children or her people’s children? She didn’t think her mind would be able to survive that guilt, again. She didn’t even know if she was actually surviving this. 

“Wanheda?” Belas stood a few feet behind her. “I knocked but there was no answer”.

“It’s fine,” She said staring at the last minute of sunlight. 

“The commander wishes to join you to eat in your room”.

Clarke sighed, “At what time?”

“As soon as I prepare the table in the room,” Clarke nodded at Bela’s information but kept staring at the sun falling on the sky.

The medium-size table that was once on the corner of the room was now in the middle of it. It was filled with many bowls full of different foods which Clarke had never laid eyes on; some looked weird and others looked colorful and delicious. A couple of pitchers lay on the table with two golden glasses next to them. There were also two chairs set on opposite sides. Belas had just finished setting everything on the table when she opened the door after some knocks. 

“Heda!” She acknowledge Lexa, “I set everything you asked for. I believe it will be of your pleasure”.

“Thank you, Belas. You may rest now. Return tomorrow to retrieve the cutlery,” Lexa gently dismissed her. Clarke watched as Belas left the room but Lexa stood still by the door.   
“Aren’t you going to come in?” Clarke asked confused.

“It’s your room, Clarke,” Lexa’s tone asked for permission.

“You came in before without permission, Lexa”.

“You were in pain,” she glanced at Clarke’s shoulder.

Clarke nodded at Lexa, “come in, Lexa.”

The sky girl stared at Lexa not knowing what to say. She had no idea why Lexa wanted to share the meal with her after the disagreement they had in the coalition council room, so she just awkwardly asked, “Will you explain me the food? I never tried any of these before”.

Lexa took out a knife from her belt and grabbed one of the items on the table which Clarke thought it was probably a fruit. It had a horned round exterior and its color was an intense yellow with hints of red on the horns. Lexa cut open a few of them revealing an almost liquid green interior with some bright red seeds; and she poured them in one of the jars before mixing the content inside. She poured some of the beverage on the two glasses. “Try,” she softly ordered Clarke as she handed her one of the glasses. 

“What is it?”

“Treewater”

Clarke smelled the content of the glasses; it was one of the things she loved about earth, sensing, smelling, and tasting. The smell was strongly aromatic and sour. She pressed her lips to the glasses and sipped once. Clarke had never savored something that sweet before. It was delicious; a sweet citrus flavor impregnated her mouth and nose. She could identify the sweet and sour just because of what she was taught when she was younger. In the ark, food didn’t taste much. It was very synthetic, basically a supplement to keep the body energetic and healthy; but once in every arcadian’s life they would have a flavor practice in science class. They used chemicals to imitate the common flavors that their ancestors used to experience on earth. But that was barely a drop on her tongue; the entire flavor in this fruit was just divine. 

“You may have more, Clarke,” Lexa said when she noticed the sky girl finished her beverage. Lexa was setting some food on two plates. There was a thick light purple substance; it appeared to have been smashed. There was also a tiny green tree-like bush. It had very strange spiral patterns on its head; around it, there were what looked like some burned long deformed green branches. For last, there were sliced white pieces of meat with some red sauce on it.

Clarke’s mouth was watering and she couldn’t help herself from saying, “that looks better than anything I have ever eaten.”

“I hope it will be up to the expectation,” Lexa glanced at her. It was something different to see Clarke’s reaction at something as usual as food, but Lexa thought she liked to be present in Clarke’s first out of ordinary experience with earth food. She sat across from Clarke after putting the plate down in front of her. 

“Why isn’t one of your servants doing this, Lexa?” Clarke was a little confused over the commander’s attention.

“I prefer privacy, Clarke. Do you not?”

Clarke nodded and immediately put a piece of meat inside her mouth, “Hmmm” she heard herself moaning for the food then looked at Lexa who had her eyes fixed on her. Clarke knew that the commander had the ability of keeping a solemn and unaltered face in any situation, but she was sure that her eyes were laughing at her right now. 

“I see that the food is pleasant,” Lexa’s tone was softer than she ever heard.

“Yes, uhmm, it’s definitely a change from all the burned or dry meat I’ve eaten,” she continued eating. The flavors were marvelous but she was able to keep her moaning opinions silenced. 

Lexa watched Clarke devour the food eagerly. They ate in silence. It was interesting to look at Clarke delighted with the food. Clarke finished her second plate of food long before Lexa finished her only, “do you usually eat like this while in your tower, Lexa?” 

“I refuse to eat differently than my people. But I will have these meals on special occasions”. 

Clarke was curious about the mention of special occasion but she didn’t ask, maybe it was just about the previous days to war. Instead of that, she decided to go to where she was most interested, “you didn’t come here just to have a meal with me, Lexa”.

“No, I didn’t, Clarke”. Lexa answered still working on her plate of food without looking at her.

“Then why did you?” she inquired, but Lexa didn’t answer until she had finished the little amount of food in her plate and sipped form her glass. She put it away and firmly asked, “Why is your people in Mount Weather?”

Clarke stared at Lexa wary of the intention in the question and gave an honest answer, “there are lots of resources in there”.

“Resources to attack my people?” Lexa asked straight forward. 

“Resources to protect my people,” Clarke defended. 

“Clarke, I sent a messenger to warn your people… What will happen if the Ice Nation attacks them?” They both ignored the Matos issue, for now it’d be better to think that he would go through with his assignation.

“There’s a strong possibility that the Ice Nation Warriors will die,” Clarke looked away from Lexa in some way hoping that it would go on like that and not with her people being the ones dying. 

“Will it be a fair battle?”

“I’m not sure”.

“This is not your battle, Clarke. Your people have no right of interference,” Lexa’s voice came out stronger. They might be at war with the Ice Nation, but Lexa knew how unfair it could be to fight an enemy with the resources of Mount Weather and the Ice Nation was still part of her people.

“Neither did I when I saved you and put my people in danger. My people will defend their lives and do whatever they have to. That’s what we all on the ground,” Clarke was annoyed at Lexa’s statement. “Isn’t that what you’ll be doing in two days?”

“I… wish I won’t have to,” Lexa was voice was filled with honesty and it was bewildering, but her cold temper was back really quick, “Will your people want to fight?” 

“They will have to,” Clarke affirmed.

“Everybody fights if they have to, but nobody is ever ready for war, Clarke”.

Clarke nodded. She remembered people in Mount Weather. They never knew they had to fight. They never knew they were at war. But Clarke knew and she wiped them out. 

“Lie down,” she heard Lexa order her while gazing at the bed. Clarke was confused at the commander’s intentions until she saw the bowl with salve in it. Lexa removed the sling, cleaned the wound realizing no more salve was necessary and put the sling back on. Then she doubted about continuing with Clarke’s lip but since Clarke’s eyes were closed she did anyway. 

Lexa gently brushed her fingers on Clarke’s lip spreading the salve. It was a little swollen but it was healing just fine. It seemed too private to be able to stare at Clarke’s face with her eyes closed. It was obvious that the sky girl was not the best warrior, a great leader yes, but even though she was not the strongest amongst her own, Clarke had never shown her vulnerability. Having the blonde lying down like that, made Lexa feel as if the sky girl was offering some of that vulnerability. It made Lexa feel vulnerable too. Lexa’s fingers traced the curve of Clarke’s lips, her skin was soft and she was beautiful, so beautiful. It was not longer necessary, but Lexa kept her fingers attached to those pink lips which had her eyes anchored. Her brain betrayed her, and the memory of that eventful night played in Lexa’s mind. Clarke’s lips were on hers, Lexa had pursued the kiss, but Clarke had kissed her back. Maybe it was for just half a second, but Lexa felt it. Her lips were slim and elegant, but Clarke never knew of the electric feeling she buzzed into Lexa’s body right then. It had been rather saccharine in a very natural way, and Lexa could still taste it in her lips in contrast of the smell, which had been sour and smoky from the fires.

Those same lips were teasing her right under her finger’s touch; Lexa wondered how different it would be to kiss them now. The unsteady sound of Clarke’s breathing snapped Lexa out of her thoughts. The blonde’s breathing had gone notably unsteady. She had let Lexa take care of her wounds before, but this time, it had felt awkward. Maybe it was because Lexa had never touched her lips before, and now there she was running her fingers along her jaw and back to her lips. Clarke tried to keep control of the shivers she felt running through her body, but couldn’t help the hairs on her arms to get frizzy. By now, her chest was racing up and down as she had just been running in the woods, her brain only focused on the soft touch of Lexa’s fingers. Clarke didn’t dare to open her eyes. Seeing Lexa made her angry, but this, feeling her touch, only that. It feel good, it was an overwhelming kind of good. When Clarke felt Lexa’s thumb pull down her bottom lip just the tiniest inch, she couldn’t avoid letting out a hushed sigh parting her lips slightly. Warm breath brushing against Lexa’s finger was probably what brought her back to the moment, and Clarke heard Lexa let out a sigh of her own that sounded a lot more like a gasp.

“Clarke?” Lexa cleared her throat pulling her hand away from the sky girl’s lips.

“Yes?” she replied without opening her eyes, making an effort to even out her breathing. 

“Thank you,” Lexa’s sincerity was speaking again.

“For what?” Clarke’s eyes remained closed, for some reason, it was keeping her from being angry at Lexa, and right now, she didn’t want to be angry at her.

“Saving me”

Clarke kept silent a couple of seconds, “Thank you for saving me too”. Lexa nodded even though Clarke couldn’t see her.

“You’re ready” Lexa broke the silence, “your shoulder wound has healed but it will still hurt to move it for a couple of weeks,” her voice was expressionless again. “Good night, Clarke”.

The commander was leaving the room when Clarke voiced out, “Lexa?” and the commander stopped in her tracks, “what if Matos doesn’t come back?”

Lexa stood by the door in silence for a few long seconds wishing she didn’t have to consider this option. She composed her thoughts, something she often had to do with the sky girl around and spoke, “you will meet the death council”.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, hey people. How've you been doing? I was wondering if I should post this today or not. I have a trip coming and I don't know if I will be able to post anything before I leave, and certainly I won't be able to post while traveling. 
> 
> ANYWAY, I decided to post as you just read since it has actually been ready for a few days, but my internet connection was down. So, I was wondering too if there are people waiting for some updates or even still interested in reading. If so, let me know, I might work a little harder to post something before I leave.
> 
> Hoped you liked this one, some drama is coming and I'm excited for it. 
> 
> “Osir nou na taim swima op ona rein" - We can't waste time.  
> “Wor komba raun. Osir na strat gon wor deyon"-War approachs. We must plan for war today.  
> "Gon we, Indra"-Leave, Indra.  
> "....branwoda"-Foolishness.


	10. Are you the enemy?

Lexa went back to her room and lied down on the bed, and Clarke immediately popped into her mind. When Lexa rescued Clarke from the wild animal, the sky leader became then a risky guest, but now she would be become her enemy once again. A three-way war was something Lexa didn’t think her people would survive, not at least with most of her people ending up dead. The Ice Nation army was big. It was easily a great enemy to defeat, but the clans knew that and they knew how to fight them; great warriors defeat numbers. But sky people were a bigger threat, since day one they showed graceless strength and bravery. They had killed many of her people, hundreds to be fair. They had wiped out the Mountain men, an enemy the clans were never capable of defeating. Well, it was Clarke who did that.

If Matos wasn’t back in two days, Lexa knew what had to be done and the thought of having to kill Clarke made her more upset than she should let herself be. Lexa knew she shouldn’t get attached, it wasn’t proper of a commander, she had experienced it. It was true that if Clarke died, this war would go on until the last of her warriors was standing. The clans would face the greatest loss in their memory. Clarke would do anything to save her people; same as would Lexa, but her people had ways she could not betray. Clarke didn’t like it, but she was Wanheda now and she even seemed to be more used to death. Perhaps, Clarke had understood death is the justice that needs to be enforced. Would Clarke kill Lexa if she had to? Clarke said that all she wanted to do was kill Lexa, but when you want something you have a choice, don’t you? Clarke chose not to kill her; what if Lexa didn’t have a choice?

Lexa was evaluating what that would mean for her people, she just couldn’t ask herself what it would mean for her; that’d be too dangerous. When the sky people arrived, they were unprotected, unarmed and outnumbered. This time the sky people had the warriors, had the weapons and had the Mountain men technology. How could Lexa lead her people to that massacre? She was ruthless because that was her people’s way; but she also was intelligent enough to know which battles to fight. That’s was the only reason why she left Clarke at the mountain. The battle against sky people was not one of them, battling against Clarke was something the commander would do, not Lexa. But she was sure, they would both lose. She was debating in her mind about a decision to make and how to make her people understand this when she heard cries coming from the hallway. Lexa grabbed her sword and walked out her room without a sound. 

The hallway was partially lightened by the moon light leaking through the hole-pattern walls. Lexa swept through it like a shadow with her sword ready, until she reached Clarke’s door. The cries came from inside and having experienced the episode of aggression towards Clarke in her tent a few days ago; she quickly but silently slid the door opened rising her sword ready to attack, but there was no one to attack. Clarke was in bed, agitated and rolling around. She was having bad dreams again. Lexa withdrew her sword and stepped in next to Clarke’s side. “Clarke” Lexa called faintly with no answer. She was still agitated, “Clarke!” Lexa rolled the letter k out of her lips as she pressed her hand on Clarke’s chest; the sudden touch made Clarke wake up gasping for air and sweating, “Nooo, I can’t”. Clarke started crying. She was weeping loudly, tears poured down her face. “I can’t, not again…not again,” she cried.

“Lexa! I can’t! The dead...the blood…the smell…the pain. I can’t. Don’t make me,” she sobbed bouncing back and forward. “My people can’t go to war again. I can’t bear to keep them alive anymore. I can’t be Wanheda”. Clarke kept crying and sobbing while repeating the same thing over and over until she slowly calmed down and was barely sobbing in silence. Lexa just sat down next to her offering company without touching her; she didn’t think it was something Clarke would want.

“How do you deal with death so easily?” Clarke’s voice was broken.

“I don’t, Clarke. Death is never easy, it shouldn’t be”.

“I don’t know how to get over what I’ve done”.

“You won’t. Sometimes, we do the wrong things for the right reasons; but we still have to live with the memory of it”.

“I can’t. It hurts too much. I try to forget but it’s always on my mind. I don’t know who I am after what I’ve done. I don’t want to be Wanheda; but I am not Clarke either”. A couple of Clarke’s tears rolled down silently. 

Lexa sighed, “Wanheda is just a name, Clarke. Never forget who you are and praise why you are that because the rest of the people will never forget it”.

“I can’t be like the commander, Lexa,” Clarke said faintly. Lexa was a little confused at Clarke’s separation of the commander from herself. Could Clarke possibly see her and the commander as two different persons?

“This ground has me to be the commander. You don’t have to be that, Clarke”, Lexa offered.

“Then who would I be?” Clarke snorted depressed and frustrated.

“You, Clarke. You are enough”.

“Who is that? The one who leaves her friends out of the dropship to burn? The one who stabs to death the boy who loves her? The one who leaves her people to blow up with a missile? The one irradiates an entire community, including children?” Clarke defied Lexa as if what she had said was the most illogic thing. How could she be herself when she felt like the worst version of a human being?

“Maybe, you could be the one who did all of that so someone else could live,” Lexa affirmed doubtless. She closed her eyes trying to shove away the thoughts that were warning her not to get attached. 

They stayed in silence for a few minutes, Clarke’s breathing was still agitated and she fought away the sobbing now and then, but Lexa thought it was a good sign that Clarke hadn’t fought back at her comment. 

When she felt calmed enough, Clarke lied down on the bed and that was Lexa’s sign to stand up and head to the door until she heard, “Lexa? Would you stay until I fall asleep?” There were a few moments of silent and Clarke added to explain, “it just helps the nightmares”. It was dark, but Clarke could tell Lexa’s shadow when she nodded. She made her way to the table and brought the chair next to Clarke. 

“You may lie on bed. It is big,” Clarke said softly.

“It is your bed, Clarke. I won’t be an intruder”.

“You’re not,” after a few moments of silent hesitation Lexa stood up and climbed on the other side of the bed. 

Clarke had calmed down enough. She was breathing normally, though her brain wouldn’t give her a rest and her body would shiver at times. She was exhausted and was getting sleepy when she felt Lexa starting to climb out of bed; Lexa probably thought that Clarke was asleep already. 

“Don’t go,” Clarke asked in heavy voice, “I don’t want to be alone”.

Even in the darkness of the room, Clarke noticed that Lexa froze for a few second. Clarke wondered why she doubted her answer, Lexa was always firm in her decisions and then she heard, “I will stay”. Lexa climbed back on the bed.

 

________________________________________

 

Lexa woke up to Belas opening the door. She jumped out of bed withdrawing her sword ready to attack. Belas jumped and gasped startled; but Lexa put her sword away when she realized it was Belas, “you must not intrude in a warrior’s chamber in that manner” Lexa said.

“Forgive me, Commander,” Belas lowered her gaze in shame.

“You shall not speak of this morning encounter,” Lexa raised her voice slightly.

“Ja, Heda”.

“What is it that you want?” Lexa’s voice was calmed now, even though she preferred to keep her commanding role at most times with her servants, Lexa trusted Belas very much. It was the one reason that she was asked to care for Clarke’s needs. By now, Clarke was stretching herself awake paying attention to the exchange between the two women.

“I follow your instructions. Wanheda must stay with you at all times of the day. I’m here to prepare her for the day ahead,” Belas excused herself.

Lexa nodded, “I was not aware of the time. Get her ready”. When the servant had disappeared in the bathroom carrying the cart, Lexa turned to Clarke. “Bath and eat. I have to check on my warriors today, you’ll come with me”.

“What if I don’t want to? Your warriors still want to kill me”.

“They will have to suppress their urges under my orders then. This is not a request, Clarke. It is an order. You are to stay under my sight all times”. It was probably the best for Clarke’s protection, but she could never say that to anyone. To Lexa’s people, Clarke was an advantage and that’s how she would refer to her for now. “Be ready when I come back for you,” Lexa said before leaving the room.

When Clarke was ready, she thanked Belas for the bath. She still was cautious around grounders, but Belas seemed a reasonable one and after the words they’ve exchanged, Clarke had to admit she felt more at ease around her. The bath was very enjoyable again, but she kept it short knowing that making the commander wait wouldn’t be a great idea and the meal she got for the day had been quick as well. 

Clarke was lying on bed when Belas came back to pick up the bowls. Silent as ever, Clarke didn’t expect that it would be Belas to speak first, “I hope the meal pleased you, Wanheda”.

“It did. Thank you”. 

“I heard of your two day arrangement,” Belas turned to face Wanheda and Clarke just nodded thinking it was not an arrangement at all. “Our laws are clear, Wanheda, but I wish the spirits will keep you safe as I am grateful for your actions”.

“Your people speak of truth and honor, Belas, but your laws are unfair. You wish to punish me for a crime I didn’t commit”. 

“Your people did,”

“We don’t know that yet,” Clarke counteracted.

“That is true. Forgive me,” Belas bowed her head.

“Even if Matos doesn’t come back, I’d die for somebody else’s truth, not mine, Belas. Is that a great way of living?”

“Maybe it is not, but it is our way,” Belas excused herself grabbing the bowls and the cart in her way out. “Fear nothing if you are honest of heart, Wanheda. The spirits will protect those who deserve it”. Those were the last words the grounder woman offered Clarke before stepping out of the room. 

 

________________________________________

 

It was a bright day and Polis was agitated. Clarke wondered if this is what Polis looked like at the verge of war or it was its normal state. Lexa was talking to the clans’ war chiefs while Clarke was occupied watching at the skilled warriors. No one had confronted her for the time being and since she wasn’t addressed into strategy given her unconfirmed status of enemy, she’d rather space out from the nasty looks towards her; except that just now there had been a reference to her–to Wanheda.

“If you wish to address Wanheda, speak gonasleng,” Lexa ordered to one of the chiefs.

He was a little thinner than the rest of the chiefs or warriors, but his body seemed to be built by nothing else than muscles. The chief glanced at Clarke, but spoke to the commander again, “I have nothing to say to Wanheda, Commander. I do believe it is a risk to let her know of our war strategies”.

“I understand your concern, chief,” Lexa spoke to him and wandered her eyes over other worried faces in the chiefs council. “If it is indeed a threat, it will no longer be after tomorrow. That’s all you need to believe now”.

“I don’t think that is wise, Commander,” he insisted.

Lexa’s face was calmed but visually hardened, “are you questioning me?”

The chief swallowed reconsidering his words, “No, of course not, Commander”. He bowed his head.

Clarke scoffed smirking at the chief.

The chief withdrew his sword pointing at Clarke, “Laugh at your fate, Wanheda, and death will come for you”.

Clarke was angry at grounders, at every raw choice they made defending that was their way. The whole spirit, honor, truth bullshit was stupid and annoying. She was pissed that she had made herself be at their mercy so hell she wasn’t going to be intimidated. Of course, she knew Lexa’s orders were clear and no sane grounder would go against her; so brave enough, Clarke stepped in front of the chief’s sword and placed her neck to brush the blade.

“Go ahead. Bring my fate to me… chief. I’m sure you will enjoy yours after”, Clarke saw the chief glance at Lexa who didn’t even flinch at Clarke’s daring and if Clarke hadn’t been giving her back to Lexa, she would have noticed the slight smirk that crossed Lexa’s face for half a second before she had to take control over the situation. 

“Chief, you know my orders. Do I have to remind them to you?” Lexa’s voice was strong but calmed, as she brushed the grip of her sheathed sword.

The chief stared at Clarke with hate-full ayes and withdrew his sword slowly, “Forgive me, Heda”.

While the chief and Lexa had the exchange, a few voices from the chiefs were heard; many of them talking about the disrespectful manner of Wanheda and some talking about the chief’s defiance to the commander and how he would be dead if they weren’t preparing for war.

Lexa regained the chiefs’ attention, “Shall we continue or should I expect this unacceptable behavior from any of you again?”

The chiefs were silent. They respected their commander and were proud to fight along her. Many of them had mixed thoughts about Wanheda, but the commander was right. In two days, they would know how to proceed, for now Wanheda shouldn’t be their biggest concern. It was the oldest chief who spoke first to continue on the war matters, “Azgeda controls the highest mountains, that gives them viewing advantage. The coalition controls parts of the woods, most around Polis, but Azgeda has won territory”.

“Is that it?” Lexa asked wanting to be informed further over their safe territory.

“The river and the cliffs are ours as well. They are good protection to plan an ambush,” a young woman spoke. She seemed to be the youngest chief, even a few years younger than Lexa and herself, Clarke thought. 

“Are the warriors prepared?” Lexa inquired them all.

“Yes,” the same young warrior chief replied. “The warriors of two clans are coming. We’ll be ready to attack as soon as they arrive”.

“Keep them training and hunting. There will be no delays”. Lexa informed.

All the chiefs nodded as Lexa continued. “If Matos gets back, he will speak only to me,” Lexa searched all of her chiefs with her eyes seeing they didn’t question her request, she added, “leave”. 

Clarke spent the rest of the morning following Lexa around the improvised warrior camp along the woods of Polis. Most of the times, Lexa kept her distance from the training warriors. It was as if she was making mental notes on how to use their individual skills, not that Clarke could see the difference. All of them were strong heart-driven warriors to her. Sure, looking at the training was entertaining and impressive, but how long had they been doing that? Lexa wasn’t training either; she was just standing there as if she was witnessing the most interesting event of her life. Clarke was bored; she had been for a while. 

“Is this all we’re going to do all day?” Clarke asked annoyed.

“All morning,” Lexa replied without setting her eyes on the blonde.

Clarke exhaled in annoyance.

“You should learn to be patient, Clarke,” Lexa added with her eyes still on her warriors.

“I’m hungry. I want to eat,” Clarke wasn’t really that hungry, but she wanted to annoy Lexa.

“You may go ask the hunters for food if you wish,” Clarke was not expecting that come back from Lexa. Of course, Clarke wasn’t going to ask the hunters for food. Clarke knew that. Lexa knew that. So Clarke shut up and embraced her boredom, trying with great effort to focus on the present or her mind would wander through all of her regrets and painful thoughts. 

It wasn’t long after that Lexa broke the silence, not towards Clarke but her warriors. She would often call the leaders of each group and talk to them personally. Clarke overheard a few of the conversations and they were all about sword or fighting techniques. Clarke was surprised of the natural and kind of friendly manner Lexa held with her warriors, it was very different than how she handled herself with the chiefs. Every warrior seemed to have Lexa in high esteem and each of them put her advice to work instantly, often asking for reaffirmation and thanking Lexa. Soon, Clarke noticed Lexa was talking to the youngest warrior she had seen at the camp. The girl shouldn’t have been over 14 years old and was clearly inexpert compared to her fellow warriors. Clarke couldn’t believe how grounders could let this child fight in war. She couldn’t believe Lexa would let this child die in war neither. It’s not like Clarke was expecting high things from Lexa, she was after all a ruthless commander; but Clarke knew Lexa was different than most grounders. Clarke was alive because of Lexa right now. Grounders wouldn’t have waited to know the fate of Matos, they wouldn’t have cared. They wouldn’t have thought about the consequences like she felt Lexa had. Grounders would’ve just sought for revenge. 

“Is that right, Commander?” The girl asked for reassurance.

“Tilt your elbow up further, it will protect your upper body and you’ll attack downwards”, Lexa corrected. The girl stroke her training partner a couple of times with an obviously better technique. “That’s better,” Lexa praised.

“Thank you, Commander,” the girl bowed her head. 

Lexa’s agile sword was drawn in front of the girl as a reply. “Fight, warrior” The commander ordered. Clarke noticed that the young warrior was taken aback over Lexa’s command and she hadn’t reacted. Tearing the air, Lexa’s sword hit the young girl’s blade forcing her to protect herself. “Fight!” Lexa ordered angrily. She was going after the girl with great strength. A small crowd of warriors had gathered to watch the fight and were paying attention to Lexa’s movements in awe while Clarke was disgusted about watching such a young girl in the figure of a warrior. One, two, three strokes and the girl was on the floor and Lexa aimed the sword at the girl’s chest and Clarke felt the urge to step in but faster was the young girl when she reacted and kicked the back of Lexa’s legs sending her to the ground. Rolling over and now up, both women were facing each other. The young warrior gracefully waved her sword towards Lexa who dodged it easily and elbowed the young warrior’s back. The girl who was sweating by now let out a grunt of pain. Her face was already covered in dirt when she ventured a few more tired strokes before Lexa sent the girl’s sword flying away in two swift movements of her own sword as the crowd gasped. Lexa sent her sword away as well and knocked the girl to the ground, but it didn’t last long because the girl sneaked away from Lexa’s grip with a neat hit to her chest. The young warrior was significantly better at body combat than sword combat, but Lexa soon kicked her back to the ground and with her knee pressing on the girl’s chest. Lexa’s elbow hit the warrior’s jaw making it bleed. The combat should be over. The girl was obviously tired, she couldn’t continue with the fight but no one had spoken. It was when Lexa threw another punch that Clarke stepped in, “Enough! Let her go, Lexa!”.

Lexa turned her face around to look at a very concerned Clarke. “Stand up! She can’t breathe!” Clarke yelled at her. Lexa stared at the crowd that was gawking at them before standing up elegantly, and then she offered her hand to the girl on the ground to help her up. Sure, the girl was bruised and physically tired, but Lexa wouldn’t do anything that would endanger her own people. The girl would be fine so Lexa leaned to the girl’s ear. Clarke watched Lexa whisper something to the girl and the young warrior smiled. Why the hell would she be smiling after getting beaten up like that? 

It was time to address the entire crowd that had been watching, but first she asked the young warrior aloud, “Chon yu bilaik?”

“Ai laik Nova kom Trikru,” the girl answered.

“Oso gon raun gon shil choda op. Ai as yu klin gon shil Nova op gon wor bilaik yu don deyon. Ogeda, oso bilaik mou yuj”. Even though Clarke didn’t understand what Lexa was saying, she understood that she was ordering them. Many of them lowered their chins down as they listened which made Clarke think that what Lexa had said was important. When Lexa paused, all the warriors agreed with “Ja, Heda”.

“Glong granplei op!” She ordered at last and the group of viewers was gone. 

Lexa then turned again to the young warrior who was still standing by her side. “Your sister would be proud of you”.

“Thank you, Lexa,” the girl genuinely replied and the commander nodded at her.

Lexa longed her eyes for a few seconds on the warrior in front of her and realized Clarke was still attentively looking at them so she spoke, “Clarke, I’d thank you if you cared for her wounds”. Lexa didn’t wait for a response because she was immediately back to watching over the warriors’ training. 

 

________________________________________

 

“What the hell was all that about!?” Clarke confronted Lexa when they were left alone at lunch time.

Lexa angled her head towards Clarke inquiring what it was that she was referring to, but also as non-spoken demand for Clarke to control her tone of voice.

“You beat that girl up, Lexa,” Clarke’s voice was more concerned than anything this time.

“You shouldn’t worry about my warriors, Clarke,” Lexa dismissed Clarke’s comment.

Clarke frowned and her voice hardened, “she’s only a kid. You can’t possibly think of sending her to war”.

“She’s a warrior and she will fight in war; and you won’t tell me what I can think of,” Lexa replied with a dry and straight voice. Clarke had the ability of making Lexa reconsider her calls, and Lexa wasn’t opposed to that as long it didn’t challenge her leadership. It wouldn’t be acceptable that Lexa let Clarke confront her in front of all the warriors. No one was allowed to question the commander in such arrogant way, Clarke would be no exception. Also, Nova going to war was not something Lexa wanted to discuss. Clarke exhaled furiously, but luckily she dropped the subject and continued eating.

The warriors ate in groups. Clarke noticed that as soon as they had eaten they were back to training. Though, the training had changed into something lighter than the combats from earlier. Soon, Lexa had finished her meal as well, but she didn’t move from her seat instead she occupied herself at eyeing her warriors from the distance. Clarke didn’t bother to hurry up. She was hungry, but her stomach didn’t feel good after seeing the scene with the young warrior so she preferred not eat fast. She was chewing the same bite for the twelfth time when a bald man who was wearing something similar to a dress and looked nothing like a warrior approached. 

“Heda,” he nodded in respect.

Lexa nodded back, “Titus. What is it that you want?” Clarke had noticed Lexa’s change of manner before, with the chiefs, the ambassadors and the warriors; Lexa’s voice was usually strong and demanding when she spoke to the chiefs and ambassadors. This man probably had a similar status, though there was something in Lexa’s voice beyond what Clarke had heard before.

“I apologize for the intrusion, Heda. I came to inform that novitiates are waiting for you to guide the commander’s woredei” The man avoided looking at Lexa’s face

“Take them to the training ground. I will be there soon,” Lexa ordered.

“Ja, Heda”.

The man stared at Clarke with hateful eyes for a couple of seconds before walking away through the training groups and back to the center of the city. That was Clarke’s call to finish her meal. When she was done, Lexa stood up and signaled Clarke to follow her.

“I have to comply with one more duty, then I will take you to your chamber,” Lexa informed her emotionless, but it wasn’t enough for Clarke and for some reason, she wanted to know why they were leaving the training camp if it had been all that Lexa seemed interested on through the whole day. 

“What is woradai?” Clarke asked at once.

“Woredei is a tradition. It’s a spiritual ceremony between the commander and the novitiates before the commander goes to war in case that I die”.

With that explanation, Clarke understood that it wasn’t prudent to ask further right now. She silently followed Lexa back to the center of the city, until they reached what it seemed to be like an outdoor gym. It was a raw version of what they had in the ark, of course in the ark there weren’t swords or knifes or warriors trained to kill. 

 

________________________________________

 

There were seven novitiates, four boys and three girls. The oldest must have been around 13 years old. How could any of these kids become the next commander? The novitiates vowed before Lexa when she entered the training ground. 

“Rise,” Lexa spoke.

The novitiates rose and stood in a firm position. The youngest of them, a girl about 9 years old spoke. “Is she Wanheda?”

Clarke made a disgusted face, still not liking the title. Lexa looked at Clarke then at her novitiates, “She is Clarke of the sky people. She will witness the ceremony. Be respectful and honorable so she will know what a commander stands for and that you deserve to be the next commander”.

“Yes, commander” They all spoke and the oldest of them then spoke alone, “We all would like to offer you our respect for what you’ve done for us”. He gazed straight at Clarke’s eyes for a long second when Clarke realized that he was expecting an answer. 

“I accept them,” Clarke said doubtfully, still confused over the different behaviors she had gotten from grounders.

“Heda, ai gaf koma Wanheda op kom fleimen bradon bilaik yu teik in” (I want to honor Wanheda with a valuable item if you allow), the youngest girl asked Lexa.  
Lexa nodded, “You are allowed”. 

The girl approached Clarke who was trying to keep with what was happening. She took a piece of ornament hanging from her braids and looked up to Clarke. “Choosing to protect your people is always right. We chose. Our commander chose. You chose, Wanheda”. 

The girl extended her hands towards Clarke’s hair and tied the ornament on it. Clarke just nodded in acceptance.

“We must begin,” Clarke heard Lexa’s order. The bald man had a bowl with what seemed like dusted wet charcoal. 

All the novitiates were lined up with a good distance between one and the next. Titus spoke a few trigedasleng words faster than Clarke had heard any grounder speak. When he was done, Lexa reached for the bowl and rubbed on her war paint design around her eyes.

Lexa stood in front of the first and oldest novitiate and spoke, “sen yu fir klir” (Release your fear). After the teenager leaned over to Lexa and whispered a few words, Lexa nodded and dug her fingers in the charcoal. She spreaded the war paint on the novitiate’s face making a circle around his eyes and running her four fingers up his brow and forehead. 

Clarke watched Lexa move to each of the novitiates repeating the same words, listening to whispers, spreading charcoal with different designs until all the novitiates had war paint faces.

There was barely enough charcoal for one more war paint when Lexa reached to it one last time. She squatted and drew a circle with the charcoal on the ground. When she rose, she said “You are free to lead and to fight now. You may go”.  
The novitiates vowed to Lexa one more time and walked away into the tower. Just seconds later, Lexa and Clarke followed.

 

________________________________________

 

After Lexa dropped Clarke in her room, the blonde lied down on bed and thought about the short conversation she had had with the grounder girl Lexa beat up. Nova was grateful to Lexa and told Clarke that everything that had happened was worth it if Lexa was a wise commander. Nova told her that no one deserved it more than Lexa and no one would care for them they way Lexa did. Something in her words seemed to be more familiar than intended like she was talking about so much more than war. A while later Belas came with Clarke’s dinner, the grounder placed the small meal on the night table before asking, “do you wish me to prepare another bath for you, Wanheda?”

Clarke lifted her eyes to Belas who was a harsh and strong woman but Clarke was finally accepting that her will was truthful. “Thank you, Belas. I won’t bath tonight”.   
Belas nodded a walked to the door, but Clarke spoke again before she left the room, “I am sorry”. The grounder turned to Clarke with confusion drawn on her face. “About your daughter,” Clarke explained.

“You don’t have to be sorry,” Belas affirmed.

“I know”.

“I meant about what you did,” Belas explained too and then she left the room.

The words Belas said rang in Clarke’s head repeatedly through the night until she was drifting to sleep, but she kept waking up every few minutes. Her body was feeling warm and sweaty, but she felt cold and heavy. It wasn’t that she was sick, Clarke was sure that it wasn’t that, most of all because of the flashes of painful memories that she kept seeing in her dreams and kept waking her up. Among them, her mother being tortured, the feeling of Finn’s blood on her hand, the burned bodies in mount weather and so on. All of that haunted her sleep and wouldn’t give her rest, how could Clarke not be sorry for it? 

Clarke had just woken herself up again after one of those dreams, she had barely had any rest and her forehead was damp. She needed to get some rest but she didn’t have any salve to help her sleep. Maybe she could ask Lexa for more, though she’d rather be in full capacity on herself. Clarke lingered the thought about the salve, it wasn’t that what helped her sleep. It didn’t have to do with that, Clarke had been always sleeping next to someone when she got a decent night of sleep. She had been sleeping next to Lexa. Clarke got up and out of the room to knock on Lexa’s door. 

It wasn’t dark so Clarke wasn’t worried about Lexa being asleep and when she opened the door Clarke asked without explanation, “May I come in?” Then a surprised Lexa stepped away to let the blonde in. 

“You’re sweating,” Lexa stated.

“My mouth tastes like guilt,” Clarke replied and it was true, the last dream left a metallic flavor on her tongue.

Lexa nodded and watched Clarke sit on an armchair by Lexa’s bed. The brunette did the same on the opposite armchair and silence sunk in until Clarke was nodding off. 

“You should sleep, Clarke,” Lexa suggested. There was again that brief moment in which Clarke could feel a gentle tone in Lexa’s voice.

Clarke blinked a couple of times pushing the tiresome away. “I shouldn’t feel safe around you, but I do. At least to sleep, I… My dreams… they don’t let me sleep by myself,” Clarke admitted and looked away from Lexa.

“Then lie down, Clarke,” Lexa invited.

“You won’t question me?” Clarke asked.

“Should I?”

The bed in Lexa’s room was just as comfortable as the one in Clarke’s room. There was always something electric buzzing around Clarke’s body when Lexa was sleeping next to her, even more now that Clarke had basically requested it, not that she meant anything. Clarke was just using Lexa so she could get some sleep. The thing is that Clarke wasn’t feeling sleepy anymore; her mind was focused on Lexa’s breathing next to her so the blonde thought it’d be smart to get something to distract her mind, something she was actually curious about.

“Tell me about woredei,” Clarke requested.

 

________________________________________

 

On the next day, Lexa and Clarke did pretty much the same. It was training day and the last spare day for Clarke. If Matos didn’t come back by the next morning, Clarke would be dead. Naturally, that was all in Clarke’s head.

“You have been quiet this afternoon, Clarke,” the commander pulled Clarke from her thoughts.

“I thought grounders preferred silence”.

Lexa nodded and stood up from where they had just eaten their meal to check on her warriors’ skills.

 

________________________________________

 

By the time sun had gone down, Clarke and Lexa were walking through the hallway towards their rooms. This time Lexa didn’t stop at Clarke’s door, she led them both into her own. She watched Clarke standing in the middle of the room in silence. Lexa took her armor off and kept her light clothes on, Clarke still wouldn’t say a word.  
“I think I may have mistaken sky crew for talkative people,” Lexa’s tone was rather serious, but she hoped Clarke would take the bait.

“Lexa...” Clarke started dragging the name, “Matos didn’t come back”. There was a slight pout on Clarke’s lips but she hid it right away.

Lexa nodded to let Clarke know she was listening.

“You’re the commander, Lexa. Isn’t there something you can do?” Clarke’s voice was steady but hinted desperation.

“Not for your people,” Lexa walked towards the bed and lied down. 

Lexa watched Clarke get rid of her boots and jacket. Clarke put her hair in a bun and lied next to Lexa. The blonde had been silent all day because she knew that if she spoke it would be to try to convince Lexa not to go to war against her people. That would be a lost effort as she just confirmed. Maybe she’d find a way to go back to her people in time; maybe once Lexa fell asleep she could try to escape. If she could go through the guards without being seen, she would steal a horse and leave polis then she would be one day ahead to warn her people. Her train of thoughts was interrupted by the soft brushing of fingertips on her arm. Clarke felt goose bumps spreading from her arm to the rest of her body. The blonde didn’t question it, the brunette didn’t explain. Lexa’s fingers traced the same path on Clarke’s arm for a while. 

“Sunrise is not her for about eight hours, Clarke,” Once again, Lexa’s tone of voice had that soft tone that Clarke only ever heard when they were alone. 

Clarke turned her body to lie facing Lexa. Her eyes stalled on the green ones in front of her and then traveled down to the curves on Lexa’s face. “You’re right. I still have eight hours… We still have eight hours”. Clarke pinned Lexa under her placing her knees on each side of Lexa’s hips. 

Clarke’s breath was brushing Lexa’s lips, but the commander was frozen. The kiss Clarke placed on Lexa’s lips was rough and full of desire at first, and Lexa was brought back into action when Clarke bit her bottom lip. A warm feeling spread down Clarke’s back when Lexa tangled her fingers on the blondes’ hair to pull her closer. It’d had been long since Clarke’s lips had become a temptation for Lexa and she wanted to enjoy them. Her soft and plump lips took over the kiss slowing it down but making it deeper. After Clarke pulled away out of breath, she ventured her tongue in Lexa’s mouth. It felt like Clarke was trying to get back to the aggressive rhythm she wanted, and maybe that was just too much.

“Stop,” Lexa said gently. 

Clarke’s eyebrows borrowed in confusion while she stared at Lexa inches away from her face. 

“I don’t want to stop. Do you?”

“You deserve better, Clarke,” Lexa reached for Clarke’s hair and brushed it behind her ear, but a very frustrated blonde pulled away from her and lied flat on the bed exhaling loudly.

A knock on the door interrupted what Lexa was about to say, she got off the bed and silently walked to it. 

A muffled trigedasleng conversation was on the back ground and Clarke knew that this wasn’t good. The commander hadn’t once been bothered in her room this late at night. 

Lexa closed the door and walked towards her armor. Before she started putting it on, she turned to the expecting blonde. “I’m sorry, Clarke,”

 

________________________________________

 

“You don’t even know if your warriors are saying the truth, Lexa,” Clarke questioned her.

“Don’t dare to call us liars, Wanheda,” Indra shouted at her.

“Enough,” Lexa raised her hand to shut both women. “Indra, get the ambassadors,” she ordered.

Clarke stepped towards Lexa as Indra left the throne room, “Lexa, please. I can help. Let me help him”. Clarke signaled towards the body lying on the floor. 

Clarke knew the conditions and even if Lexa wanted, she wouldn’t stop the death council. “Lexa! He’s breathing and he has a pulse. He’s one of your warriors. I can help him”.

“He WAS one of my warriors. He made his choice, you can’t help that,” Lexa raised her voice. 

The throne room door opened letting in all the remaining clans’ ambassadors in the room. 

“Ambassadors,” Lexa used her leader voice, “I’ve been informed that Matos will not come back to us. I sent him to the mountain where his fight ended, and I will avenge him. This mountain is ruled by different leaders. Sky leaders”.

Muffled angry voices filled the room, and Clarke knew that if she didn’t act know, she wouldn’t stand a chance. “You don’t know the truth, Lexa. This man does and I can save him.   
Why are you so afraid about letting me save him?” Clarke threatened Lexa. 

“This man earned his death long ago,” Lexa shouted.

“And you will let me earn my death through a lie. That wasn’t my choice. Let me save him,” Clarke demanded to the ambassadors, “and then I will have made a choice”.

“NO!” Lexa confirmed and the ambassadors seemed to support her with nodding heads. 

“You really are afraid of what he has to say, aren’t you? You’re afraid that he will say your people are doomed because there is no way you’ll survive this war. You’re afraid of feeling weak!” Clarke attacked Lexa again.

Lexa’s anger rose and she seemed a hundred times bigger to Clarke, but she didn’t break. “Give Clarke her gun now!” Lexa shouted the least expected words.

Before the gun was handed to Clarke, Lexa took it in hers and with some effort she got rid of the extra bullet leaving just one in. 

Lexa breathed in trying to get back her serenity. “One bullet, Clarke kom skaikru. This is your choice,” the commander placed the gun on Clarke’s hand.

Clarke was confused and looked at Lexa in expectation and anger. 

“Kill this man and you’ll leave Polis safe with the chance to warn your people of our attack,” the ambassadors raised their voices in disagreement but the commander shut them up by raising her hand without unlocking her eyes from Clarke’s. Then she continued “or kill yourself and we’ll let this man live until he delivers his message, then he dies”. 

“You can’t be serious,” Clarke begged.

Lexa just nodded with empty eyes looking back at Clarke. 

The blood in Clarke’s veins was boiling. Maybe she should’ve killed Lexa when she had the chance; maybe she was the one who was weak. Clarke clenched her teeth and raised her gun aiming to Lexa’s head, “what if I kill you instead?” Lexa’s guards withdrew their swords but Lexa stopped them again with her hand. 

“My people will go to war against yours and every prisoner caught alive will suffer the same death you would. Death by one cut for each one of my warriors and this time there would be no commander to finish it. It takes as long as it takes”. 

“GO FLOAT YOURSELF!!!” There was no way in which Clarke was going to break and follow Lexa’s unmerciful ways. Clarke pulled the trigger, the noise invaded the room. She even noticed Lexa dunking slightly for half a second. The bullet went past Lexa and hit the head of the throne. The blonde dropped the gun on Lexa’s feet. 

“You’ve made your choice”.

She glanced and her guards and ordered, “take them away”. 

The commander then addressed her ambassadors, “the death council will be at midday tomorrow, we part to the sky crew and ice nation border after it’s done”.

All the ambassadors nodded without complain at the commander’s orders and Lexa had a lot to think about so she dismissed them without further announcements.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, people. How have you been? Sorry for being away for a while. Like I told you, I went on a trip and when I came back I had problems with my internet and when I fixed, I just couldn't get in the web site. Hope you enjoy this, I made it longer to make it up to you all. 
> 
>  
> 
> “Chon yu bilaik?” - Who are you?
> 
> “Ai laik Nova kom Trikru" - I am Nova of Trikru
> 
> “Oso gon raun gon shil choda op. Ai as yu klin gon shil Nova op gon wor bilaik yu don deyon. Ogeda, oso bilaik mou yuj” -  
>  We fight to protect each other. I expect you will protect Nova at war unlike you did today. Together, we are stronger
> 
> “Glong granplei op!” - Join training!
> 
> "woredei” - War custom


	11. They're not my people

The grounder warriors shoved them both into the cell. The wounded man was dropped on the cold floor which caused the man to grunt in pain. Clarke was raging in fury trying to get out, but the grounders knocked her down before closing the cell. The iron bars took the rest of Clarke’s anger. She kicked and punched until it hurt. Her forehead slid down the bars and Clarke cried in frustration. 

“C-Clarke?” A faint voice coming from the man called her attention.

Blue eyes turned to see him and Clarke wiped the tears off. “Alright, I can do this,” she told him and he nodded.

“Here, bite this,” Clarke ripped a piece of his own jacket and put it between his teeth. Her hand brushed his cheek and wiped the sweat off his forehead. It was burning, the fever was too high. Clarke knew he wasn’t going to last more than a few days, not like this. 

The man seemed to know his fate, but he looked willing to live just a while longer and Clarke knew exactly why. Nevertheless, the sky girl spoke, “your fever is too high, you know that?” and the man nodded. “This will hurt,” she brushed the man’s wound along his hipbone. Clarke pressed on its sides and blood oozed out. It wasn’t much, so Clarke knew that that wasn’t the problem at all. He wasn’t losing a lot of blood, but the wound was severely infected. There were no tools to work with, that meant Clarke would have to fetch for the bullet inside with her hand. The wound wasn’t in a critical spot; it had gone in the left hip towards the side of the lower torso. The problem was that she couldn’t stabilize the infection and that would kill him.

Clarke dug her fingers in the wound after commanding him to bite the piece clothe. The man puffed, panted and writhed in pain while Clarke’s fingers poked and pushed through his flesh. The bulled slipped on Clarke’s fingers which were covered in blood. She was unable to retrieve it and she touched his torso side again. It was there, she could feel the bullet from the outside. Maybe, she could try to get it out from the other side. Having nothing else to work with, she grabbed a small rock and sharpened its edge against the wall. It would be enough to cut the skin right under the bullet and she did.

She pushed on the bullet leaning her whole weight on the man. Blood pooled all over the man’s stomach. It soaked Clarke’s clothes and the man was writhing in pain, but then he stopped puffing and Clarke knew he was in shock. His pulse was slow and he wasn’t breathing. If Clarke didn’t take the bullet out it wouldn’t matter if she saved him. The sky girl felt the bullet moving until it went through the small incision she had cut. By the time it was out, his pulse was completely gone. Clarke acted quickly and started to resuscitate him. She rhythmically pressed on his chest downwards and opened his mouth blowing air into his lungs. 

“C’MON!!” She yelled at him. “You’re a grounder! FIGHT!!” Clarke pressed harder on his chest. The man lied on the floor. He wasn’t puffing in pain anymore, he was gone, but Clarke wasn’t about to accept that yet.

The sky girl pressed harder and faster on his chest. It wasn’t enough strength. “Not you,” she kept repeating. She rose on her knees and thrust her elbow against his chest, and it worked. The man gasped for air twice before puffing in pain again and Clarke thought that she hadn’t been happier about seeing someone in pain.

“Damn it,” she cursed herself about forgetting the wound. The blood pool was significantly bigger when she quickly applied pressure on his wound. 

The man coughed for some longs minute and finally when he could barely articulate words, he questioned her with effort, “You should’ve killed me”.

“You heard,” Clarke realized that even though he was almost completely unconscious, he had heard everything. “I couldn’t do the same to a friend again, Lincoln. And, you’re gonna be alright. Stay awake, ok? I need you to stay awake. You have a lot to tell me”.

The man nodded. “Clarke, listen,” he said rushing but coughing in the process.

“Keep talking, but don’t rush. Stay awake. You can’t fall asleep, not right now. You’ve lost a lot of blood,” a worried Clarke reassured him that she was listening. 

 

________________________________________

 

Morning light approached by the hour. With every minute that passed, Clarke blamed herself for ever leaving her people. Everything she had heard, everything that had happened, it was all her fault. If only she had been there, maybe she could have kept this from happening. Her people did deserve death, at least part of them. She couldn’t stand to watch that happen though, but anyway, she looked up through the cracks in the wall into the early sunrise, she wouldn’t have to. 

She had done terrible things. Her people had done terrible things and Clarke wasn’t sure if they had really paid for them, or if they were even worthy enough of having survived all they’d done. But that didn’t matter anymore; tomorrow it would all be over for her, it’d be over for this man who had shown her there was more to being a grounder too. It’d soon be over for her people too. Or not, they risked everything to come down to earth and live. Her people wouldn’t surrender, not Raven, Octavia, Bellamy, her mom. If Raven had done what Clarke asked her to, then they maybe had a chance at surviving. The question is who would they become? What had she asked Raven to become? 

When Clarke was alone with her thoughts, those were the times she sank deeply in the darkest corner of herself where she believed that she was relieved and even glad about not being there to die with them, about not being there to watch them die, about not being there to watch them survive. She would be glad about just not being there.

A voice interrupted the heavy silence. “Wanheda,” the voice was barely a whisper. The clicking noise of the cell opening made Clarke rise to her feet. Standing in front of her was a woman.

“What are you doing here, Belas?” A confused Clarke asked.

“Wanheda, you must go now. Hurry! You can’t be in Polis when the sun rises,” a very determined Belas spoke and gave Clarke two packages. 

“Why are you helping me? You said this was your people’s way,” Clarke argued distrustful. Even if Belas had shown her she was one to be trusted, Clarke couldn’t stop thinking that it might be a trap. 

“Sometimes the spirits require you to let them act through you, Wanheda,” Belas stared at Clarke’s blue eyes. “There isn’t much time. I got you a horse, your gun and one day of food in the packages. You must leave now!” 

“I won’t leave him,” Clarke informed her without a doubt.

“He won’t survive the ride,” Belas replied.

“I-We have to try,” Clarke admitted and Belas did not argue back. Instead, she helped the man up waiting for Clarke to hold him on the other side and carry him out. 

On their way out, Clarke saw the grounder guards passed out on the floor which seemed to be Belas doing. The blonde was immensely grateful to this grounder that was going against her people to save her, but she kept wondering why. Belas appeared to agree with Lexa’s decision the last few days. What had changed? Clarke couldn’t stop questioning if Belas was just leading her to a trap, but for what? She was already sentenced to death and they knew where to find her people and if they wanted to use her against them, they wouldn’t do it like this.

Finally, they were out without any inconvenience and both Lincoln and Clarke were up on the horse. Before they took off, Clarke had to ask her, “Why are you betraying them?”  
“I don’t think I am betraying my people, Wanheda, but I know my people won’t understand that we do this for our own survival too,” Belas calmly replied unaffected by Clarke’s questioning.

“May we meet again,” Clarke decided not to waste more time. Belas nodded and watched the horse disappear into the thick woods leading out of Polis.

The first time Clarke turned her head around, Polis was not in sight anymore. They had been riding for a couple of hours now and Clarke had slowed down the pace because the horse got obviously tired. The river was close and they needed to stop there so the horse could drink, they only had enough water for them. But she didn’t want to stop for long, Lincoln’s wound must have gotten more infected as he’d been exposed to dirt and sweat without any meds to treat it. He was getting hotter and hotter. 

“You should’ve left me back there,” he said sensing what Clarke was thinking after she dismounted the horse and led it close to the river edge.

“I’ve done a lot of things to maintain peace between my people and her, but nothing is enough. I can’t keep doing it. I won’t sacrifice my people anymore. Leaving you to die would be one more thing that would be on me, more blood on me. More of my people would hate me,” Clarke started ranting holding back her anger. 

“Sacrifice is necessary. You’ve kept your people alive,” he said with effort. 

Clarke scoffed, “you sound just like her”.

“You know it is true, but not all the time, and not for everybody. You’re people look up to you because they see that you’re wise. You were born to make these tough choices,” Lincoln spoke very slow but steady. “Just like her… That’s what Lexa-the commander saw in you, Clarke”. 

Clarke confronted him with her eyes daring him to continue. She was nothing like Lexa, she wasn’t like what everyone expected her to be. She wasn’t the one who would make the call and kill him because that was Lexa’s way. The hell she would follow her way. 

The horse had drunk enough and Clarke found some berries that it could eat, she decided to let it rest while they ate some of the food Belas packed. It didn’t last long; before the sun was completely up high, they were back on the path to Mount Weather. This time the horse was riding at a steadier pace controlled by Clarke. She wanted to continue as long as she could, but she didn’t want to exhaust the horse and be forced to walk. They both agreed that they should find shelter before the sun set that night, but would pick up the pace for the last hour of light. That plan would get them just about eight hours away which they would ride the next day. 

So then, by night they were sitting down and eating pieces of very salty and not at all appetizing dried meat. Clarke had also collected some berries for them and the horse. It took her a while, but she managed to set up a fire inside the cave. Clarke noticed that Lincoln barely touched his food, not that she ate much herself, but he probably wasn’t eating because of the infection and he was also sweating a lot. 

She moved closer to where he was laying down and checked his temperature on his forehead. It was boiling temperature; she admired how strong he was to go through it without complaining. Though he barely opened his eyes to acknowledge what Clarke was doing. When she checked the wound, she knew what she had to do at least for now. It had formed a giant bubble filled with intense yellow pus. 

“I have to burst it open,” she informed him, “and I have to burn it”. 

He closed his eyes already in pain for what was ahead, but accepted by nodding. Clarke proceeded to heat up her knife on the flames. 

 

________________________________________

 

It was dark and the hallway was long. Clarke was walking without a clue about where she was going or where she was, when she tripped on a giant puddle of something liquid and warm. Her pants got soaked, but she got up and cleaned her hands on her shirt before continuing down the hallway. Her pants made her feel heavier and they were dripping whatever substance she was covered in. The hallway seemed to get narrower with every step. Her warm pants were burning and suffocating her, and her shirt was feeling wetter and wetter. It was probably sweat, but it was so heavy. Finally, there was a turn on the hallway, and right after it, there was a two-side door. It felt familiar and anxiety downed on Clarke’s mind. She walked closer to it, even though she wanted to walk away from it. She felt sticky, wet and heavy. All of her was dripping, he pants were soaked and so was her shirt now. Even her hands resting on the side of her body were dripping the substance from earlier. She was sure that it wasn’t just sweat now. She turned the handle and opened the door. She walked in as the space got clearer. Light seemed to be filling the room, but it was gray and dim. There was a blackboard and some desks, some shelves and posters on the wall too. It was a classroom.

“Do you feel it, Wanheda?” a tiny voice asked.

Clarke turned around to see the now occupied desks with little children staring blankly at the board. 

“Who are you?” she asked confused and afraid 

“Do you feel it?” the boy in the corner asked without turning his head, “the blood?”

There were a couple of seconds of silence before the boy pointed out, “You’re covered in it. How could you not? Have you even forgotten the smell?”

Clarke couldn’t move nor answer. Her feet felt as if they were nailed to the floor. Tears started pouring down her face, but they weren’t just tears. It was blood. The substance she was covered in. Her face and body were sweating blood down her eyes and nose and lips, coming into her mouth, faster and faster when they boy spoke answering Clarke’s previous questions, “I’m Dean”. “Steve,” the boy next to him spoke. “Noah,” spoke the next. Nicole. Ashley. Spencer. Chris. Andrew. Sara. Ricky. Emily. Tommy. The children repeated the names and each time, Clarke felt weaker. She couldn’t do anything, she couldn’t move, she couldn’t scream, she couldn’t yell at them to stop. All she felt was pain, and then she woke up coughing and panting with puffy wet eyes. 

“Hello, Clarke,” an unbothered Lexa sat on a wood chuck and offered a cup of water. “Drink”.

The sweating blonde, surprised by Lexa’s presence, reached for her gun but it wasn’t there. Lexa offered the cup again, and Clarke took it distrustful of the commander. She glanced at her companion and her heart stopped for a second when she realized he was laying too peacefully, maybe Lexa had killed him. Sensing, Clarke’s fear, the commander interrupted. “He’s alive”. Clarke looked back at her. “For now”, Lexa added.

“How did you find me?”

“You’ve never been adequate to hide in these woods, Clarke”. Clarke remembered that it was true. Even before, Lexa had always known she was in the woods and even left food back for her. 

“Go float yourself!” Clarke answered in anger.

The commander rose annoyed and walked towards the exit of the cave. “My army with the ambassadors will be here in two days. You’ve been warned”. 

Clarke cursed to herself. Belas helping her was too good to be true. The blonde watched the commander disappear into the darkness of the night and heard her talking to her guards. There were at least two. 

 

________________________________________

 

Maybe if they hadn’t stopped at night, they’d be in Mount Weather now. It didn’t matter anymore. Lexa caught up with them and there was no way out of the cave without being seen. In two days, they would die.

Lexa didn’t come in the cave for the next couple of hours. It was a cold dark night only lightened up by the fire in the cave. Lincoln seemed to get better at times, but Clarke knew that without antibiotic he could only last so many days, not that he would be given the chance to try.

“Talk to her, Clarke. She listens to you,” Lincoln spoke as Clarke wiped his forehead. 

“I have. All the commander cares about is what her people want,” Clarke answered bitterly.

“So do you,” he reminded her faintly, just before Clarke gave him some water to drink.

Clarke sat on the floor and drank some water herself while thinking if there was anything she could do to change this situation, thinking if maybe Lincoln was right and talking to Lexa again was worth a shot. 

War was declared against her people. Lincoln was dying and she had a death sentence. The blonde decided talking to Lexa couldn’t make things worse, so she walked out of the cave slowly without intending to startle the commander or the other grounders outside, not that it was possible. 

Both grounders on each side of the cave attempted to withdraw their swords, but Lexa signaled with her hand and they put the steel back in their sheath.  
“Commander,” Clarke nodded.

“Clarke,” Lexa returned the greeting staring into Clarke’s eyes. 

The serenity of the night took over for long minutes. No one spoke. The breeze and wild animals were the only sounds heard, but Clarke also thought she could hear Lexa’s breathing. She knew it well. Clarke knew its rhythm after all those nights sharing a bed with her. 

Slowly, all the other sounds faded away. Clarke could only hear Lexa’s breathing. It made her anxious and her heart started racing. 

“Clarke!” Clarke felt Lexa’s stare on her and spaced back in the moment. “I said we both know you have something to say”. Clarke noticed the two grounders on the side of the cave were gone. They probably had been for a while by the commander’s order. 

The blonde nodded and decided to cut short, “Mount Weather is closer than your army. We could go and come back before they’re here, then you would have seen it by yourself”.  
“Your people might have a trap waiting for me Clarke, I can’t do that”.

“They won’t”.

“Do you trust that? them?

“Yes. I have to,” Clarke admitted.

“You protect them more than they respect you,” Lexa dug.

“I thought that was why you were at war”

The blonde thought she could have seen the hint of a smile on Lexa’s mouth, but it was gone too fast to be sure.

Lexa raised her head and replied, “As you wish, Clarke”. Then she turned her face to look at Clarke, “nothing has changed”. 

Clarke was about to head back in the cave to check on Lincoln when Lexa made her duck with her next to the bushes. Dark shadows ran through the woods. They heard the dull sound of a body hitting the ground. Seconds later, another grounder was ducking next to them. 

She whispered, “we must leave now commander”.

“We can take them,” Lexa argued. 

“Too many”

Lexa nodded and stared at Clarke. If she disagreed, things could turn out badly. 

“I can’t leave him, Lexa”

“You can and you will, Clarke,” She looked hardly into the blonde’s eyes.

Clarke clenched her teeth, but she knew Lexa was right. “I need a second,” she said and sneaked in the cave. 

It wasn’t long that she had been inside, but they couldn’t waste time so Lexa went in to look for her. Clarke was crouching down next to Lincoln when Lexa interrupted them. Clarke nodded to Lincoln and left all of her provisions by his side. 

“Commander,” he called. 

Lexa barely laid her eyes on him, but he called again. “Beja,” he said.

Clarke walked out knowing that it was none of her business, but she saw Lexa crouching down next to Lincoln by the corner of her eye. 

 

________________________________________

 

The Ice Nation camps were around so they had to be alert. Temis and Soyer, the grounders whose names she heard Lexa use, had joined a while ago. They informed the other two Ice Nation scouts were down and left to check the perimeter. They were gone and back several times without Clarke being able to notice a sound. The woods were getting darker, but they should get to the mountain soon enough.

Temis and Soyer had just gone and Clarke stayed close to Lexa trying to step lightly. Lexa held Clarke’s hand tight in hers and pulled her closer, “you must stay quiet, step where I do, Clarke”. Lexa kept going but didn’t let go of Clarke’s hand, occasionally pulling her to continue walking faster. “Lexa, you don’t have to pull me around like a child”. Clarke said after a while of Lexa holding her hand, and Lexa let go. They both knew that they needed to get there tonight; the Ice Nation could attack them anytime soon, but…there was something Clarke had to say before her all her people would regret it. 

“My people attacked your villages, Lexa,” Clarke had been trying to articulate the words for a while.

Lexa didn’t react to it. She didn’t speak nor did she look at Clarke for a long while. They had been walking on a quick but silent pace; and all that Clarke could hear was her own and Lexa’s breathing. Finally, the silence made Clarke unnerved. Lexa’s absence of reaction made her anxious. It couldn’t be good and her mind started fading away. She had to get to her people soon. What was of them? What kind of responsibility lay on Raven’s back? Did she make Raven do something she would regret? She couldn’t leave them alone in this one. Clarke was lost inside the dark part of her mind when she felt Lexa’s hand cover her mouth and push her aggressively to the ground. It had been a swift movement, so she hadn’t had time to react to it. Was Lexa attacking her for what she had admitted? Was she going to kill her right then? But then she looked into the commander’s eyes. She wasn’t attacking her, Lexa removed her hand from Clarke’s mouth and made a silence signal with her index finger. Lexa’s weight laid on Clarke’s left side of the body, and she was warm even though the evening was getting cold. She didn’t understand why they were laying on the ground until after almost a minute had past. That’s when she heard voices coming far from the trees. The voices became clearer as they got closer. 

“Traitor!” Someone spat on the ground. “My commander will defeat your queen,” it was Temis who spoke. 

“You came from this direction, I saw you.” A voice shouted. The sound of a sword being taken out of its sheath was heard. “Will you die for her?” The same voice mocked.

The same voice among others were heard demanding answers, but all Temis did was insult them and call them traitors. Clarke also heard faint complaints that she was sure sounded similar to Lincoln’s complaints when they tortured him. Clarke closed her eyes for a few seconds trying to push away the thought of having hurt Lincoln, the man who fought with them and trade his loyalty to his people to save sky people, Octavia’s people; the man she had just left in a cave to die alone. Clarke thought she heard Soyer too, which at least meant he was alive too. “Won, tu, thri, fou, fai, sis” Clarke heard Lexa mumble then she saw her withdraw her sword. “Stay down” Lexa ordered her before stepping away with no sound. By the time Clarke hard turned around Lexa had sliced two of the warriors’ throats and had four swords pointing at her. Surprisingly the warriors went mute, their eyes were drifting around crazily and scared. They had not expected the commander to be there, that was for sure and they looked like they had seen a ghost. Lexa attacked one of them and dug her sword in his chest as she gracefully avoided the other warriors’ swords, but caught the next one with her sword almost instantly. The remaining two warriors were twice as big as Lexa each. 

The sword fight seemed to be getting Lexa exhausted and Clarke’s heartbeat raced when a warrior cut her ribs and blood started coming out, so Clarke ran to Temis and Soyer who were lying on the floor, ankles and wrists tied. She undid Soyer’s wrists knot, and moved to Temis’s while he released his ankles. Before she got to undo Temis’s knot she felt a kick on her back crushing her to the ground. She had been hit with a lot of strength and cut her lip when her face hit the ground. When she turned her head she saw Lexa on the ground, one of the warriors was attacking her, but her sword was a couple of feet away from her. 

“Turn to die,” the warrior who was crushing her demanded. But suddenly, the weight wasn’t crushing her anymore. When she looked up the warrior was on the ground fighting  
Soyer who was strangling him and Lexa was digging her sword out of the last warrior. She had blood all over her armor, face and hands; the warriors’ blood and her own. 

“Lexa, you’re bleeding” Clarke jumped at her, instantly ripping off a piece of her shirt improvising a bandage around Lexa’s ribs.

“That was not necessary,” Lexa said after Clarke was done.

“It was,” Clarke affirmed. “We need to get to my people now.”

“That won’t be possible. Grab them”. Clarke was interrupted by a group of ten men with bigger guns that she had ever seen. The men wore some sort of green, brown and beige uniform and also wore war paint, but theirs was green. 

“I believe they are those of your people who killed mine,” Lexa assumed full of despise without looking at Clarke.

“They’re not my people, Lexa.” Clarke said realizing who they were.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, people! Sorry for taking so long to update. My excuse is I'm graduating in November! Yay! So no regrets!! ^^ I hope you enjoyed this one.


	12. On the edge of who we'll be

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Gyon op" - Get up
> 
> "Gona, gyon op nau" - Warrior, get up now
> 
> "Ai gonplei ste odon, heda. Wigod ai op" - My fight is over, commander. Forgive me.
> 
> “Gyon op, nau!! Gona nou set daun, osir throu daun gon wamplei!” - Get up, now! Warriors don't give up, we fight to death.

They had walked for hours blindfolded, often tripping and falling to the ground as they were being pulled. Lexa was tied in the middle, between Temis and Clarke. Soyer had taken off before the men in green appeared. Hopefully, he’d be long gone, but he would be telling these men were Clarke’s people. The morning breeze was hitting their skin when they stopped. Clarke heard them moving something heavy with effort, someone undid her knots and pushed her to walk a few steps. The empty feeling of falling filled her stomach, but before she could’ve thought of a crashing death, her knees hit the ground roughly. As soon as she landed, she took her blindfold off watching how Lexa was pushed in after her. Even though, Lexa wouldn’t show it, Clarke saw the pain in her eyes. She’d lost enough blood to feel weak. “She needs medical attention,” Clarke did not beg, but she spoke loud and clear.

“Then be her doctor, blondy” she heard before a great rock was dragged to cover the hole they were in, there was barely a flash of night light coming in from one of its edges. Temis was kept blindfolded and outside with them.

“Damn it!!” Clarke yelled frustrated. “Damn it!!” Clarke screamed repeatedly. 

The hole they were in seemed to be part of a mountain. Its walls were raw stone and the floor was just dirt. It was cold and dry, and Lexa knew it must had been a location in the Ice Nation’s territory. 

The commander didn’t attempt to interrupt Clarke. When Clarke had tired her share of cursing, then she noticed that Lexa hadn’t taken off her blindfold.

Lexa was sitting down knees to her chin. Clarke reached to her and moved her legs, so she could check the cut by her ribs. For some reason, Clarke didn’t untie her nor took the blindfold off. The bandage was still red, that meant blood was flowing. The walk must have kept the cut from scabbing, so she didn’t change the bandage yet. Clarke ran her fingers on Lexa’s toned abdominal muscles discovering a good share of scars. 

It was after Clarke’s hand brushed up Lexa’s body and on her face when the commander spoke, “untie me, Clarke”. Clarke’s hand stopped. “We must escape soon or not only we will die”.

Clarke did as told and gently took the blindfold off the brunette’s eyes. “Lexa, these people are dangerous. That symbol in their uniform, I’ve seen it before.” Clarke paused and stared into Lexa’s eyes, her worry was showing, “They are something called project ARES. They’re not like your people or mine, not even like the mountain men. They are from the time when the civilization was destroyed… and they might be responsible for it”.

“No one lives that long,” Lexa wasn’t altered by Clarke’s news.

“They can and they have,” Clarke answered. 

“Even if they were, radiation would kill them,” Lexa reminded Clarke.

“There are ways to survive radiation… I know that.” Clarke continued, “Lincoln told me, my people have a prisoner of theirs inside Mount Weather”. 

“Should I believe you speak the truth, Clarke?” Lexa questioned plainly.

“Yes,” the blonde stated.

Lexa nodded and the articulated carefully, “Seek higher things, Clarke”. 

“What?” Clarke was confused at Lexa’s statement.

Becca Pramheda’s words. Destruction was described by her. today I choose to fight that destruction than give my world away to those who don’t belong in it”. Lexa drilled her eyes on Clarke’s, “The question is Clarke of the sky people, do you want to belong? Will your people fight to deserve it?”

“All I’ve done is trying to avoid my people going to war against yours. They’re not prepared to battle,” Clarke answered. “You can’t expect my people to fight on your side now, after wanting to wipe us out so many times,” Clarke felt mocked by Lexa’s implication.

“You said you had a prisoner in Mount Weather. You are already at war. Fighting together we are stronger and your people and my people can live. You can fight with my people or fight alone,” the brunette spoke with no hesitation.

“You can’t be serious!” Clarke yelled at Lexa. “You left me in Mount Weather, all you cared for was your own people. You left me to die. You can’t expect my people to fight with you again. You are a traitor and false. This, what you’re saying, is bullshit. Together, we are stronger!!! You chose to let those who slaughtered your people for decades live, and save your own people while mine was left to be the ones slaughtered”.

“I live for my people, Clarke. Don’t you live for yours?”

“You don’t live, Lexa. You survive,” Clarke attacked her.

“You think we deserve more than just surviving, but we need to survive if we want to live.” Lexa said calmly. 

Clarke laid her head against the wall and closed her eyes to rest and sighed. She didn’t talk back in a while, but finally spoke “just let me clean your wound,” Clarke said annoyed at Lexa.

“I’m alright, Clarke” Lexa said, but she immediately heard Clarke ripping off a piece of her shirt again. 

It had already gotten so dark that Clark couldn’t see Lexa’s skin, so she reached for her stomach and gently brushed her fingers up her ribs. Her fingers moved gently on her skin searching for the wound when Clarke felt Lexa shivering and she stopped moving her fingers. “Does it hurt?”

“No, I… I’m fine, Cl… Clarke.” Lexa gasped for air twice.

The wound wasn’t too deep, but without proper cleaning Clarke was afraid it could get infected. She cleaned the wound and the dried blood carefully with the old blackened bandage. She saved it inside her pants and wrapped the new bandage around the wound. They both were silent while Clarke did so, but Clarke could notice how Lexa’s breathing got a little agitated. She tried to be as gentle as possible but Lexa still seemed unsettled. 

“It should be fine” Clarke said finally, more hoping than affirming.

“Thank you, Clarke.”

“Are you ok?”

“I will be.”

Clarke nodded though she was aware that Lexa wouldn’t see her. She breathed heavy once and called, “Lexa?”

“Yes, Clarke?”

“I don’t want to just survive, Lexa”

“I know.”

Clarke laid her head against the wall again and tried to push away her anger. She stared at the darkness for as long as she could avoid thinking of anything, of anyone; until her head started hurting and she closed her eyes. Lexa didn’t make one sound.

 

________________________________________

 

Lexa woke up when she felt pain on her ribs. She opened her eyes to feel herself grounded even if she couldn’t see anything, then she realized that a warm body was laying almost on top of her. It was Clarke. She was snuggling Lexa. What? How had that happened? Lexa’s heart quickened, and her breathing got deep and slow. Clarke smelled amazing, natural and refreshing. She smelled like the scented flowers Lexa liked to use when she washed herself. Clarke seemed to be in a heavy sleep, but it was surprisingly quiet. The blonde seemed to be resting unlike all those other nights which had been full of nightmares. Lexa didn’t often feel guilty, but she knew that in part she had been responsible for her nightmares. Death was all that Lexa had brought to Clarke. Lexa shivered at Clarke’s breathing by her neck and the movement reminded her of the pain by her ribs; Clarke’s arm was pressing on her wound, so she gently brushed her fingers down her arm and held her hand. Clarke’s fingers were cold. Lexa wrapped her fingers with hers trying to give them some warmth and slid Clarke’s arm away from her wound. At least even if they were prisoners, Clarke would sleep well enough tonight. Clarke’s fingers were warming up tangled in Lexa’s when the brunette fell back asleep.

 

________________________________________

 

“Clarke,” Lexa spoke softly but serious, “wake up”.

Clarke got startled and woke up hyperventilating.

“Clarke!” Lexa said worriedly, “Are you ok?”

“I’m fine,” Clarke just complained a little.

Lexa nodded and spoke with determination, “it’s time to plan our fight”.

 

\-----------------------------------

 

“Are you sure it has been done, Clarke?” Lexa’s voice was full of disdain.

“Yeah,” Clarke’s voice seemed to weight in her mouth thinking of what she had asked raven to do back then. “It was supposed to be for our protection. Your people are unpredictable… you are,” Clarke let that skin in before continuing. “It might be our only chance against Ares’s survivors”.

“Your people are cowards. You don’t fight like warriors,” Lexa yelled at Clarke. “My people would have suffered that from your hands”. 

“My people… I… have been suffering from your people’s hands since we landed here. You think your way is the only way, but you despise life and uphold injustice to claim blood,” Clarke attacked.

“My people will prefer to die in battle and I will die with them” Lexa was angry, frustrated, and yes surprised that it had been Clarke who gave the order. 

“Then they will, all of us will… Ares wont’ fight fairly”

 

\-----------------------------------------

 

Lexa knew Clarke was right, but her people knew better than to let hate consume them during battle. “We rely on your people for our survival as well as you rely on my people for the numbers. That’s all they’ll understand,” Lexa held Clarke’s gaze.

“Your people won’t listen to that. If it is not your command, your people and mine will always be at war”. Clarke begged, “we must fight together, but there has to be another way”.

“There is no other way nor we will like this one, Clarke.” 

“How do I know you or I will be safe if we do that? Your people and my people both need you. If you die… I can’t do this without you, Lexa. I… need you,” Clarke demanded her.

“You don’t,” Lexa fixated her green eyes on blue ones. Lexa meant to say that it was possible that she would die, but she also knew Clarke didn’t need her. 

 

\---------------------------------------------

 

Clarke had checked Lexa’s wound a few times and it seemed to be healing well and fast. Light had come hours ago, and it had been gone for some hours already. Clarke wasn’t asleep this time, but she was holding Lexa tight, which was surprising not only because of the act in itself, but because of al the anger explosions lazily contained in their previous conversations. 

Lexa heard a question break the rhythm of their quiet breathing. “What if you die?”

Lexa took a deep breath before answering, “then my people and your people will have to find a way to survive. Maybe together, maybe not, but my duty is to give my people a chance and this is it, Clarke”.

“It’s not that simple. It’s not just one chance that we need,” Clarke replied.

“Seek higher things, Clarke. My people survived fire, nature, the mountain men; even your people have. We will survive Ares,” Lexa spoke without a trace of doubt in her voice.

“You’re not counting on surviving it with us, are you?” Lexa’s inner thoughts didn’t escape Clarke.

“I thought you wanted to kill me and get revenge, Clarke,” Lexa avoided the blonde’s question. She could feel Clarke’s face inches from hers even in the dark. The blonde was no longer holding her.

“I did, and I don’t,” Lexa felt the blonde’s breadth brushing her nose and there was a pause only interrupted by the sound of their breathing. “You will not only kill for your people, but also die for them, won’t you?” Clarke pause again, Lexa didn’t reply, and she didn’t have to, so the blonde spoke again. “I see through you, Lexa. You are the commander for your people, and only sometimes you’re Lexa until the commander pushes her away. It’s not the commander who is making this choice. Lexa’s the one who is in this hole with me. I don’t like her choice, but she and I know it is the right one. But then I know, at any time you’re gonna let the commander take over again…Why don’t you let people see the good in you, Lexa?” 

Clarke didn’t get an answer for some very long seconds and she thought that maybe there wasn’t to come one. She had decided not to push it and lied back down on Lexa’s chest when the brunette spoke.

“When people see good, they expect good. I can’t live up to those expectations,” Clarke felt crushed. What kind of living is that in which you cannot be yourself? Lexa had had to be the commander nearly her whole life, probably making decisions that killed her soul little by little just because that is the way it had to be. Clarke’s time on the ground had been dreadful, but it also had been little. This is all Lexa has known, but Clarke couldn’t question her on it. She didn’t reply, all she did was hold Lexa tighter. Whatever happened tomorrow, whatever happened to any of their people, today they weren’t alone. Today Lexa wasn’t alone, today Lexa didn’t have choices to make. 

The blonde was about to fall asleep when she heard Lexa’s voice, “Clarke?”

“Hmmm?” She acknowledged almost dozing off.

“Leaving you was my choice, but it wasn’t my wish,” Lexa spoke slowly but clearly.

“I know that now. Rest, Lexa,” Clarke whispered finally falling asleep.

 

________________________________________

 

When Temis was thrown in the pit with them, the warrior was shirtless, bruised and dripping blood from a cut on her head. Her head was held up high, she locked her eyes with her commander as soon as she had hit the ground. Lexa scanned her warrior’s body. It was covered in dry blood and had scratches all over. Where her ribs should be, there were only purple and green bruised skin. Her pants had been cut in different spots where now blood had dried too. The commander’s eyes stop on the bite marks scattered all over Temis’ torso. She saw Clarke running to her and offering her own jacket to cover the warrior. 

“What did they do to you?” Clarke asked obviously concerned, Temis wasn’t her people nor she knew much about her, but no one deserved to be tortured and abused that way, not even at war. 

Temis didn’t answer and Clarke just carefully tended her wounds. Temis never lowered her head, but she didn’t look at Clarke once. She didn’t look at the commander again either. It was only long after Clarke had left Temis alone that she moved closer to the commander, but even then, none of them said a word and if they did, Clarke never knew because tiresome finally beat her.

“MOVE!!!” one of the soldiers shouted and pushed Clarke making her stumble. They hadn’t been walking for long, but the soldiers seemed to be in a hurry. Lexa knew that if they got wherever they wanted to take them, the three of them wouldn’t make it out alive. The morning breeze gave her chills. 

When they suddenly stopped, Lexa realized that Temis had fallen onto her knees. Exhausted, she refused to get up. The soldiers pulled her up, but on the second step she dropped to the floor. The soldiers didn’t bother a second time, one of them held a gun to her head and spoke, “you’re not worth it, so either you get up NOW… or you die earlier that these two”. He swung the gun at Clarke and Lexa.

“Gyon op!” Lexa ordered, but Temis didn’t move. 

The tied commander faced exhausted woman on the ground. “Gona, gyon op nau!” She raised her voice.

Temis looked up and shook her head. “Ai gonplei ste odon, heda. Wigod ai op”.

“Gyon op, nau!! Gona nou set daun, osir throu daun!” Lexa shouted this time. 

“Speak English!” The soldier with the gun threatened waving at both grounders, the he spoke to Temis, “what’s it gonna be, savage?”  
Silence. 

“As you wish” He aimed his sword, but before he could pull the trigger, the commander had kicked Temis hard on her chest. The warrior fell on her back letting out sounds of pain. With a swift movement, Lexa got rid of her ties with incredible force and was beating Temis. The commander shouted, “yu na gon ai op!!!” and kept beating Temis.   
Clarke couldn’t stand to see that and she didn’t understand why Lexa was acting that way towards he own people. She jumped in to help Temis, but was rejected by an angry Lexa. 

“Stay away, Clarke of the sky people. You are destruction and weakness. You are a dangerous combination that needs to be wiped out like your people; and it is because of you that my warrior refuses to die like one.”

“You say I’m weak, but ñook at what you’re doing now. You fight that who can’t defend herself in the same way your fought my people,” Clarke was raging with fury, Lexa didn’t get to call her weak or destructive, not after the commander she had to be.

“I am protecting my people. She’s weak. She can’t be weak. You’re just looking for a way out. You’re not willing to fight your way out of this,” Lexa was now pushing towards Clarke. 

The soldier with the gun attempted to stop her, but another one who probably had a higher rank stopped him. 

“She’s supposed to be the leader of the savages. Plus, she’s the only one we really need alive. We might as well watch her kill these two,” Lexa heard the high ranked soldier whisper. She turned around and kicked the gun out of the warrior’s hand, with a swift movement she took the sword from the soldier’s belt and dug it in the high rank soldier. 

“I thought you should experience death instead of watch it,” Lexa dug her sword deeper in his chest and pulled it out. 

“Lexa, no!” Clarke shouted in fear that they might all die because of Lexa losing control. The other soldier had recovered his gun and with trembling hand aimed at Temis who had just been kneeling on the ground, he ordered Lexa to stop or he would kill Temis. 

“Allow me,” Lexa shouted. “She’s weak. She’s a shame and she disobeyed me. She knows he punishment is death”. Lexa raised he sword ready to dig it in Temis’ chest, but Clarke intervened. “You’re right, Wanheda. The only one who’s going to die is you, well, probably,” Temis’ grabbed Clarke’s hands and twisted them behind the blonde’s back. 

“They know exactly who you are, Wanheda. They are exactly like you. You’re bargain power,” Temis despised her. “They lied, they won’t kill you, but we will. If you die now, we all know sky people will never put down their weapons against them,” she tilted her head to the soldier who given the situation was aiming at Clarke now. “I dare you to kill her… You’re weak,” Temis yelled at the soldier. He stepped back as Temis pushed Clarke forward. They were getting closer to cliff’s edge. 

“Temis, my people will fight them. They are everything that was wrong with the old world. You don’t have to do this,” Clarke explained logically, surprisingly, fearless. Nevertheless, her anger was showing. 

“You’re wrong. If you’re alive, they’d do anything to keep you safe. Same as you have, remember. Your people do not understand sacrifices”.

Lexa’s anger level had lowered down, and more than surprised, she seemed to be evaluating the situation. “Stop,” she ordered.

“No,” Temis was firm. “Shoot,” she ordered while making the soldier stepped back closer to the edge.

“He will not,” Lexa took advantage of the nervous soldier and distracted him with a swift movement of her sword. When his gun aimed at nothing, she kicked his chest sending him down the cliff. 

“Let her go, Temis. Now!” Lexa raised her voice and Temis let go. “Well done,” the commander nodded.

“Do not play with my life, Lexa.” Clarke yelled and Lexa revealing their location to the rest of the soldiers.

The soldiers surrounded them.

Lexa shook he head side to side. “This is not a game, Clarke of the sky people”. Lexa raised her sword, guns aiming at her, she swung it at Clarke and kicked her pushing her off the cliff. Clarke’s blood bubbled out and flooded her neck while was free falling. Her eyes connected to Lexa’s for an instant and Lexa knew that she might have just broken the last of Clarke. “May we meet again, Clarke of the sky people,” she murmured her good-bye to herself.


	13. Not one of you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dear readers,
> 
> I apologize for my absence. I've got some things to worry about in life right now, creativity doesn't come easy. Plus, my laptop was not suitable for writing the past two months and I lost habit. It's difficult to come back to it, but I think I'm getting closer to the dark side of Clarke that I wanted to explore since the beginning. It took longer than I thought to get there. I hope it gets more insteresting in the next chapter. We'll see. Thanks for reading, people. Let me know whatever your appreciations are.

Clarke gasped for air and coughed out water when she reached the river shore. The fall hadn’t been too high so all she got was a few scratches and a sore back. Clarke checked her neck and there was no blade wound, she felt up her face and there was a long but thin cut just below the left side of her jaw. She could’ve bled to death, but Lexa’s sword missed the critical spot. She tightened her jaw and it hurt, but didn’t let go. She washed away her watery eyes when she cleaned her wounds by the river.

Later, Clarke found the soldier’s body, he seemed to have crawled along the shore, but bled out really fast. The only useful thing he found on him was his gun which had already dried. She hid the body to avoid giving away her position and continued down the river. 

The thought of thrusting Lexa now seemed so sterile. The commander would always be just that. They’d never hope for the same future, they’d probably never be in the same future. Clarke blamed herself for wanting to appeal to the good in her. There was some, but not enough for her, not what Clarke needed. How could you do this to me again, Lexa? Not again. “Never again”, she swore.

Lexa had been right. The last of Clarke’s soul had broken.

Clarke’s inner thoughts were interrupted by painful puffing and panting sounds. She stopped to listen carefully while she raised her gun, she walked further down the river and there she was. Temis was choking in her own blood by the shore. Clarke walked slowly to her and kneeled by her side, “did your commander betray you too?” Clarke didn’t care that Temis was dying, she couldn’t do anything about it anyway.

Temis showed her a half-smile, “you don’t understand yet, Wanheda. I’m just one life”.

“Not one that deserves to be saved?” Clarke’s anger didn’t let her feel sympathy for her.

“One that deserves to save others,” Temis reached to her pocket and pulled out something firmly wrapped in her fist.

“My quest is not complete, our lives belong to you now,” said Temis. Clarke opened her mouth to reject what the warrior was giving her. She knew now that alliances with Lexa would never be possible, but before Clarke could say it out loud, Temis put a small fabric pack on her hand, “jus en zodon wich em hedplei in chon en’s kom yu”. Clarke opened the fabric package to find Lexa’s forehead piece.

“She’s ready to die, isn’t she?” Clarke couldn’t hold the question.

Temis closed her eyes, “Take it to Indra and repeat the commander’s message, only Indra will keep you safe”. She coughed blood.

She wanted to say no. Full of hate and despite for grounders, she wanted to delight in their deaths, in Lexa’s death. It should just be one less to kill, but it wasn’t and she didn’t say no. Instead, Clarke nodded wary of what she might have been getting into again.

“The commander should’ve trusted you more, Clarke kom skaikru,” Temis spoke, “It’s late now”.

“It’s not,” Clarke would make sure of it.

“Ai gonplei ste odon, Wanheda”.

 

________________________________________

 

It was dark when Clarke was finally getting closer to the mountain. She stayed on the river’s path where she knew she’d be safe or captured by Lexa’s warriors. In any case, she should be safe enough until she met Indra. So it happened, she was still about an hour away from the mountain when the woods clan warriors grabbed her.

She was getting tired of always being captured, she thought of aiming her gun at them, but that wouldn’t be helpful. Clarke composed herself and it was nothing like being captured by the ARES’s soldiers. Here, with them, grounders, there was a sense of familiarity, and sense of usual, perhaps. It was more than that. She knew how dangerous, reckless and vicious they could be, but she also knew what and why they were fighting for, who they were fighting for.

Clarke slowly dropped her gun and spoke, “Ai laik Wanheda kom skaikru en ai gada infou gon Indra in”.

It was little what Clarke knew of the grounder’s language, but they seemed to have listened. She was being pushed around, but hopefully Indra would let her go in exchange of her message. It wasn’t long until they arrived to the grounder’s camp. It was close to the mountain, too close. Clarke couldn’t take her eyes off the field that separated the grounders and her people. There had been a fight, at least 50 lifeless bodies laid on the ground. Clarke felt powerless and broken. This was all Lexa, they must have been her orders. Clarke’s hate kept feeding up on what she saw.

They arrived to the side of camp where Indra was, walking through it was like being in Polis again, but the all the looks were full of hate this time, especially Indra’s. 

“Wanheda! I see it’s time you pay for what your people have done. My commander has made the right choice,” Indra defied Clarke standing bigger in front of her.

“Your commander has been captured. Her warriors were killed or ran away. All you have left if a message trusted to only me,” Clarke took the little fabric package and handed it to the grounder. 

Indra opened it for just a second before covering it and hiding it from everyone’s eyes. “Follow me, Wanheda”. 

She took her to an empty tent and Clarke spoke first, “How many of my people have you killed? You have to stop this, we are not who you need to fight”.

Indra ignored her, “there’s a message, Wanheda. I need to hear the message”.

“Will this stop?”

“It is her order, only the commander can stop it”. Indra dismissed Clarke’s question, and made a pause. “Who took her?”

Clarke caught a glance of worry in Indra’s eyes, but that wasn’t how a warrior looked worried about her leader. There was more beyond that. Clarke shook her head.

“Where’s the blood?” Indra asked.

Clarke was confused. “You must have the commander’s blood”.

“What about my people?”

“I must follow the commander’s orders, Wanheda. So will her second, if I must be,” Indra said and Clarke squinted.

“You asked for her blood?” Clarke reached to her pants pocket and pulled out the blackened piece of shirt she used to clean Lexa’s wound. 

“Jus en zodon wich em hedplei in chon en’s kom yu,” Clarke remembered.

Indra’s face fell and Clarke inquired, “what is it?” Clarke feared it meant something terrible.

“The commander couldn’t have given this to you,” Indra whispered. “Speak the truth, Clarke kom skaikru,” worry was gone and Indra’s eyes hardened. “Were you ordered to deliver the message or deliver this?” Indra raised the cloth covered in blood and the headpiece. 

Clarke knew that saying the right thing was the only hope she had of keeping her people safe. “I was asked to deliver the message,” Clarke said and held her head high. Indra tightened the grip on her sword and Clarke thought she was about to attack her. 

She thought Indra didn’t believe her and was going to kill her, but instead Indra spoke, “when the commander’s in danger, she passes along her will until death or safety comes. She chooses a messenger to pass along her will with a sacred message, if the messenger dies, the ambassadors may rule until the commander’s back or,” Indra paused and exhaled, “the messenger may choose who to deliver the comander’s will before dying”.

“Why is this so important?” Clarke inquired impatiently.

“Because that who’s trusted with her will becomes the commander’s second,” Indra dragged the words out.

 

________________________________________

 

Clarke was standing in front of an army of grounders. Everyone was shooting hatred looks at her. She was wearing Lexa’s armor and she felt out of place, but concealed.   
Indra was in front of her and pulled out the head piece and bloody bandage, “the commander has chosen that who would lead us to her. Clarke kom skaikru is her second”.   
Noise, disagreement and rage filled the camp. Most of the warriors showed their anger, they would not accept this, Clarke realized it right away. Then it happened, “I challenge you, Wanheda”. 

The warrior jumped towards Clarke who wasn’t sure what to do against such big grounder. Indra stepped in front of her and easily fought the warrior, “If you disrespect Wanheda,” Indra had him on his knees spitting blood, “you disrespect our Heda”. Indra dug her sword in the warrior’s chest and seconds later, he fell flat on the ground.

“You didn’t have to kill him,” Clarke stated. It wasn’t that she cared that much about grounders, not after all that had happened. But she knew they were key to win this war. She was on a very good position and she needed to take care of it.

“Yes, I did.” Indra defied Clarke using respectful manners that she had never used towards her before. “She is our leader… for now,” Indra spoke to the warriors. “You will honor that, is that clear?”

Clarke noticed some highly armored warriors approached Indra and her walking through the crowd. “Ambassadors,” Indra nodded.

“The coalition won’t stand for this,” a mature woman ambassador affirmed. “My people are leaving this camp”.

“Are you a traitor, ambassador?” Indra challenged her. “Leave and we go to war”.

“Then we go to war,” the ambassador nodded.

“Kom wor,” other ambassadors repeated.

“Stop!, Clarke ordered harshly. “I am not your enemy. Today,” she admitted. “But If you break the coalition, tomorrow we will all die, not just me or my people”.

“Sky crew has brought death to us already and the commander put death to lead us now,” the youngest ambassador spoke with despise. “We will not allow this, we will not pardon your people for what you’ve done and be led by you”.

“You don’t have to,” Clarke offered knowing that she might regret what she was about to say if things didn’t go right.

“I offer you no truce. No pardon in exchange of beating those who have captured Lexa, together,” Clarke knew she had gained their interest. “After Lexa’s back and we have won, my people will owe nothing to yours and you will owe nothing to my people”.

 

________________________________________

 

Clarke was marching towards the mountain with a small army of grounder behind her. It was the first time she would have to talk for others who were not her people, that couldn’t go well, not when grounders could be so vicious. 

Indra reminded her, “what you have promised will not be accepted without shedding blood. The sooner you understand that, it will be easier for your people”. Indra spoke clamly, it was not an order or a claim, it was just an affirmation. Clarke feared that she was right. 

When they reached the gates, Clarke spoke to the surveillance cameras, “open the gates, mother. We are here to negotiate”.

The gates opened slowly after some seconds. “Why do grounders dare to negotiate after two days of killing us?” Two guards were at the entrance aiming their guns at Clarke and the grounder army. Clarke didn’t recognize them; they weren’t there before she left. 

“You are outnumbered and they will put an arrow to your chest,” Clarke threatened them pointing at their guns and then looked back at the grounders behind her with their bows up. 

“How did you open the gates?” They demanded

“The gates opened because I am here to negotiate with my mother,” Clarke spat tired of losing time. “Get out of my way”. 

“Your mother?” They inquired as Abby ran down the gate tunnel to embrace her daughter. 

“Mother,” Clarke didn’t move or embrace her back.

“Clarke, sweetie, I thought you wouldn’t be back. I thought they had…” Abby laid her eyes on the grounders that were backing Clarke up.

“Mother,” Clarke repeated louder. Abby let go, “I’m here in behalf of the clans to negotiate the mountain’s surrender and work together”.

“What are you saying, Clarke? You can’t be on their side!” Abby searched her daughter’s eyes.

Clarke held her mother’s gaze and replied, “I’m not on their side, I am in charge”. She knew that if she looked weak or if she doubted just for a second, the deal she had made with the clans would be off. “Let’s talk”.

“They won’t come inside,” the gate guards spoke still with their guns up. 

Clarke looked at her mother. “Two warriors, no weapons. That’s my offer”. 

“Lower your guns. We can handle them,” Abby agreed.

But Indra stopped Clarke before she started walking in, Indra grabbed the blonde’s arm. Clarke stopped and looked down before nodding and Indra ordered, “if we don’t come out in three hours, kill them all”. 

 

________________________________________

 

“It’s ARES, mother,” Clarke affirmed. 

“Are you sure?” Her mother asked.

“They could destroy everything, again. We need to destroy them first,” Clarke stated.

“They could end us, Clarke. They had the power to do it once,” her mother lowered her voice looking warily at the guards behind her.

“Not this time,” Clarke affirmed. “You have a prisoner, is that true?”

“We did,” her mother lowered her head in shame. “She died”.

Clarke nodded. She was sure they had done what was necessary. After all Ares deserved no mercy. “and Raven?” 

“Reyes is a traitor and we won’t make alliances with savages. You’ve taken too many of us,” one of the guards suddenly spoke.

Clarke clenched her teeth. If they had done anything to Raven, she wouldn’t forgive herself for leaving her behind. “Where is Raven!!?” Clarke demanded. “Now, mother!”.

Abby lowered her eyes in shame again, and Clarke caught a smirk in the guards face. She walked defiantly towards him and he raised his gun, but Indra and Maki were faster, disarming both guards easily. Clarke punched him on the mouth knocking him down. Clarke crouched down next to the bleeding guard, “for your own good, she better be alive. I’ve killed for my friends and it’s become quite a habit”.

“I see you’re not who I expected you to be,” Clarke told her mother. “Bring Raven to me now and I’ll leave,” she demanded.

“Clarke, I can’t”.

Clarke defied her mother with her eyes and Abby knew that Clarke would not ask permission to do what she had to do to keep them all safe. She never had. 

“I don’t know what’s your side, mother, but I do know that you’re not in charge,” Clarke looked down at her mother. “Sky crew should be ready to step outside. Our negotiation will start as soon as Pike gets back from Arkadia. It shouldn’t be long,” Clarke announced the information they had on them.

 

________________________________________

 

Raven barely came walking out the gates. Octavia was holding up most of her weight. The brunette’s clothes were covered in dried blood and her left eye was so swollen that she couldn’t open it, and her left arm was in a sling. How could her mother have allowed this to happen? Raven meant a lot to both of them. Why would she let this happen?

Clarke ran to them and held Rave’s face in her hands. She concealed the pain that caused seeing her like that. Grounders could not see she was weak, she had observed Lexa. She knew how it work. “I’m sorry,” she whispered just for her. The blonde helped Octavia get Raven to her own tent. 

“It’s just another scar,” the brunette tried to smile and Clarke noticed that her face hurt. That had been Raven managed to say before passing out. 

Clarke laid her on the bed and ordered healers to take care of her, and Indra to watch her. For now, she had to deal with someone else. Octavia.

“You chose to come. I’m glad,” Clarke approached her. 

“You know that they have never been my people. I stayed hidden hoping for Lincoln to come back,” Octavia spoke stoically then paused, “he never did,”

Clarke swallowed thick.

Octavia seemed smaller than Clarke had ever noticed, even scared of asking Clarke what had happened to him. “Did he even find you?”

The blonde nodded. “I took care of him. I tried to bring him back and save him,” Clarke made a pause. “He asked us to leave him behind. I had to,”

Octavia raised her head and looked at Clarke with eyes full of hate and pain. “He gave his life to help you, help us and you left him to die alone”. The brunette took out her sword and swung it at Clarke. Grounders around did the same, but aiming at Octavia instead. “Some second you are. You should just be commander, you deserve the title,” Octavia fell to her knees and cried out loud. 

 

________________________________________

 

Indra approached Clarke who was taking care of Raven inside the tent. “Sky crew guards from Arkadia are close”.

Clarke nodded, “Get the army ready. No one attacks to kill until I order it”.

“Yes, Wanheda,” Indra agreed. Clarke knew that she had come a long way to trust Indra, but the most honest she was to Indra, the more she realized that the warrior could be her most loyal ally, for now. But Clarke knew she couldn’t rely on that feeling. Indra was protecting her because she was devoted to Lexa, she could see that. 

“Indra?” Clarke called her before she left the tent. “Provide Octavia with whatever she needs. I need to make it right, but my duty is here now, to our people, to all of us”.

“I’ll make sure of it,” Indra responded. “She’ll make peace to mourn him after war, like the warrior she is”. That’s what Indra expected, and Clarke too. But they did not see death as grounders did, Clarke knew it firsthand. 

Clarke nodded in thanks and put another cold cloth on Raven’s forehead. She had been feverish for hours now and Clarke was worried for her recovery. 

“C’mon, Raven. You have to get better,” Clarke offered a disgusting tea to help her feel better.

Raven coughed most of it out.

“Raven drink,” Clarke demanded and paused. She ran her hand over Raven’s sweaty face. “I need you, Raven, please. I’m sorry that I left you alone”.

Clarke felt guilty for leaving Raven and Octavia, and the rest of her friends. Seeing Raven’s wounds and pain reminded her of the pain that they suffered because of Cage. She had been there when they needed her, she did what she had to do to save Raven, her mom, her friends. She wasn’t there for Raven this time. She should’ve been there. She would be there from now on even if her people didn’t agree with her choices or methods. Someone had to call the tough choices and she will do it to keep them from suffering, to keep them alive.

She managed to get Raven to drink a little bit, but soon after she passed out.

Clarke changed the cold cloth and whispered a promise to Raven, “I promise he will pay”. 

As Clarke walked out of the tent, she thought of Lexa and what drove her to do what she had to, to be the commander she had to, to make the choices she had to.

Clarke realized that Temis had been a choice too. 

 

________________________________________

 

Clarke took a good amount of the grounders’ army and ordered them to line up in front on the mountain. Indra, Soyer, who had joined them and been healed after wandering in the woods when he escaped, and Octavia marched with her. 

“He was not there,” Octavia spoke only for Clarke to hear. It was eating her up inside that she didn’t know if Lincoln had died and where he had died. He had been alone and Octavia carried the weight of knowing that it had been her who asked him to leave and find Clarke.

“O, I am…” Clarke started feeling perhaps something similar about both her friends, feeling guilty about everything else; knowing that if she couldn’t find Lexa, she would lead them all to death.

“Don’t,” Octavia cut her off. “Just do what you’re supposed to. Make sure you do it right at once this time”. She let Clarke take the full lead while walking behind her.

Clarke held her hand up and made the army stop when there was a good distance from them and the mountain. “Indra, do as we spoke. No blood,” Clarke paused, “if not necessary”. The blonde said to the warrior.

“My people will demand their deaths, Wanheda. Reconsider, you’re one of them and this will create distrust on your arrangement,” Indra argued back.

“I AM NOT one of them,” Clarke raised her voice in rage, but lowered it down quick. Indra was the only true ally she had and she should take care of that, the rest of them just had a war to win. “Do as I’ve said, they will die anyway, just not today,” Clarke admitted.

Indra nodded not convinced and left. 

The mountain looked peaceful and the woods were clear. The blonde heard the horn sound which meant her mother should come out soon and her people with her. She called Soyer as she changed her mind. “Pile them up in front of the gates. I want them to be the first thing they see so they know who they became,” Clarke ordered him and the warrior started to leave to pass along her order, but Clarke stopped him.

“And Soyer…” she paused, “I’m glad that you escaped,” Clarke told him.

“I shouldn’t have left my commander,” he punished himself. “My duty is to protect her and I failed. She should be here not me,” Soyer talked back and left before Clarke could answer. What should she answer anyway? Lexa should be there. That was true.

But it wasn’t Lexa who got to be there, it was Clarke’s choice now.

Her people were coming out of the mountain. 

Her mother came out first. A range of 50 guards backed her up following about a 100 people. Monty and Harper along them, Clarke locked eyes with both friends and she only wished they were on this side for now. 

“They’re here,” Indra interrupted her thoughts. 

“Losses?”

“None for now…” Clarke knew grounders would follow her command of not killing them, but they were probably badly wounded. Some might not make it if this took long.

“Bring Pike,” Clarke ordered wanting to end this. She walked towards the mountain with the intention of meeting her mother and showing Pike’s doing to her people.  
Indra walked behind her pulling the rope that dragged a gagged Pike on the ground. Clarke walked through the middle section of the pile of bodies she had asked to be set in front of the gates and acknowledged her mother with a nod.

“Uncover them,” Clarke ordered and the grounders behind her pulled the covers on the bodies revealing two piles. One made of only children to Clarke’s horror, her lips trembled but she hid it as raised her head high.

Clarke saw the pain in her people’s faces. She knew that pain very well. “Deal with what you’ve done. We all have to live with it,” she stated, “but he won’t”. Clarke signaled Indra to present Pike.

“You can’t seriously think of killing one of us,” her mother pledged. “This is not who we are,” she affirmed.

“Then who are we?” Clarke raised her voice addressing all the people there. “Look at them!” Clarke pointed at the dead. “If this is who we are, then I am not one of you”.  
Her mother lowered her face. She knew Clarke was right, but following grounders shouldn’t be their way out of this.

“Mphhmhm,” gagged Pike yelled not achieving a coherent sound to come out. 

“Let him speak,” Clarke heard someone yell from within her people. Other voices joined to the request.

Clarke looked at the bleeding man with scratches all over her face. His eyes wanted to pop out or so they seemed. She brought him to his knees and took the gag off.

“You can’t kill me. I’ve done what you all didn’t have the courage to do. This is why you’re alive,” Pike spat out.

Clarke kicked him on the face making him spit blood, “you’re alive because I killed those who wanted you death. I have to deal with that, don’t you forget it,” she threatened the crowd in front of her.

“So did I, grounders are our enemy. If you work with them, you’re one of them. Our enemy,” he answered back angrily.

Clarke felt the guns aiming at her, she glanced back and grounders had their own bow spears up. They were by far more than sky crew. From the pile of dead bodies, she held a child in her arms and lay it in between her mother and Pike. “Is this your enemy?”

“Their children are warriors. That kid would’ve killed too many of us, like the grounder you let in our walls. He was the enemy inside our house, I did what I had to do,” He claimed. 

Clarke couldn’t stop it when it happened, a knife had flown from Octavia’s hands and dug into Pike’s leg who screamed in pain. Clarke turned to the brunette and saw her fury building up and frowned, then turned to Indra and ordered, “set it up”. 

As grounders put up the wooden mast, Clarke raised her voice. “Blood must have blood. Pike will die today for what you all are responsible for”.

“You’re gonna kill him like you killed Finn, aren’t you?” Those words stung in Clarke’s chest. This man could never be compared to Finn. Her gun was raised aiming at the guy who had spoken faster that she realized.

“Finn died for us, he sacrificed for. This man is just a coward who killed for you,” Clarke yelled at him, she took one long breadth and ordered to her warriors, “pull him up”.  
Tied by his feet, Pike was pulled up until he was hanging head down at Clarke’s shoulder height. He tried to speak again, but Clarke put the cloth over his mouth again. 

“His death is not negotiable, but yours is,” Clarke offered. “This is MY mountain… fight and live with me or leave and survive without it”. Clarke used her small knife and made a small cut on Pike’s neck knowing it wouldn’t take long for him to bleed out. Blood started running down his face and dripping onto the ground.

“Clarke don’t do this. This can’t define you,” her mom begged. “He doesn’t have to die”.

“You’re wrong, mother. Someone always has to die,” Clarke replied stoically. “Choose wisely. You don’t have much time,” she said before walking away.

When passing by Octavia’s side, she stopped. “Watch him,” she ordered her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Jus en zodon wich em hedplei in chon en’s kom yu" - Blood and fate trust her will which belongs to you.
> 
> “Ai laik Wanheda kom skaikru en ai gada infou gon Indra in” - I am the Commander of death of the sky crew and I have a message for Indra.


End file.
